Chapter Two: Roots
I thank you for all the lives you've led
I thank you for every word you said
I thank you for walking away
I thank you
I thank you for the promises you broke
For always watching, watching while I choke
I thank you for teaching me
Yes, I thank you for your hurting
I bite down a little harder
My blades a little sharper
My roots, my roots
Run deep into the hollow
For the first time in a long time, I don't wake up alone. Ali sleeps on the floor right beside the edge of my futon. Luna is passed out beside me curled into a ball. One of her hands rests lightly on my shoulder. After months of sleeping alone and a complete lack of human contact, this is beyond comforting. I turn over and carefully hop over Ali. I look at the clock. It's eight o'clock in the morning. Jesus, I can't believe how long I slept. The emotional roller coaster I've been on took even more of a toll than I thought. I get up and sneak over to Ali. I bet my family is ultra confused and hasn't seen me for more than twenty-four hours. How the fuck do I explain these new people in our house? How the fuck am I supposed to tell them I have to go to California with these new people?
I know I can't tell them the truth. They'd think I was lying or that I've actually gone absolutely nuts. And, I can't lie to them in any capacity. So, I logically go with the easiest version of this narrative...
I sit down on the couch next to my burly father. He's whittling a huge stick with a bowie knife. Einar is reading in the big blue armchair. Mom is in the kitchen, cooking breakfast. I call her in for a second, trying to act normal as I can. As soon as she sits down, dishtowel in hand, I start. "So, I am sorry I was absent yesterday, mostly sleeping... I needed it... But, I also have some guests upstairs. A crazy car wreck happened yesterday on the turnpike. I had to help them up the hill. They're okay now, though, sleeping it off. It turns out they've run into some trouble, and need my help... It sounds absolutely insane, I know. But, these girls need my help.."
My mom reacts first, no surprise there. "Well, what do they need? Do they need money? Are you dating one of them? Why California? It seems so far... you're an adult, but you can't just leave us like this." Oh god, she's panicking.
What do I say now? "I...."
Ali saves me and butts in, "Mrs. Taylor, I am so sorry we barged in like this... We did not mean to alarm or intrude... Luna, my sister, and I were in a car accident yesterday on the way to Seattle. Caitlin saved our lives. She pulled us from the car," she wraps an arm around my shoulder, "We were just wondering if we could borrow her for a bit. We all just really hit it off and I'd love for her to meet our family, too. Now that we've met hers." She lets go of me and holds out her hand, "I am Ali."
My mom very surprisingly takes her hand and shakes it, tears coming to her eyes. "We never turn away from helping people, especially such nice young women like you. Cait doesn't have many friends... It's so good to see she found you." Well, that is true.
"We are so glad we found her as well," Ali smiles, "She's quite the host... So, is it okay if we borrow her to fix our car and finish our road trip? We're supposed to meet my girlfriend in Seattle tonight."
"Oh yes, of course! Anything you girls need! Derek, my husband, can help with the car as well." Who is this woman? This is clearly not my mom... She never ever lets people in like this.
Luna enters the conversation, "Thank you so very much for helping us and not kicking us to the curb... I am Luna, by the way."
My mom stands up and goes to Luna and hugs her, shocking me even more. "You are so welcome my dear... Let's get everyone some breakfast before you head out." I should've known she'd love Ali and Luna..., especially Luna. I mean, who doesn't instantly love Luna? Her down-to-earth vibes are right in my mom's wheelhouse.
The six of us enjoy a massive pancake breakfast provided by my mom in faster than light fashion. Thank god she made a seemingly infinite stack. I am starving, and I have a feeling this is going to be a long day, in so many ways. I've spent three months in a well of antisocial depression. Now, I have to go all over the place with two girls I just met... It's a huge leap from my quiet life to having a large extended family and rescuing Ali's girlfriend.
My dad and I finish our food first in record time, eager to get Ali's car to the garage and off the road. Leaving it on the turn was dangerous, but yesterday was such a whirlwind, I didn't even think about moving it. Dad and I get in the truck and head up the road. Kansas is playing on his stereo, of course.
