I have been thinking about dying lately. Then I mean not so much the physical death but the death of ego. In my own ego I find a lot of good things and also bad things. I believe partly the reasons for these nuances are that the good experiences I have had, yet also the wounds I carry with me from my upbringing. Some of these bad experiences in my upbringing and life from younger days, have been more or less traumatic and therefore they also have formed my ego strongly.
I realise when I react strongly towards what people say or do in relation to me or other people that are important to me, this reaction tells me something important about my ego. It speaks about my positive desires, but also about my more hurtful experiences. A good example is when a person may say something or do something and my strong emotional reaction to it may be way out of proportion. When this happens, like they do now and then, that is when I know this is not so much about this other person, the words said or the action itself in the moment, but it has a lot to do with my past as well. I guess experiences like this, if we are truly honest about it, are quite common for human beings, and happen again and again throughout our lives.
It is some truth to the saying, it is not how things are, but how you handle it, that is important. For me this is also about taking yourself seriously and at the same time being responsible, in the way we can try to not let our past be something we project too much upon our neigbour, and at the same time show ourselves some understanding and grace.
Again and again we project our feelings and thoughts upon the other. I must admit I probably do it quite often. What about you? The important factor is, how do we deal with it. I have had to deal with a few things this summer, and digest some feelings. This is difficult, it is painful, and there are seldom any quick fixes. To realise that the way I behave at times, especially when I get angry, is so much more about me and earlier experiences than it is about the person your in a situation with at the moment. It is very humbling when you see it, yet also painful and troubling.
Realising all these difficult parts of your ego is as I said a slow process, but a necessary one, if you are going to grow into more love, wholeness and freedom. This is what the title of this text is about, what is it in our lives now that needs to die on that hill, the hill of the cross?
I am reminded of Jesus carrying his cross for a long, torturous time, before he finally was crucified, and suffered this terrible and long lasting death. I know I probably should be careful in how I compare us or myself to Jesus Christ. Yet, he was God in human form, as he walked this Earth. And Christ's wisdom was all about giving up our egos and to follow him.
I believe Jesus meant this following quite literally. As Jesus had to drink this cup he would rather not, we also have to drink our cup, yes many cups during our lives in order to grow more and more into this love Christ exemplified. Yet, Jesus spoke about sharing his yoke, an easy yoke he said quite paradoxially, all this time I find my life all but easy.
So how about you, does this make any sense, or am I rambling like a preacher? Are we sometimes hurting others with our out of proportion reactions? How can we look into ourselves, and see it, and grace it, to heal it? I do believe there are many answers to these questions. In Christ we find some answers, and also in eternal wisdom shared in many sources. Sometimes we also need a friend to help us along the way, and we may need silence and contemplation. And my readers know that contemplation and silence is something I recommend strongly, for example in the form of centering prayer. Yet it is a long process, this becoming of who we are meant to be, to love ourselves and others, as we are deeply loved by the Divine Creator.
I pray you shall find wisdom and friends on your path to help you on your walk through life, and will find freedom and love through and after some dying on that hill. And remember you are not alone, Christ is hanging on the cross next to you yours. Peace!
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