The outdoor room is massively cozy. But you know what is rather sad? This is legitimately one of only a handful of times I've actually been out here relaxing and taking advantage of even having an “outdoor room” which is most of why we chose this house. This nature room and the kitchen was really what sold me on it. But due to the weather here in NY often being too cold (from November until nearly end of April, so that's…6 months) or too hot and muggy (June-September, 4 months) to really be out in it enjoying it without the heating or A/C being on (this room has neither). In theory having a house with a yard and room like this was a fantastic idea. But the reality is that this “3-season” room as it's called is in actuality useless for most of the year. It becomes a fridge half the year and then a wet sauna the other half. With just a short amount of days in between where it's comfortable to spend time in. Today it's a brisk 51 degrees in here, so just on the cusp of being too chilly but I have warm socks on, flannel, electric blanket, space heater. It's comfortable with such additions. Dropping back into the 40’s next week with one day in the 30’s even. Tomorrow going to 70 something but with the humidity it's going to get jacked up to nearly 80 I bet. Then turn into a rainforest type Florida type rain like we had yesterday. The humidity ends up getting so high with the heat that it just pours rain out of nowhere. I do sincerely believe that the PNW weather and climate is more my style. I prefer the rain to be in the winter when it's cold and dark anyway, and I prefer rain in winter instead of snow. Winter in PNW is like our Springtime weather here, although even our Springtime gets colder here than the winter there. I like the whole winter never getting below freezing. It's easier to get through it when you can still go outside comfortably most of the year. I also prefer their summer, sunny every single day, blue skies, dry heat instead of moist. The temperature stays reasonable and doesn't get racheted up by humidity. Yeah the grass goes dormant and yellow, it's not as lush as here in the summer but here is just so drastic. It goes from being literally Antarctica, frigid dry tundra of dead white nothingness, to OMG EVERYTHING IS LUSH GREEN AND pouring rain like the jungle rainforest and moist AF air. It's jarring in a way. I'm very sensitive too, so it impacts me quite a bit to have this whiplash every single year, more as I get older too. The wet being in the winter and dry being in the summer just makes more sense to me and is my preference for sure. Okay well just as I was feeling mildly sad about leaving this yard an okay well just as I was feeling mildly sad about leaving this yard and outdoor room and feeling like wow I wish that I was able to do some fun yard stuff with my husband this summer when it felt like we didn't really have the time or the energy last summer. Just as I was starting to feel that way of course two different neighbors come out in the backyard and look into my sunroom outdoor room whatever you want to call it and I am reminded of the fact that there is no privacy when you own a home in the suburbs and you have neighbors that are literally 5 ft maybe less I don't know near feet away from your house you in a way have less privacy than you would even in an apartment I feel like we have way less privacy now because we have shared outdoor space it almost felt like when we were in an apartment and we had like a patio it was almost somehow more private. I mean I get it like we're lucky to have nice neighbors and they are very nice and there's nothing wrong with them and it could be a lot worse and I get that but you know it is true that they are like both of our neighbors on either side or retired and they are feet away from our house and they're retired so they're always home and they're always kind of I want to say in our business but it's like I always want to talk if we're outside they're always like looking into our house and just I don't know I can lead to kind of a claustrophobic uncomfortable feeling like you're always being watched in a way that it definitely doesn't feel when you're in an apartment and you know the people who live in the building are usually younger they have their own lives going on they don't care about you like they're not focused on what you're doing you don't feel obligated to talk to anyone in an apartment You're all just I don't know it's much different feeling and I don't think that's talked about enough with homeownership especially when you're a young person you know and I think it's one thing if you have kids and you kind of want that level of community but it's also like well now that I know this if we ever were to buy again privacy would be privacy and location would be the number one things on my list pretty much like I now realize even if the home were like not that great it actually doesn't matter if I could at least have a private yard and the location was good like walkable not trapped in a weird suburb like with neighbors so close. I managed to vacuum the whole house and do some laundry and make some meal prep so that's nice got some chores done I do want to do some crochet and some reading and the blue sky and sun is actually finally out at like almost 3:00 p.m. so I might take the cats out and just actually take advantage of the sun and blue sky being out for a brief. I assume I will probably have to deal with neighbors while we were outside but oh well I can't be too pissed about that guess but at least I'm getting some chores done and feel useful kind of starting to get used to being here on my own without Seth and I do really miss him actually but it is also kind of nice to have the house to myself for once I will actually have the house to myself all of tomorrow and all of Sunday so that's pretty nice. Really trying not to spiral or crash out or any of that about waiting to hear from Portland it's just gotten really stressful it has gotten to the point where I'm really struggling mentally like this is such a stressful thing to be dealing with because we have sold our house and if that's a big deal like our house is sold We are going to have to move out of this house and figure out a new home and place to live which is not insignificant that's stressful in itself and then we don't even know if my job transfer to the Portland office has even been approved yet like and that's pretty huge like if there is a chance that it does not get approved I mean we just need to know either way like we are going to be out of a home in one month they need to tell me like either way if it's going to happen I don't know at a certain point I'm going to just have to