"I know you're an adult now and I know you can handle anything...but, be careful and watch out for yourself. I know you want to help your friends, but don't forget to come home. Your mother would kill them... and me," he laughs.
"Aww, Dad... I'm not leaving for good or moving out. It's just a little road trip to help Ali and then hang out at their home. I'll call, too. All the time. I think I need this... I think getting out and seeing more of the country will help get this monkey off my back. I can't let the depression lock me down."
He nods, "Exactly what I was thinking and hoping for. Getting out and being with people like you could help. Who knows what will happen. Maybe you'll bring a girl home... Just warn me before you do, so it's not a shock to your mother, haha!"
"Haha, no worries... That probably won't happen." The only girl I want to bring home is Avery, so it pains me to hear that a little... Because part of me still thinks I'll never get to do that.
"Don't give up. No matter what. There's someone out there for you. You have a lot to offer someone."
I wish I could tell him the truth. But I know now is definitely not the time. Talking about Avery right now would make me so vulnerable. Right now, I need to be strong. "Maybe I've already found her..."
He nods, "Oh yeah, Luna is your type." Haha well, he's not totally wrong. Luna is one hundred percent my type; Cute, small, glasses, dark hair, and immense emotional quotient. That's the thing about being Pansexual, you pretty much crush on anyone you connect with. Whether it's Luna's powers or circumstances, there's a connection there.
Dad and I get to the mysterious car accident site. Ali's car is the one on the right down the shoulder. The other car... is plated from New York. It's in fairly good shape. Ali's car is wrecked. The frame is bent to hell and back. It looks like there's nothing we can do about it. So, we hook the other car up with the winch and tie-downs. I get in it, finding the keys on the floorboard. The key chain has four keys and a pendulum attached. The pendulum is engraved with "FBOC". It looks government-related, similar to the CIA logo. Other than that, there's no indication to whom this vehicle belonged. There's no registration or title. No personal effects. Luckily, Ali and Danny seem to be near forensic hackers. They'll figure it out. But, I have a feeling Ali's girlfriend wins the priority list.
We tow the unknown vehicle to the shop entrance. There we're met by Luna and Mom with hot tea and the cats. The radiator leaks, but nothing else appears mechanically wrong. Luckily, it's a Subaru. So, after an hour Dad and I have a new radiator and hoses installed. He proceeds with an oil top off and air in the tires. The driver-side fender is bent, slightly rubbing on the newly inflated tire. I walk up and pop it out. My dad just looks at me and shakes his head. My parents aren't disillusioned, but they sure wouldn't believe anything Ali told me. For now, it's best if they stay in the dark about these "abilities".
I give my parents and Einar a quick goodbye hug, trying to avoid getting emotional. God knows I am not a crier. I am sad to leave them, knowing I won't be here for a while to help. They've helped me through so much lately, and they don't even know it.
The three of us set out on an hour's drive to Seattle. I have no idea what to expect. I have no idea where this all is leading, but it feels... good. It feels good to be driving away from home. It turned into a depression cave. Getting out of it is exactly what I need. I need to breathe. I need to feel some kind of hope, some kind of purpose. Obviously, they're not my family by blood, but they raised me, gave me a home, and did nothing but help me through this crazy life. Leaving them is something unimaginable, but right now, it's the best thing for me. If I stay in this house and rest in my cave of depression and antisocial tendencies, I'll never change. Being with these girls to help them and Brittney is a whole new task for me to focus on. Maybe through all of this and a distraction, Avery will finally come back to me.
Ali puts the radio on and my mind wanders through infinite possibilities. I look at Luna and I wonder. I wonder if I was meant to find her on that road yesterday. Maybe she can heal Avery. Maybe the things affecting Avery can be fixed. Right now, it's not so conducive to speculate, but I can't help but wonder. Avery is everything to me. She's my one. She's my soulmate. And, I will do anything to help her, regardless if she wants to be with me or not. In the end, I just want to help her above all.
"I can't believe this is happening," Ali says, "Everything was fine... We had just kept thousands of protesters safe and guarded a flurry of votes. We had just survived a pandemic... And now, one of our own, my fucking girlfriend was attacked. Like why? How does this even happen?" She sounds anxious, and rightfully so. I can relate.
