My Brother
I have so many fond memories of my childhood growing up with John Leif. Our parents created an idyllic environment for us to grow up in; our mornings were spent doing our homeschool work and our afternoons were free for playing. JL and I spent many hours creating imaginary worlds with characters in Lego and Playmobil, racing his Hot Wheels cars or digging in the dirt with his Tonka Trucks. When he was little, he would also happily play baby dolls or dress ups with me, and we would create puppet shows or build forts in the living room or back yard. JL shared my love of animals, and we spent a lot of time playing with and caring for our many pets: cats, rats, hermit crabs, frogs and fish. While we had plenty of sibling fights over the years, he was the playmate I had been waiting for and I cherish the carefree time we were so privileged to have together. I wish that we could have continued growing up together into adulthood, sharing even more adventures and exploring new places. I miss him very much.
Johanna
You Are Always With Me
J. L. – It's been 10 years – a full decade since your passing. My memory of your face is slightly fading. Your voice and your laugh aren't as crisp in my mind anymore. Your appearances in my dreams have become less and less over the years. While I'm scared of forgetting about you, I'm relieved that I'm finally moving on. Your death has affected me tremendously, and there has been a hole in my heart that has felt bottomless for so long. Fortunately that has changed and that hole has been filled. Although I lost you - my best friend - I found another. Man, I wish you could meet her. You'd laugh because she's exactly who I used to describe as my "perfect woman" during our long rooftop conversations while watching the sun rise after a long, rowdy night.
I have a full life though I still can't delete your number from my phone contacts or your gamertag on Xbox (which I haven't played in years). Life still doesn't quite feel complete without you around. Memories of you, however, are becoming more a feeling of pleasant remembrance rather than a haunting reminder of your absence in this world. I like to think that this comes from your soul telling mine of your acceptance of the afterlife. Whatever the reason, you'll always be with me as I enter the next chapters of my life. While I wish we were experiencing them together, I know you're looking out and guiding me from above. I love you, my brother.
Kyle Thornton
His Death Changed Me
J.L. had an infectious laugh and smile, and a sort of curiosity like a coyote – a twinkle in his eye always. He was really damn smart and twice as funny. Also, very loyal to friends and those close to him. His death changed me, has forever changed me. The seriousness of addiction was clear before – but him suddenly being gone shook me to my core.
He's missed, and I speak of him often to not forget him – to newcomers and men I take through the twelve steps, and to my friends and family.
Benjamin W.
He Was a Gift
John & Jude – Everyone you meet in life is someone you have no idea what effect they will have on you until you get to know them. And sometimes, people show up and blow you away. That was JL for me.
In high school, a lot was happening, and a lot went wrong for me. When I went to Social Studies with JL though, he made my day better. I can still clearly see the high school hallway during our breaks, and how I wanted to be around JL because he always made us laugh.
On weekends, when everyone went to parties, if I saw JL I felt safe – plain and simple. We talked and joked – there was never a negative part to being around him. I really loved the friendship I had with your son. I also really, really appreciate the respect he showed me as a friend. Although I wasn't a best friend to him, he did impact my life and I hope you know that, because that's due to you. JL was my friend, and I still think about him all the time.
He is happy where he is though – I know you know that – but just remember it when things get hard. I can't even imagine the pain you go through every day. He was a gift.
Brittney Kline
Grateful for the Perspective You've Given Me
John & Jude – I have thought about JL often over the course of these past 10 years. Honestly, I find myself thinking about him more now that he is gone. I think about how much I have grown and changed over the last decade and wonder what changes and season of life he would be in if he were still with us. It makes me smile to think of JL having a wife and a kid and observing him being in that role.
J.L. – I miss you and I am grateful for what you've given me. The perspective you've given me, the thoughts you've brought to the surface, the memories you are part of and the reminder of just how fortunate we all are to still be fighting the good fight.
Rich Jacome
I Wish He Was Here
Ten years ago, news of JL's death was unreal. I knew he was getting help for his addiction and had been clean for many months. Everything seemed like life was getting better for him. It did not seem real that he passed away. There was no tragic car accident, but a single slip of willpower. A moment of weakness, and poof! Like a vapor in the wind, he was gone.
I have many regrets with my end of our relationship. The biggest one was that I did not take the time to really get to know him as a teen and as a young adult. He was my kid-cousin, and I always assumed he'd be fine, just like myself. We were young, after all. I assumed he would have a long life and we'd have plenty of time to connect. But life is short. For him, much shorter.
His death opened my eyes to the extreme danger of self-medication and opiate addiction. I used to think of drug use as "bad decisions." Now I understand it's a lethal death sentence, especially now with even minor drugs laced with fentanyl. No one knows if "their pill" is the one pill that will end their life.
I wish he was here. I wish he knew how much he is loved. I wish he was not missing out on this beautiful world. I miss you JL.
Love, Cousin Justine
My Best Friend
Not a single day goes by that I don't think about my best friend and my brother JL he was easily the closest bond that I've ever had in life. I have so many fun stories of JL and I find myself telling stories of him and I on a weekly basis.
JL taught me how to embrace life – he really knew how to have fun and he knew how to express how he felt about things. I would argue that he lived more in his life than most people could ever dream to do.
His intelligent and mischievous thoughts resonate through all my life's great decisions. When I find myself talking to my own subconscious I don't see me. I see JL.
William Skylar Helfrich
No Other Friend Like You
Dear J.L. – I'll start this by saying the obvious which is you are dearly missed. I can't believe I haven't talked to you in almost 10 years. Some days it feels so long ago. Other days it feels like it was yesterday I was in culinary school, and we would talk at night and text. No matter where I was living you were my best friend. No judgment ever between us. Such a rare thing. We completely understood each other on every level. I had never had a friend I connected with on the level I did with you. I haven't since either.
Your funeral was so surreal to me. It still hurts so bad, so often. I think of you and the things we will never get to do. Losing you and my father so close together is a wound that will never heal, no matter the time passed. I wish you could see my life today and share it with me. I think of you often and still say to myself a lot of the phrases we always said to each other. The memories we made together will always live within me. I hope to see you again one day.
Love, Matt
A Significant Impact
I never knew John Leif, but his life had an impact on me that has been significant. I met Jude & John Trang through their friendship with my own parents, and I heard their story with addiction, which so closely mirrored what I had put my parents through with my own substance dependence. When I met the Trang's, I didn't know any other families like mine. John Leif and I had a lot in common. We had two parents who loved us, we had a nice home life, we had options and opportunities, we were the same age. And we did heroin anyway. John Leif lost his life, but I did not. Why?
The Trang's are deeply religious, spiritual people, whose beliefs guide them through life's joys and sorrows. I have witnessed the power of their faith as it illuminates the space around them wherever they go. As for me, the question of "why?" has no answer. Why him, and not me? Why should I be so lucky? Why couldn't he have been saved? Why should the Trang's be the ones with broken hearts, while I get to sing and dance with my parents today, almost 12 years since I used a syringe? Neither my belief system nor my experience of life has provided any kind of reason. It is part of the great mystery. To me, the question itself is where the lesson resides: be grateful. Appreciate life's beautiful moments and be present when life is challenging.
Through knowing the Trang's, I remind myself to feel ALL my feelings without trying to numb, distract, or turn to harmful habits. I am deeply connected to the Trang family because of our shared experiences. My life is enriched because of them, and I keep John Leif in my meditations.
Mattea Tampio
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