Although betrayal trauma has a massive effect - on your mind, emotions and ability to function - there are steps you can take which can help you to heal. They include:
1. First, recognize that you are dealing with betrayal trauma. Sometime we're so distraught and overwhelmed that we can't face the truth of what has happened to us. We're in what has been described as betrayal blindness. This takes the form of minimizing how badly we've been treated, persuading ourselves that perhaps it never happened, or numbing the truth by checking out of life (e.g. by dulling our feelings with drugs, alcohol, or over-eating).
However, acknowledging the truth is empowering for us. We can now become proactive in our own recovery.
2. Get to know your triggers. Of course, you are going to be triggered unexpectedly at times, but it helps if you can also identify some triggers. This might include certain dates, people, places, movies, types of clothing, and so on.
3. Work on naming, and accepting, your emotions. Accepting unpredictable and intense emotions is the starting place for managing these difficult emotions.
Don't judge, or blame, or shame yourself for feeling as you do. They're a normal side effect of going through what you've gone through.
Also, naming the emotions makes them more manageable. It gives you some control when life feels so out of control.
4. Take care of your body. Trauma take a toll on your physical well-being. The surges in emotion release torrents of stress hormones. There's also broken sleep, constant tiredness and fatigue. These compromise, and weaken, and attack your immune system.
Proven ways of taking care of your body include: setting aside specific periods for rest, eating a healthy diet, drinking plenty of water, and getting regular exercise.
5. Figure out a self-care plan. A self-care plan for when you're triggered might include:
- Having a safe place you can withdraw and retreat to (such as going for a walk in a nearby park).
- Doing something which grounds you in the present (like practising mindful meditation)
- Actively practising self-kindness and self-compassion.
- Work on your breathing.
6. Share your story. You need your story to be heard, validated and then "held". This helps to integrate it into your life's narrative. Also, keeping secrets is destructive. It creates a sense of shame. It affects our self-esteem, and our self-worth and confidence.
However, make sure you chose a person whom you know will be discreet, empathic, non-judgmental, understanding and supportive.
"We don't 'get over' or 'move on' from trauma. We are forced to make space for it. We carry it. We learn to live with it. And, sometimes, we thrive in spite of it."
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