I have been dealing with strange health issues the past couple of days. At 36 years old my health is as bad as it’s ever been really. I read sometimes about historical figures like Queen Anne of England, who may have herself had PID and other inflammatory or immune disorders. Headaches keep cropping up, this has been going on all yesterday and last night I had to take headache medicine twice. Nausea hit me at one point and just out of it, like my brain could not function properly. I have also felt horribly exhausted, all weekend. Both Saturday and Sunday I had to lie down and nap in the middle of the day I was so exhausted, I literally could not do anything but lay down. When I would try to read I would read about a page and then fall asleep. I think I’ve been under a vast amount of stress. Waiting for Portland to get back to me and just give me a yes or no has been so painful. To not even know if the higher ups and powers that be are going to even say yes or not to bringing me on and letting me transfer offices. Let alone getting the move going, ordering the pod, seeing how much of our stuff is going to fit and be able to be shipped, figuring out if we want to ship the car and go on two planes with our cats or drive, figure out what hotel or Airbnb to end up in, then I will have to live out of a hotel with my cats and go to the new office disheveled and in person which will be stressful for me, then look at apartments after work until we find a place. Blah blah blah. None of this stressful planning can even occur or happen until they give me an answer and the offer and start date and tell me how much moving costs they will be able to help with. Even just the tentative offer would be great. To at least know it’s happening for sure. The waiting is just so painful and difficult. I want to start planning so we can get the painful part over with and just be in Portland again and figuring out where we want to live and get some semblance of routine back, or at least get into our new routine. Maybe my new routine will be going to work every day, and then going to the gym after work, or walking around downtown, or going to the PSU library like I used to. I really like that idea. Right now my life feels so painfully boring. Stuck at home. Car is in the shop so I am LITERALLY stuck at my house in the suburbs. Can’t even walk anywhere either or take public transit. Need a car, and said car is in the shop yet again because, yet again, some shit out of my control hit the car. I really want to never drive again I am so sick of driving. I am looking forward to having some more space honestly - I mean - yeah it would be nice to have more relaxing alone time, I never get to have that it feels like with Seth working from home and never leaving the house to go do anything. I basically have to be around other people unless I get a hotel room I guess. But still, I am still excited to have more of my own life, go to an office where I am around other people, get to be downtown after work and go do fun things on my own if I want to. I feel so reliant on him here and I hate that. I’m sick of us both working from home and having to be around him constantly - for 6 years it’s been like that. That’s a long time honestly. To be stuck in a house with your partner pretty much nonstop. I’m ready to be around other people sometimes and have more independence. I always felt so independent in Portland. Able to get around so easily, going on my own adventures, finding all sorts of things to do and taking myself to get food, go see a show, etc. I was definitely healthier there. Being back in upstate NY has made me depressed for sure, it has brought back feelings of being stuck and bored, all the things I hated about living here before and why I left and moved to Portland in the first place. Wanting a place that is warmer year round and has more to do outside for most of the year. I cannot wait for better weather, more mild weather, even the heat because it’s a DRY HEAT thank goodness. No more humid sticky swampy air making it unbearable and wet in the summer and dry spicy painfully cold air in the winter. No more frigid Spring going on and on until it suddenly cranks up to too hot out of nowhere. It truly feels like the days that feel nice to be outside in NY are very few and far between, a tiny window where you have to jam as much in as possible. I just need Portland to say yes so I can know that I am getting the fuck out of here again. I don’t want to be here next winter or the winters to come. The food here in upstate NY is also terribly depressing. No passion for food here just like no passion for the outdoors, two things me and Seth both love. The food is so lackluster, it’s not even worth going out just to be literally robbed. We have tried so many small businesses here too, it’s not just the corpo chains, it’s the small businesses here too that suck and just aren’t doing it right. It’s sad. It’s like they want to be Portland and are trying to be (they have indie movie theatres and indie bookshops and coffeeshop/bookshop hangout spots) but then the food and coffee is poorly done or bad? The events are kind of lackluster. I mean at least they are trying! I will give them that, they have a lot more going on than Syracuse where I grew up and yeah that’s impressive. But it’s not Portland. For sure it’s not. You're currently a free subscriber to Letters from the Mire. For the full experience, upgrade your subscription.
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