"Do you know who attacked her?" I ask.
She shakes her head wiping away tears, "No. That's the thing, nobody fucking saw it. She was playing a show in Seattle, got off stage to go change, and some guy fucking attacked her. She has powers, but couldn't even fight him off... so either he's one of us, or knows what we are."
"God. I'm sorry, man. Is she okay? Like, are her injuries pretty serious?"
"She's going to be okay. She's just beaten up and has a head contusion. But, she's scared... she won't say it, but I know she is. She is usually so transparent, but she isn't talking."
"Ali, Brittney is strong," Luna reassures, "She's going to recover and be just fine... I know it feels like we were personally attacked and targeted, but it's going to be okay. We'll all go home for a while and Catie will be with us," Luna smiles at me through the rearview.
"I sure hope you're right... but, I don't think we're safe, Luna. Any of us." Ali's voice shakes. The terror in her voice is heartbreaking, but god. I feel the same way not knowing where Avery is. I feel utter fear not knowing if she'll ever come back.
The trees blaze by us as we enter the valley. The clearing illuminates in the midday sun. the skyline of Seattle reveals itself at the top of this hill. It's as enchanting as always, but the Rain City is even more radiant. Not a cloud shows itself in the sky. I drive us into the city and we admire the busyness, the atmosphere, and the view of the Pacific. The harbors are lined with ferries and steamboats. Traffic is an absolute nightmare, but for once, I enjoy the company of thousands of people. It's a nice distraction from the pain and turmoil within.
Ali directs me to the hospital with her GPS, which is extremely difficult to follow. Ali is frantic, not seeming to calm down, and is rushing me to get there. I've been in the city before and kind of know where things are, but Ali is lost. She ignores my ideas and directions, staying steadfast with her phone. She becomes extremely argumentative... So, I just let her lead us there and don't say a word. This is the most frantic I have ever seen anyone in my entire life. My anxiety storms within me, making me fearful and shut down. It's a lot to take, but I know she can't help it. Once we see the hospital, she goes cold and silent, crying softly. Luna tries to console her, but she noticeably withdraws. I guess she's doing exactly what I did when Avery left me.
Ali is frozen in her seat now that we're in the parking garage. I find a spot, hoping she will take a moment to breathe and calm herself. Luna tries to help and hug her from behind in her seat. But, it's to no avail. Ali snaps, telling us, or yelling rather, to go in first. She begins looping, saying, "I can't do this." It's difficult to watch. This level of panic thrusts me back to a memory. My parents, Einar, and I were on a Christmas vacation in Tucson, Arizona, before we moved to NYC. I was sixteen, and Einar was fifteen. We had just left to go cruise and look at all the Christmas lights in the residential areas when we were rear-ended at a stoplight. We sustained no injuries and the driver only had a head laceration, but my mom suffered unseen trauma. She was shaking uncontrollably, screaming in the passenger seat. She was inconsolable, hysterical with fear.
Ali reacts just like that. And, I have no idea how to help. I have no idea why she reacts like this. I don't know her or the situation well enough. All I know is, that her girlfriend probably needs her more than ever right now. She is undoubtedly scared too. Maybe Ali feels like I do; helpless. Maybe she feels like she can't help Brittney, just like I can't help Avery. Even though I don't completely understand Ali and her emotions, I expect they are for a reason, and they're similar to mine.
"Ali, I don't know you very well or the situation... I may seem like I am clueless in all of this. But, I know one thing absolutely, Brittney needs you right now. You may have no clue how to help her or what to say to her, but if she really loves you, just being there for her is enough. You get your feelings out here and now, leave them out here. You need to be there for her first. Emotions and the hard stuff are fucking hard to face, but we have to face it. We have to march into that room and face the pain and the anger, or none of the joy and happiness happens. None of the good shit happens, because we run away and we don't let life happen."
I expect her to either be angry with me or just walk out. I really expect yelling or scoffing or something. Instead, she surprises me with a bear hug and tears. I hug back awkwardly, as I am not really a hugger. Luna places her hand on my shoulder and all I feel is acceptable. Ali parts quickly, wiping the tears away as she thanks me. We speak no more and disembark to face whatever reality awaits us. Ali keeps surprising me every second I am around her in the most unexpected ways. I have a feeling this whole family is this way.