tell the hiring manager like you have to give me a yes or no because like I'm about to be homeless and I need to know if I am moving to Portland or not like at this point I don't even care if it's a yes or no I just need to know which it is so that we know if we're getting an apartment here or we are getting an apartment in Portland but we need to know because we obviously don't want to go and sign a lease and get an apartment here if Portland is going to tell us that we can move there like that's what we're planning on it's just so infuriating and like and I feel bad like you know Seth is asking me everyday like is there news is there an update everyone is asking me if there's an update and there's not it's just so infuriating I'm half expecting but they're going to freaking tell me today that there's still not enough tape and I don't know like I guess at that point I'm going to have to tell her like we're going to have to be out of our house in one month like I'm going to be in a really crappy position if I cannot get a yes or no answer in a month. I keep checking my work email even though I took today off and I'm really glad I took the day off but I keep checking my email basically every 2 hours to see if I have received anything I have expect I probably won't receive anything until 7:00 p.m. my time which is usually when I seem to get correspondence from the Portland hiring manager. I don't really know what else to do other than wait try to distract myself try to try to do other things but it is really difficult it is really hard and it just feels demoralizing and it feels stressful like I feel like I'm having a mental breakdown because of the stress and I mean I think it wouldn't be so bad I mean I know it wouldn't be so bad if we hadn't sold the house right now when we did before me getting the actual offer which you know I guess a lot of people probably would think is pretty stupid of us to do Seth doesn't think it was stupid because you know because of the timing of when we sold the house we ended up getting making $60,000 of profit essentially which is great and I mean I'm going to use that to literally pay off all my student loans which is huge and I don't want to discount that and so obviously if that's the case I mean if you know waiting to sell until later would have meant we didn't get as much for the house well then yeah fine We made a good choice financially and we made a lot of money and that's great I'm glad I can pay off my student loans and stuff but it also means we are in kind of a stressful weird position where we're just about to be homeless and not know where we are moving and so that's just the stressful part of it but I know that it had to be done and we will probably get an answer within the next month you know within 30 days with we have a whole other month that we can live here and even past that you know even if it does get to where we literally have to move out of this house now and we don't know where we're going We can just rent you know a long-term Airbnb I would at that point just put Cedric in like a cat hotel or something because he got really stressed out last time when we were homeless when we moved here and so I would just put him somewhere and then we would just have nacho with us but anyway it's just a really screwed up time at the moment it's almost driving me to drink honestly because I am so stressed out but I don't know I know I could go to the YMCA I could go exercise like I'm going to go outside and get some sun and maybe that'll help. Seth is at a family reunion at the moment in Texas and I couldn't go because well I didn't want to go first of all but then I also had an excuse because I have a pretty important work training that I have to do and I have to leave for it on Sunday and he's not getting back until Monday and I'm feeling pretty anxious about the work training as well because for a person with social anxiety going on any kind of work trip like where there's going to be a bunch of people who I don't know and I mean even people I do know when you have social anxiety you just don't want to be like at an event with lots of people that you have to kind of basically do small talk with for hours on end all day and then even in the evening when like you would usually be going home from work and get to rest and relax it's like they want to do more socializing after I've just socialized all day it's like really really hard for a person like me so anyway I I do plan on just I guess you know trying not to talk too much and I mean not that I need to try not to talk too much I just mean I've blocked out times like we get an entire hour for lunch and I'm sure people will be socializing the entire hour during lunch I will not be I will be probably walking back to my hotel room to like lay in my bed for 30 minutes so that I can just get a break so I'm going to try to just like basically do an Irish goodbye try to escape essentially as much as I can just like slip away so that I can go have a alone time and recharge as much as possible and then maybe have like a couple of dinners with everybody but maybe skip one of the dinners or you know it sounds like they're going to do a sports thing I'm definitely going to skip that and like try to skip you know I don't want to have breakfast with everyone I don't really want to have lunch with everyone like I don't know I'm going to figure it out I'm hoping that I can schedule enough alone time to not make it like super exhausting and horrible. I mean I did do a work training last year that it did end up feeling really difficult to certain extent but at the same time I got through it and you know it turned out fine and ultimately it was a fun time even though there were moments that felt really hard and really exhausting and stuff but I was able to do it and I'm going to get through this one too and I'll have Xanax and whatever I'll be fine. I've been using voice to text to write this blog and although it probably sounds like rambling nonsense to a certain extent and stream of consciousness I do actually think that this has been nice because sometimes talking instead of writing it almost feels like a therapy session so thank you all for being my invisible therapists who don't even know me and if you have read this far wow congrats my only consolation is that I'm completely anonymous and practically no one reads my blog so yeah there's no risk of I don't know people thinking I'm weirdo or whatever you don't know who I am no one even reads this anyway if you are reading thanks. You're currently a free subscriber to Letters from the Mire. For the full experience, upgrade your subscription.
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