Grammaw's 95th Birthday

By functionallymentall on July 7, 2024

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 7-7-2024

Two weeks ago, I flew back to Houston to Honor my grandmother (Gram) for her 95th Birthday. We must have talked at least 10 times this year leading up to the Bday celebration. Anytime I reminded her that I would be 'seeing her soon', she would say: "God Willing". And, then it happened! First, Gram did not want a party. She broke her shoulder last year and has not been feeling up for much lately. We understood. The family was attempting a restaurant get together the evening before her Birthday to catch up. Then the plan was to visit Gram at her house in spurts, on her actual birthday. Well, she may be 95, but she has not given up. She decided at the last minute of her Bday Eve, that she wanted to go to one of my cousin's houses to visit with the family. We all followed suit; ditched the restaurant reservation and met up at Cousin J's house in true Escalante fashion. Potluck style: with Gram, Uncle's, Aunt's, and too many cousins to count.

I lived with my Gram for five years; ages five to ten years old. She was the first stable Mother figure that I had. She was always kind, she did the right thing, always lived by morals and values. She also modeled healthy behaviors. She was always reading, writing, dancing, cleaning, moving etc etc. She raised six children and then raised my brother and I for five years. I think that grandparents that come out of retirement to help raise their grandkids are some of the most badass people on the planet. Through the years, I have always listened to her stories. Every time we talk, she repeats her stories. And even if I had heard the story hundreds of times, I will always listen to it as if it is the first time I have heard it. Today I want to discuss some of the more common themes that come up in conversations when we talk to Gram.

Her Husband (My Grandpa) Gram will always remind us that her mother always told her: "Don't get married, men are awful". My gram did not marry young, she was 25 when she married. And she was 26 when she had her first born. And 'back in her day', that was all a late start. What changed her mind and made her finally decide to marry? My Gram says that Grandpa was a 'funny, silly, goofball man, always making jokes'. She founds this to be less threatening than the traditional 'machismo Mexican men' that her mother described. They had six children; my father was baby # 2! 🙂 Unfortunately, it was not an easy ride; Gram often talks about Grandpa's gambling addiction. It seems to still be at the forefront of her mind; and Grandpa died 35-36 years ago; not long before I was born. I do wish I could have met him. It was a roller coaster love story from how she describes it. And she never did remarry after him.

Grams Brothers My Gram has an extensive trauma history, this Include's two of her brothers getting murdered. And the other brother she was closest to, getting deployed while in the Army, and reaching out to the family with depressing letters. Gram recalls being the only one of 6 girls (she had five sisters) to write him back. She was the one that was always there for him, and being the eldest girl, she was always playing third parent to her entire family. Well, her remaining and closest brother remembered this and gave the majority of his savings to her in his will.

Grams 'Greedy' sisters Unfortunately following my Great Uncle's will, several of my Gram's sisters took her through a long term, difficult, chaotic, expensive legal battle. To this day, her sister's hold a grudge on her due to not getting more of their brother's savings. Its unfortunate now families can become so divided over money and inheritance. Deep resentment broke the blood bonds and family ties that they shared.

Her Parents and PTSD It was only 5 years ago when my Gram shared the traumatic story of how she lost her own father; due to suicide. She more recently shared her experiences with hearing the domestic violence between her Dad and Mom. And her Mom? 'Never hugged her or showed her affection' but showed her kid's affection. Gram followed suit. She was not super affectionate to her own kids, but very affectionate to her Grandkid's; Me for example. Everything collectively added to her PTSD. It collectively built up to the point my Gram ended up suffering from Agoraphobia; a deep fear of leaving home. Gram does not like going out to places besides the grocery store. Even something as simple as me going to a gas station will make her nervous, and she will proceed to tell me about the latest news she read of someone 'getting murdered at a gas station'.

The Comparisons Gram is 95 years old, she has so many stories to tell. Another theme I have noticed, is that since she has lost soooooo many people (I can't even imagine her grief! 😦 ) she has to find some way to keep it interesting. Gram likes to point out comparisons to help herself feel more positive. Such as identifying people that are younger than her that 'look older'. People that are younger than her but need more 'walking aids' or 'medical attention' than she does. People that have died at a 'younger age than her'. And she loves to recall how 'skinny her waist was' even after so many kids. She loves when we browse her photo albums and look at her curvaceous figure and impeccable fashion sense through the decades! 🙂 (See picture 4 & 5 below for a couple of awesome examples!)

She 'Doesn't have Sex, she has a Caregiver!" My Gram's live in boyfriend... I mean... caregiver Ricardo. They actually met when I was 9 years old and still living with my Gram. I have wonderful memories hanging out with both of them (even catching Ricardo go in for a kiss at the park when they thought I wasn't looking). Anyways, he moved in with her in 2000 right after my Brother and I left to CA to live with my Dad again. But, they 'never shared rooms'. And, whenever I asked how Ricardo was doing, my Gram always blurted out "We don't have sex! He has his room, and I have mine". But now a days, she is describing Ricardo as her live in 'Caregiver'. Yes Yes, Gram, your Boyfriend/ Caregiver! 😉