You may have heard the ways con men and sex offenders will groom their victims, manipulating them to accept transgressions they normally wouldn’t accept. Addiction grooms you, too. It grooms the addict to accept the costs of addiction. Then the addict goes on to groom their loved ones. Understanding how it does this can help you recognize the warning signs and find pathways to recovery. Vernon and Molly’s Story: A Double GroomingVernon owned a dairy farm that was passed down to him after his father died in a farming accident. Molly was shy and didn’t like to leave the house. They both believed in old-fashioned family values. Vernon said she would make a perfect farm wife. Once they got married she took charge of everything inside the home: cooking and raising the kids. He handled everything outside the home. The exception was that he did the farm accounting because she had no head for numbers and dealing with money made her anxious. Vernon liked to play poker with friends every Saturday night. Molly did not begrudge him his one pleasure because he was so hard working the rest of the week. As the kids got older and could do more chores, Vernon began to travel to farm shows. He always stopped at a casino. He didn’t think he needed to tell Molly. She hadn’t been concerned about poker, so why should a casino be different? When she noticed the herd of cows slowly dwindling as he would sell one here and there to pay for gambling debts, he said he was culling the herd. When creditors started calling the house, he got rid of the land line so they couldn’t bother her anymore. Then one day she saw a letter from the bank, saying they were in foreclosure. He yelled at her for snooping and said he had to go off on these trips because her lack of trust in him made it intolerable to be at home. The harm Molly suffered was devastating. She was cut off from friends and family, living far out in the country, and when Vernon disconnected the phone, he eliminated her one connection to the outside world. Her financial dependence left her vulnerable and unable to monitor what was happening to their assets. Vernon became increasingly domineering, yelled at her, and blamed her for the problems he had created. She was lied to repeatedly about the casino trips, the selling of cattle, and the true state of their finances. Vernon essentially took Molly hostage, trapping her in a situation where she had little power or ability to protect herself or make independent decisions. Finally, she lost her home when the farm went into foreclosure. Vernon loved Molly, so it’s hard to believe that he deliberately groomed her, knowing full well what he was doing. It would be chilling if that’s how it happened, but that’s not how it works. I mean a pattern develops. Choosing to live out on the farm in a traditional arrangement, taking charge of the finances, and gambling small amounts before moving on to big ones does not have to be part of a master plan to be part of a pattern. One thing simply creates the conditions that lead to another as Vernon drifts from one stage to the next because of opportunity and lack of restraint. Vernon suffered devastating harm as well, though of a different kind. The shame and stigma of his gambling problem isolated him and made him feel different from everyone, trapping him in uncomfortable feelings from which only more gambling seemed to offer escape. He lost his integrity, becoming dishonest and manipulative, lying about casino trips and making excuses for selling off the herd. He migrated away from friendships with people who might have helped restrain him, replacing them with relationships with strangers at high-stakes tables who had no investment in his wellbeing. He became increasingly domineering and abusive toward his wife, transforming into someone he likely never intended to be. Most tragically, he became trapped in a vicious cycle where the only escape from the pain his gambling caused was more gambling, with the addiction maintaining its control through the very shame and misery it created. Finally , his addiction cost him the family farm that had been passed down to him, a legacy he destroyed through gambling debts. What Does It Mean to Say Addiction “Grooms” Someone?When I say addiction groomed Vernon, I’m describing a pattern that developed over time. Addiction isn’t an actual creature or demon. It’s an emergent phenomenon, a process that organizes itself naturally out of properties inherent in the situation. Other examples of emergence include the Market, Evolution, the Self, or even Life itself. We often personify these concepts to help us understand them better. The addict doesn’t necessarily follow a conscious master plan. Instead, one thing creates the conditions that lead to another as the person drifts from one stage to the next because of opportunity and lack of restraint. Vernon groomed himself while he was grooming Molly. His gambling addiction groomed him. The Six Stages of Grooming1. TargetIn the targeting stage, the groomer identifies and selects someone who has vulnerabilities that make them susceptible. This might be a predisposition, an unmet need, or a circumstance that creates an opening. Addiction groomed Vernon: Vernon may have been predisposed to have a gambling problem by genetic factors. His father was not a gambler, but he was a risk-taker who died trying to clear a jam in the corn picker with the machine still running and bled to death alone in a corn field. Vernon inherited that willingness to take dangerous risks. Vernon groomed Molly: Vernon chose Molly in part because she was fine with being a traditional wife who would not question his authority. 