I hate hospitals. I haven't spent much time with them, which I guess it's obvious since I'm invulnerable. The empathetic side of me hurts in these halls of pain. Einar needed an emergency appendectomy four years ago, and the whole experience was frightening. I was young and didn't really understand what was happening. I didn't know if he'd be okay or not. My mom and I thought we were going to lose him, but my dad kept us sane enough. I understand why Ali doesn't want to be here. I'd rather wait in the car, but if I am going to be a part of this family, I need to be strong for them.
The three of us follow a doctor to Brittney's room. The whole thing feels weird, to be honest. It's super quiet on this floor, and I am not sure why. This medical center is the most well regarded in the Northwest... To have a whole floor with barely anyone on it is weird. We get to Brittney's room and she's awake, sitting up in a gown in bed. She's this super lanky gaunt but a chiseled nerdy-looking girl with thick-rimmed glasses. She has impossibly long deep brown hair, even longer than Ali's. She looks relatively okay and alert so far. She smiles as we come in.
Ali rushes to her side and kisses her on the cheek, "I am so glad you're okay... Those fuckers.. I can't believe you're in this situation," she hugs her. "But, it's over for now. Because whomever these fuckers are, they're fucked. We found her, baby... We found Caitlin."
"It's totally ok, babe! I am just glad you guys made it and are okay... But, okay what now? You found Cailtin?! How?"
Ali pulls away and smiles, then points to me, "Yesss! She fucking saved our lives! We literally ran into her when we wrecked! She lived right up the road. It's actually a super fucking weird coincidence, but here she is."
I walk up to her awkwardly and shake her hand, "Hi, I am Cait, haha. It's great to meet you. Ali doesn't shut up about you."
Brittney looks at me for a second as if I have three heads. She looks at Ali. She looks at me, "Huh. I always thought you'd be taller." Ali and Luna laugh, so I laugh too. I assume it's a joke.
"Well, you know. Good things come in small packages too," I smile.
"So, do we know anything about these guys," Brittney changes the subject and holds Ali's hand firmly.
I wait for someone to respond... "Well, this is the only thing I pulled from the wrecked car," I pull the pendant from my pocket and hand it to her.
She looks skeptical, "You found this in the car?"
I nod, "Yeah... When my dad and I went to tow it, the pendant was on a keychain. I assume it's a company logo, maybe also a company car, or maybe even government. There wasn't anything else."
"Why didn't you show it to us earlier," Ali asks, also skeptical. I am definitely an outsider. Can't say I like this level of scrutiny, but I get why they're questioning me.
"Brittney is more important than this," I say bluntly, "I didn't want to distract."
Ali looks at me, "This IS about her," her face turns red.
Luna comes up beside me, "Cait means to say, she just wanted to get us to Britt ASAP. Family before anything else, that is what Maria told us. She's one of us, guys."
"I just want to help. You asked me to help," I add. "If it were my girlfriend, I'd be so focused on her and supporting her, I wouldn't want to worry about anything else."
Ali calms, "You're right," She sits by Brittney and kisses her forehead. "Let's get you well first... We'll let Maria and Alissa take care of it. They'll find them. We'll find these fuckers. And now, nothing can stop us from protecting our own," Ali looks at me and nods reassuringly.
Luna hugs me from the side to reassure me, but it doesn't help. Right now, this position I am in is extremely uncomfortable. I hate being doubted. I hate being questioned. I understand right now is a tense and emotional situation for them, but it hurts. It hurts me because it reminds me of how Avery doubted our relationship. This doubt reminds me of my father pushing me so hard through school, doubting if I'd ever make something of myself. It cuts deep and opens very fresh wounds.
All I can do is hope that they learn to trust me. I don't know what it will take to ensure the trust, but I will do anything. I have no choice but to trust them. I already have a bond. I already have hope that they can bring Avery back to me, and I can't let that go. I can't let my own insecurities and burdens get in the way now. I have come this far, I have to stick with it. Maybe the others will trust me even more and lift the morale. Because right now, two out of three people in this clearly do not trust me.
