I was going to write a blog about Autism and grief because, as an Autistic Person, I know I grieve differently than most people around me.
Lyric, standing on top of one mountain, above two lakes, viewing the other mountains and coulds.
When I was first diagnosed Autistic (almost eight years ago now), I didn't know I was multiply neurodivergent.
Embracing my Autism diagnosis was just the beginning. I soon realized that there were other aspects of my experience that couldn't be explained by Autism alone. This realization ignited a continuous journey of self-discovery, filled with moments of clarity, understanding, and occasional confusion.
A few years into my Autism Discovery Journey, I started to realize I was NeuroDivergent in other ways.
I was diagnosed with ADHD and began to discover other NeuroDivergences I had.
After going through medical channels twice (with assessments for ADHD and Autism) and learning more about the dangers that come from having stigmatized conditions on your medical record, I decided not to submit myself to evaluations for my other differences.
We still live in a world where mental health conditions, especially those centered around trauma, are still heavily stigmatized. Victims are often still blamed for their reactions to traumatic events, long after surviving the events that traumatized them.
I thought it would be helpful to explain my personal experience of grief to shed light on what Autistic grief is like. Still, I don't know if I can actually explain how being Autistic impacts the way I experience grief because my brain is more than just Autistic.
There are multiple layers to my NeuroDivergence, a term that encompasses a range of neurological differences, including Autism and ADHD.
Some of my brain differences I speak about openly, and some I don't, and all of these layers interact and impact the way I experience grief.
When I submitted myself for an Autism assessment, I was in a bad (mental and physical health) space.
Back then, I didn't know myself, and though Autism made sense, it wasn't an idea I was willing to entertain without an outside opinion.
I felt as if I needed confirmation from a doctor because I was unwell and would need to make significant changes to my life in order to stabilize myself.
I wanted to ask my employer (and other people in my life) for accommodations because I knew I couldn't continue working (or living) if I didn't get them.
Unfortunately, my employer didn't feel the need to listen to me about my needs, even after receiving my formal paperwork. So, I still ended up leaving the job that almost killed me, a situation exacerbated by the lack of understanding and support for my NeuroDivergence.
Getting the stamp of "Autism" and "ADHD" on my record has done very little for me other than helping to eliminate my imposter syndrome and helping me to accept the truth about my own brain.
As an adult, there are little to no supports and services available to me other than access to a community of other NeuroDivergent People (through the NeuroDivergent Rebel Blog), a platform that has been an AMAZING resource, providing me with support, understanding, and a sense of community.
Lyric and Rocky, sitting outside under the trees together, as Lyric is on a Zoom call with another Autistic Person they met through their blog.
Getting to know myself has been the real gift my diagnosis has given me, but I don't currently feel I need the same reassurance to understand my own mind these days.
Years ago, earlier in my journey, I didn't know myself very well (because for most of my life, I'd been groomed to believe I was something I wasn't - Neuro-Average), causing lots of confusion and internal conflict around my sense of identity.
When I was first diagnosed Autistic, I didn't know who I was outside of who I was expected to be, but in the years since learning the truth, I've been stabilizing, healing, and learning about myself.
Medical confirmation won't help me much for the other things going on inside my mind, and I have nothing to gain by asking outside people to confirm what I already know.
What truly matters is that I'm getting to know myself better and embracing all aspects of my NeuroDivergence. This self-acceptance is a potent tool that can only enhance my quality of life.
Now that I know myself better, I no longer need an outside person to unravel the inner workings of my experience because, after a lifetime of tuning out, I am finally learning to tune in.
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Lyric Rivera, holding up a purple book with a pink brain on the cover (Workplace NeuroDiversity Rising) smiling from behind it.
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– Lyric Lark Rivera
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