2. Gain TrustIn this stage, the groomer establishes itself as safe, reliable, and beneficial. Early experiences seem positive, building confidence that this relationship or behavior is trustworthy and won’t cause harm. Addiction groomed Vernon: Vernon never gambled a lot in the beginning, so he never lost much at first. He would win every so often, so it seemed safe. He met ordinary, likeable people who gambled, so it didn’t seem weird or especially dangerous. Vernon groomed Molly: Vernon was hard working. He owned a farm. Her parents liked him. He promised to take care of her. 3. Fill a NeedHere, the groomer positions itself as the solution to a problem or the fulfillment of something missing in the victim’s life. It becomes indispensable by meeting a need the person struggles to address in other ways. Addiction groomed Vernon: Gambling gave Vernon a thrill he never got the rest of the week. It was an escape from the drudgery of farm work. Vernon groomed Molly: Molly believed she was unable to do the accounting for the farm. Vernon was willing to do it. 4. IsolateThe groomer gradually separates the victim from protective influences: people who might intervene, alternative activities, or sources of support and accountability. The victim becomes increasingly dependent and alone. Addiction groomed Vernon: As Vernon began to gamble more and more, he spent more time with people who fed the gambling bug (casino employees and other gamblers) and avoided those who could give him a hard time about it. As his gambling got more serious, he migrated away from the games with friends who might restrain him, to high-stakes games with strangers. Vernon groomed Molly: They lived far out in the country, so Molly rarely saw friends and family. She was financially dependent on Vernon. 5. DesensitizeIn this stage, the groomer starts with behaviors the victim won’t object to, then gradually escalates to more harmful actions. Each small step normalizes the behavior and prepares the victim to accept what they would never have initially tolerated. Addiction groomed Vernon: In the beginning, Vernon got used to gambling small amounts before moving on to big ones. Indeed, he needed to move on to high-stakes games in the casino because the low-stakes games with friends weren’t giving him enough of a thrill anymore. Vernon also gradually desensitized himself to treating his wife poorly. He did not start off being so domineering. He started by having a separate area of responsibility, which facilitated keeping secrets. It was easy then to move on to lying and making excuses before he cut off her ability to communicate with the outside world and blamed her for the problem. Vernon groomed Molly: Molly learned to accept the weekly poker games before Vernon moved on to the trips to a casino. He had an explanation for the trips and selling the cows. She was also gradually desensitized to Vernon getting domineering. 6. Maintain ControlOnce the grooming is complete, this stage uses shame, secrecy, blame, and the victim’s dependency to maintain the harmful pattern. The victim feels trapped, and ironically, the pain caused by the situation drives them deeper into it. Addiction groomed Vernon: The shame and stigma of losing money gambling silenced Vernon and made him feel different from everyone. These are uncomfortable feelings from which more gambling can help him escape. Vernon groomed Molly: Vernon evoked traditional values to keep her silenced and to continue to accept his gambling. He eliminated the phone, her one connection to the outside world. He even tried to blame her for losing the farm. Breaking Free: Reversing the Grooming ProcessHow can Molly and Vernon defeat the gambling problem that had caused so much harm? They can work backwards through the stages of grooming and undo the conditions that led to them losing their farm. 1. Renounce ControlRecovery begins by breaking the mechanisms that keep the victim trapped. This means refusing to let shame, secrecy, and fear maintain their power. Both the person with the addiction and those affected by it must stop accepting the status quo and take active steps toward freedom. Vernon: Vernon can relinquish the control that the shame and stigma of gambling has by refusing to let it silence him. He should admit that he has a gambling problem and admit that he has essentially taken Molly hostage. Molly: Molly can escape the control Vernon, and his gambling problem, have on her by taking steps towards becoming more self-reliant. 