I slip out into the waiting room with Luna while the doctor checks on Brittney once more. We have a long drive ahead of us, so it's good she's getting extra care. Luna and I sit on the couch silently. I don't know what to say nor do I feel like talking, but she seems okay with it. We watch nurses take phone calls and shuffle discharge papers. Other than that, it's fairly quiet. I close my eyes and try to relax, knowing we'll be driving through the night. I assume I'll be the driver, so I want to recharge a bit. Luna sits right next to me. Without warning or hesitation, she snuggles up to me, laying her head on my shoulder. I settle in and feel immensely calm by her presence, her closeness. Normally, I'd feel awkward or like I should move, but this is different. It could be her large aura of empathic power, but I feel comforted. I haven't felt calm or any comfort in a long fucking time.
A quick hour power nap passes. Brittney and Ali come to get us, so we can head out. Luna and I lead them out to the parking garage. Luna takes shotgun, so the couple can take the back seat. I assume they're going to try to get some sleep, so I keep the music low and will drive as smoothly as possible. Brittney undoubtedly needs the rest. I can't imagine what she's been through for the past twenty-four hours. But, I am glad she and Ali have each other. As much as it pains me to see them together, it's also inspiring. Maybe one day, Avery and I can be together out and open.
Everyone settles into the first twenty minutes. Luna breaks the silence, "Are you okay," she asks.
I look at her, "Yeah... I guess so. It's just been a weird couple of days. There's so much on my mind, and yet I have so much clarity."
"What's on your mind? If you want to talk about it, I am here."
"I just... Seeing Ali with her girlfriend makes me miss Avery even more. It reminds me of how loving she was, and how much I crave that. I just wonder if she doesn't want that with me anymore."
She takes my free hand that's resting on the console. She holds it for a minute. "She loves you, I know she does, unequivocally. She wants to be with you... I know it, Cait. Just give it time, she'll come around. I feel that you won't give up, and that's what matters. She has to know that as well."
"What if she doesn't want to come back? What the hell do I do?" I start to tear up at the thought of it. "I would be... I would be so utterly completely fucking lost."
Luna squeezes my hand, "It would be probably the hardest thing you've ever been through... but, you'd survive. And, more importantly, you wouldn't go through it alone. I will be here for you, either way, no matter what. That's what we all do for each other."
I start crying as the fear and also immense emotion comes over me, "I know I have you guys, especially you, but... I can't fucking lose her. I can't do it. I cannot live with it. I won't live in a world where she and I don't exist."
Luna leans in and holds onto me the best she can from the car seat. "Cait, listen to me. Either way, if she doesn't want to be with you or we never find her, you can get through it. You are fucking strong. She may be the love of your life or your soulmate, but it doesn't mean it's the end for you." I can't decide whether I'm just crying from fear and pain, or how amazing Luna's words are. "But, I KNOW we will find her," she brushes her hand through my hair and then wipes my cheek dry, "I just know she wouldn't leave you like that..."
Brittney interjects in a quiet voice, "We'll all get through this together... Luna is right, we're all here for you, no matter what. If anyone can find your girl, Ali can. I know that. Just hang in there a little bit longer." Her hand reaches forward and rests on my shoulder. She continues, "I was actually engaged to a guy, living with him in fact, before I met Ali. when he broke up with me... I thought that was it. I turned pretty darn cold to the world, gave up on love, and adopted a cat. But then, I met Ali at a show... And, man. My whole freaking world changed... Luna is right, even if Avery isn't found, you will survive. You will move on. You have us now!"
I calm down, processing these words and letting them sink in. They're right. I will survive, either way. I have been through worse than a breakup. It seems like the worst thing ever to be left and broken as if she never cared. At the same time, she already abandoned me in that cabin. Waking up alone in a strange cabin with no way out, and no car was fucking terrifying. The three months of searching for her have been unimaginably painful. She put me through this. She did this, she already hurt me. I'm angry, I'm hurt; I love her, but I don't know if she loves me back. And if she really does, I don't think I can forgive her.
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