"Fall in love. Maybe it doesn't have to be with someone. Fall in love with music, art, dancing in the dark, car rides at 1am, the glistening of the stars, the colors of the sun as it rises, the smell of flowers, the feeling of adrenaline that takes over your whole body and suffocates your lungs with joy, good friends who bring out your best, silence, noise, fall in love with the little things that make you feel most alive and find purpose.
Fall in love with life"
a.s.b
Breaking The Radio-Silence
This quote inspired me to start writing again. It's been a good 7 or 8 months since I've updated this blog.
I got busy with adulting, pursuing a job in the corporate world and doing all that grown up stuff that dreamers like me hate to do. It was difficult for a myriad of reasons. ... and now when I think about it, I'm laughing because... WTF?
Suffice to say, without going into too much detail, it wasn't a good fit and the CEO put me out of my misery while also offering to write me a referral for my next role. (which will be... what?)
I think I'm going to take some time out to grieve friends and family who have died in the past year and major personal losses that I have gone through.
I'm also building my trauma consulting company - Creaturae - "to speak truth, life and healing into the lives of others and contribute to positive change in community - transforming mindsets and attitudes towards mental health and trauma and removing the stigma associated with it"
I will elaborate more on my company and its raison d'etre in the days and weeks to come, but for now, I just want to focus on the quote above by a.s.b; this was a quote I found on Pinterest which resonated deeply with me when I created a mood-board for my company's branding.
My struggles with Depression, Suicide, Abuse
I went through a severe mental-breakdown when I was 19 and fell into deep depression for 3 years after, during which I attempted suicide a few times; I found some stability in my mid-twenties, only to lose it when I fell in love for the first time in in my 30s, causing me to enter an emotionally and physically abusive marriage of 8 years which robbed me of my voice and sense of self, but which also helped me to understand what many other women in abusive relationships go through; I have emerged from devastation multiple times in my life and have found a sense of healing, purpose and connection through music, writing and EMDR therapy and my faith in Christ. It was hard-won - the healing - I had to determine in my heart and mind and spirit that I wouldn't let my circumstances or other peoples' opinions, insensitivity or judgment define my life or purpose.
The Book That Changed My Life
Reading the book, "The Body Keeps The Score," changed my life and helped me to understand how unprocessed trauma in early childhood often leads to mental health issues further down the road. Which certainly explained what had happened to me.
It also helped me to understand how trauma disconnects the mind from the body so that unhealed trauma survivors are out of sync with their deepest needs and instincts, and may not take the necessary steps to protect themselves as a result. Understanding how emotion is felt in the body itself, and that being able to allow oneself to feel negative emotions in the body, instead of judging oneself for feeling those emotions or trying to repress them was fundamental to my healing.
Healing through research, education and community
The road to healing is intertwined with relationship and community, and it is complex, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I want to share this message with others who are also struggling.
Through extensive and ongoing research on psychology, emotional and mental abuse, I have found purpose and meaning in sharing my story to bring healing and connection to other trauma survivors.
Finally, I have learned that to heal, you need to lean deep into your grief instead of running away from it, I have also learned that play and the use of imagination is essential in finding a measure of joy and healing.
When you understand and accept your grief, you can start to really enjoy and appreciate all that life has to offer. From there, you can see the humour and sheer absurdity of so many things in life - which gives you perspective, so you know how to pursue the things that really matter to you, so that you can slow down and listen to that still small voice inside of you, and gain a sense of grounded-ness, wholeness, healing and direction.
This is what I want to share with others.
It is okay to fall in love, it is okay to get lost, it is okay to be human.
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