2. SensitizeAfter being desensitized to harmful behaviors, recovery requires becoming alert again to warning signs and triggers. What once seemed normal or acceptable must be recognized as dangerous. This involves rebuilding boundaries and treating even small manifestations of the problem seriously. Vernon: Vernon must become more sensitized to gambling and the triggers to gamble. This means that even small bets should be a big deal. It also means that all the approaches to gambling should set off trip wires and alarms. He should be careful when talking about big wins, playing Yahtzee with the kids, and watching the Poker Channel. No more trips alone, casino or not. For most, sensitization is achieved by making abstinence an objective. Vernon also needs to be sensitized to how he treats Molly by learning to respect her independence and acknowledge her worth. He should become scrupulously honest, especially about his dealings with money. Molly: Molly can become sensitized by recognizing the signs and the triggers of Vernon’s gambling and the signs of when he is becoming domineering. She could be a lookout and learn how to warn Vernon effectively when she sees trouble coming. 3. Expand Your ViewIsolation must be reversed by reconnecting with the wider world. This means rebuilding relationships with people who offer healthy perspectives, engaging in activities that don’t revolve around the addiction, and rediscovering sources of support and accountability that were abandoned or avoided. Vernon: Vernon must find other forms of recreation that don’t involve gambling and develop friendships with non-gamblers. Molly: Molly also needs to develop relationships with people who demonstrate ways to live, other than the one she’s used to. 4. Fill the Need Another WayThe addiction or harmful pattern filled a real need, even if destructively. Recovery requires identifying what that need was and finding healthier, sustainable ways to meet it. This might mean addressing underlying issues like boredom, anxiety, or the need for excitement through constructive means. Vernon: If Vernon needs a thrill, there are a hundred other ways to get one besides gambling. Even better, he can tune into the joy and wonder that can be found in ordinary activities. Molly: Molly needs to overcome her math anxiety and monitor their finances. 5. Develop Self-RelianceGrooming creates dependency, either on the addictive behavior or on another person to solve problems. Recovery means recognizing that external solutions to internal problems don’t work. True freedom comes from developing confidence in one’s own ability to face challenges without relying on destructive crutches or enabling relationships. Both Vernon and Molly got into trouble because they trusted that something or someone else would bail them out of a problem that was only theirs to solve. Vernon trusted gambling to solve his problem of being bored with farm work. There is nothing inherently boring about farm work; it is his attitude towards it that made him bored. Molly trusted Vernon to solve her math anxiety by eliminating the need to ever have to do any math. In both cases, they trusted too much and did not challenge their own abilities to face their problems. 6. Protecting the TargetThe final step acknowledges that vulnerabilities don’t disappear entirely. However, awareness of these vulnerabilities allows for appropriate caution and protective measures. Just as someone would be careful around a physical danger they can’t eliminate, they can learn to live safely with predispositions or fears by understanding and respecting them. Vernon: There isn’t a lot Vernon can do to change the predisposition he was born with, but he can be aware he has a tendency to take risks and a willingness to sacrifice everything for a thrill. He should keep that in mind just as he knows that a cow can kick, or a corn picker can chew up his hand. He can safely live with that predisposition if he knows to be careful with it. Molly: Molly needs to know how letting her fears control her put her at risk. If she faced her fears of leaving the house and of handling the finances, then not only will she be keeping herself safe, she would also be helping Vernon. The Path ForwardAddiction doesn’t arrive fully formed. It builds itself gradually, exploiting vulnerabilities, establishing trust, meeting needs, creating isolation, normalizing harmful behaviors, and finally maintaining control through shame and dependency. Understanding this progression is powerful because it reveals that recovery isn’t a mystery. It’s simply the reversal of a process that can be mapped and understood. The stages of grooming provide both warning and hope. They warn us to watch for the early signs before patterns become entrenched. They offer hope because what was built step by step can be dismantled the same way. Vernon and Molly’s story shows how addiction creates collateral damage, harming not just the addict but everyone in its path. Yet their story also demonstrates that recognizing the pattern is the first step toward breaking it. The grooming process is powerful, but it’s not irreversible. With awareness, support, and deliberate action, freedom is possible. 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Monday, 19 January 2026
Addiction Grooms the Addict While the Addict Grooms His Partner
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