Q: Hello, sir. Were you ever frightened of being taken for granted/exploited while expressing your total love to your wife at any time during the early days or now? I ask because, sincerely sir, I have been having little fights with my thoughts. …
Q: Hello, sir. Were you ever frightened of being taken for granted/exploited while expressing your total love to your wife at any time during the early days or now?
I ask because, sincerely sir, I have been having little fights with my thoughts. Mostly likely ideas introduced by society. Although I have never given in at any point or withdrawn my act of love in whatever way, but I'm sure I'll learn so much talking it out with you, sir, just to totally silence such thoughts
A: This is a complex question. It might take a lengthy write up to respond reasonably. Let's go.
I would have said, "As an African man ..." but I have learned that this concern is not unique to African men. No man anywhere appreciates being disrespected, overlooked, or taken for granted. Even if they don't do anything about it, they still resent it through and through. But if you consider it properly, it is the same for women. Although people generally refer to it as "men and their ego," women have their ego too. Ego refers to a sense of self, and that is not something limited only to men. Women have their ego, they may simply express their sense of self in a way that is typical of women and very different from that of men.
You have only just started on this journey, So these questions and feelings that you are currently having or trying to sort through a quite understandable and expected. So much so that it is predictable that young couples will go through this phase of the relationship as they try to integrate their previously two separate lives into one.
There is a book by an author I have valued over the years although I have not read this particular book. The title is 'The first years of forever.' The author, Ed Wheats, highlights the common struggles and questions, doubts and second guessings that young couples have to navigate, and confront, in the first few years of their marriage, in order to solidify the marriage relationship. It also mentions that if this first phase of the marriage is not well handled, most divorces occur within this period, and if they don't divorce, the relationship is significantly impacted by the fallout of the experiences during this time.
And again, this is to be expected because you two are coming together for the first time to build one entity, one life, and one home. You will both be marking territories, setting boundaries, testing each other's limits, sometimes deliberately but hopefully mostly unconsciously.
I did a series on my blog a while back some time ago titled 'Dead grooms make great brides.' One of the things I point out is that we are sometimes too alive to ourselves that it becomes too difficult for us to live and love sacrificially.
To be continued
Daniel Oyanna is a conference speaker on relationships, health, faith and other subjects and a Pastor and teacher blessed by God with a grace to make things easy to understand. He is the author of the book To Date or Not to Date, Instructions in Submission, Crushing the Crushers, several mini-books most of which are free. He started UnLimited to help people reach their God-given goals by walking with them to their finish line. He is reachable at pd_lionunlimited@yahoo.com
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