I've spent most of my life thinking of myself as a difficult person and trying not to be too much trouble for the people around me. It's a way of living that has involved a lot of masking, and muting, ignoring my own feelings and generally being uncomfortable. In recent weeks I've done a lot of deliberate re-thinking around all of this.
One of the things that led me to the rethink was recognising how I feel about the high maintenance people in my life. There have been people I've stepped away from because I found them exhausting - people who seemed invested in drama for the sake of it, and/or who were relentlessly wallowing in misery over relatively small problems. That may be judgemental on my part, but I took my time coming to those conclusions.
I have high maintenance people who need a lot of input - usually emotional and intellectual input. I'm not so good at the tactile stuff so the people in my life with significant tactile needs tend not to bring that to me. I've spent years figuring out the warning signs for people I care about needing more than they are getting emotionally and mentally. I've developed strategies for helping people be a bit more comfortable around this. I enjoy doing it. I enjoy the challenge, the figuring out and the getting things right. The people in my life who need a lot from me are not a problem to me.
This got me thinking that perhaps it is ok to be high maintenance. If I don't find it an issue in others, why should I consider it a problem in myself? It is definitely true that I will be an issue for some people. I get bored with trivial, superficial things. I need a steady supply of ideas and creativity to engage with. I crave intensity. There have been people for whom all of that was a problem, but that simply means we were not well suited to each other - there should be no value judgement involved. That I was judged over it and found problematic is not a measure of me.
There's a relief in saying yes, I am high maintenance in some ways. Yes, that's fine, that's part of who I am. I am not going to be ideal for everyone. Some people are going to find me far too much trouble and that's also fine, they are allowed. I do not have to be smaller and tidier to make them comfortable. I don't have to stay around placating people who do not meet my needs and who do not like how I actually am. It's turning out to be a liberating, affirming sort of process.
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