Written I think about a month ago:
Tonight I went to a study meeting on Nichiren Buddhism, and we studied this really beautiful article from a book of speeches and essays that Buddhist philosopher and SGI president Daisaku Ikeda wrote called The Wisdom for Creating Happiness and Peace. It is an excellent book so far and has a lot of beautiful wisdom. I read it during lunch because I've been struggling a lot with self-confidence at work and reading it was encouraging. In Chapter 6 of the book, Ikeda talks about the principle in Buddhism called "cherry, plum, peach and damson", which comes from the teachings of Nichiren Daishonin called The Record of the Orally Transmitted Teachings, and it basically means that each individual has their own personality, their own strengths and weaknesses, but everyone has what is called the life state of Buddhahood, which is a state of life where we have boundless courage, wisdom and compassion just as we are. In "Live True to Yourself" (the material can be found here), Ikeda says that the purpose of religion is to understand the human condition and the meaning of life, and part of living as a human being is experiencing both joy and suffering. Ikeda says that it is important for each of us to be true to ourselves, but that it's easier said than done because most people tend to be easily swayed by their external circumstances. The purpose of Nichiren Buddhism is to build an unshakeable self, a strong inner core that, whether the circumstances are favorable or unpleasant, we can confront these circumstances head-on and create the most value out of them. In the second part of the study material, "Appreciating Your Uniqueness," (the material can be found here) he says that it's important to keep growing and developing ourselves in a way that is true to ourselves, and that we are each unique and have our own precious mission in life, so there's no need for us to compare ourselves to others. He says that chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, which is the name of our innate potential, lets us bring out that potential just as we are. Even if we're going through difficulties, we can challenge them using our inner wisdom, courage and compassion. I remember printing off "Appreciating Your Uniqueness" and keeping it with me in my purse and on my desk at work after reading it because every time I read it, it reminded me to not compare myself with others, which is a lot easier said than done. I'm a human so I still struggle with comparing myself to others, but then I think about this part of the book and it just reminds me I have my own unique mission to accomplish and to just keep doing my best at it every day. Even when writing this personal blog, I wondered whether my writing was good enough to publish, but after just practicing my writing, even on days when I didn't feel like writing, I became more confident in writing in my original voice. Of course, there have been days when I don't pick up the pen or go to the computer to write, but after some days or months pass I just have to remember to just refresh my determination to write consistently no matter what outcome the writing produces. Again, this is an ongoing process but I have to go through this process to grow as a person.
I also really loved this study material because embracing my individuality has definitely been a journey, and while there were many painful moments I have had to confront while on this journey, each challenge has helped me build my self-confidence and conviction that I have the potential to overcome my challenges each time through chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo and making efforts to encourage my fellow SGI Buddhists and other people. In 2016 I didn't really know what to do with my life, but I knew that I still wanted to play the cello even after college graduation. I thought that I wanted to have a job as a cellist in a professional orchestra, and while I still am working towards that dream, I have been able to use these past few years to develop more confidence in my abilities as a musician, and moreover, my self-worth. In another book I love called Discussions on Youth, Daisaku Ikeda says that self-confidence isn't something you just magically have overnight, it's something that you develop through challenging yourself in something, and that one can't be said to have true self-confidence if their opinion of themselves see-saws based on others' opinions. I think this is especially true these past couple of years, because before the pandemic hit I had this big glamorous vision of moving to New York City and playing at Carnegie Hall and having this glamorous career where I played with many different musicians and got all these awards. While some part of me is still striving for that, I also have done a lot of inner transformation, called human revolution in Nichiren Buddhism, over these past few years and I have come to understand that success isn't just about glitz and glamour. Genuine success comes down to making earnest daily efforts even if they aren't glamorous. When I first started working at Starbucks I struggled to take my work seriously because I thought that because it wasn't related to my music career it wasn't important, but as I polished myself through my SGI activities and efforts in my Buddhist practice, I gained the confidence to keep doing my best at my job whether or not I was going to be at the company long-term. I also came to understand through studying Buddhism that it's about developing my inner self and letting that self shine so she can bring her best self to any area of her life, be it work, school, friendships, other relationships, and faith activities. It's not about keeping up appearances, it's about embracing who I am and understanding that I'm always going to be growing and improving and always have something to learn about myself.
Honestly looking back, I am glad things have worked out the way they did. I am still striving for a music career, but I've gradually been able to build a skill that is essential for anything in life, and that is learning how to embrace failure. As a recovering perfectionist I had to learn how to embrace rejection and failure so that I could grow, because the truth is, life isn't always going to be fun but you can use those difficult moments, the seemingly un-glamorous moments, to figure out what your strengths are, what you can improve upon, and figure out how to use that in your career. Also, I learned through studying Buddhism to see things from a broader perspective, so I realized over time that rejection is part of any career, part of life itself, not just in the world of orchestra auditions. When I auditioned for my first professional orchestra audition I played to the best of my ability, and frankly I almost didn't go to the audition because I was battling serious mental health problems and broke down crying while I chanted Nam-myoho-renge-kyo before my audition. I played "The Swan," not knowing until a little later that most people probably choose a concerto for their solo piece when auditioning for professional orchestras, but what did I care? At this point, after literally fighting to the death against depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety to get my ass to the audition place, I was willing to just cut the perfectionist bullshit and just do my best for the judges. And it turns out, when I let go of trying to put on airs and just played my best, the judges at the end of the day listened to me play and looking back, I appreciate them even just hearing me play, mind you without a curtain separating me from them. I look back with appreciation that I even got to play for them in person and also talk with them on a heart-to-heart, human-to-human level. At that point it wasn't about me being perfect, but about connecting to another person's Buddha nature through my music.
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