I prayed to God to bless me with girls. I knew the horrors first had of boys and I wanted no part of that. I spent my childhood in tactical maneuvers to escape their attention. Fake left and move right. Think fast, I'm safe.
I saw from my exiled position as a girl child, the power and privileges of being born with a penis. Many obvious moments were growing up watching the attention bestowed on males. They were celebrated breeders, encouraged to impregnate the neighborhood. Scattering seeds to leave unattended and the ravages of poverty.
It is said that girls will teach you how to love yourself. Boys teach you how to love someone else.
The truth is I don't know the language of little girls. I never spoke softly to my girls because I never experienced that. Unless someone male wanted something from me. Softspoken was the prelude to trauma. I never learned to hold my daughters close while they cried. Tears frightened me, as my own tears terrified me. I never learned to sit quietly and listen while they spoke of their hopes, dreams, or their wishes. I didn't know how to squeal with excitement when they were interested in something. I never learned to gossip about boys or dream of love while we played together.
Softness was not safe, so I chose the other. I was quiet, stoic, and unflinching. My daughters saw me as unapproachable. This is ironic because that is how I saw my mother and I was determined not to be her. I believe she was clinically depressed and I have my moments of depression. My depression used to take me out of my life and I would engage in destructive, abusive behavior. Now I lay down, close my eyes, and thank God I have choices.
It is said that girls will teach you how to love yourself.
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