by Lexy, 6 Sept 2023
"When you want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it."
The former quote from Paulo Coelho's award-winning work, The Alchemist, has stuck with me since I read the novel. I was pointed to it in a time in my life when everything was in flux. At the time, I was still working on my Dissertation Proposal and I was especially uninspired. When I read this story about a man who realizes their purpose on a life journey, I was feeling especially down trodden. I was not feeling my home situation at the time and I felt so uncomfortable doing it. So much so that I moved in January in the midst of beginning my spring semester.
Not to rehash a previous post completely, y'all know how defending my dissertation proposal / my candidacy exam went. Yet another setback. However in spite of my setbacks from my not passing, I made a lot of memories while grieving my perceived shortcomings. I had to repeatedly tell myself that it was okay that I didn't feel good about what happened with the candidacy exam and truly feel those feelings.
Moving out was my most impulsive move to date, but was so necessary.
Moving out was the best decision that I have made for myself and my mental health. I know that I needed my own space to just be without the guise of my parents or friends. A space where I could be alone, truly alone. A place where I can spread out and be myself. A place where I can host people. A place where I can be happy, grieve, learn, meditate, an everything in between.
In all of this self-determination, I was still feeling down on myself and have been working that out in therapy.
I told myself I needed to rest and have gratitude for all the things that went right!
Being diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety, Major Depressive Disorder, and PTSD, I have had to learn how to celebrate and give gratitude to myself even when the world or circumstances do not. I had to learn this and am still learning how to incorporate it into my life more fully. At the direction of my therapist, I decided to list all of the things that went right in order to not focus on what went wrong:
- I moved out by myself
- I produced excellent work for my freelance job.
- I've gone on 3 trips (so far!)
- My body dysmorphia doesn't affect me nearly as much as it used to
- I'm spending a lot of quality time with my friends
- I started Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (and I love it!)
- I'm learning how to cook more things
- I launched my podcast
- I'm drinking more water
- I'm incorporating more yoga/mindfulness into my daily routine
September is Suicide Awareness Month.
Focusing on congratulating myself and practicing gratitude has been such an important process for me to participate in for my mental health. Please take the time to take care of your mental health and reach out for help if it feels like everything is too much. Look below for some useful resources for an important month such as this. As always, be well and hope to see you next time
6 Sept 2023
Alexus Brown
https://lexdalinguist.com/
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