Despite me attributing the destruction of our marriage to STBXW's infidelities and failure to communicate her "disdain" for me to me.....She tells everyone that we 'separated' because "We Grew Apart."
Now, whenever I hear a woman say that, I assume that she probably either cheated or left a guy for no good reason. I saw a video this morning where some random guy online gives advice and he said that he keeps getting stories like mine sent to him in his email.
In this particular one, the subject wrote in and said that his wife left because she felt that she 'outgrew' him. Based on his testimony, he wasn't cheating, he wasn't abusive, he provided, and had gone through ups and downs over the past 12 years of their marriage. Despite that, she felt "unhappy" and decided to leave.
He was asking what could be done to save the marriage. The advice guy pretty much said the same thing that I was thinking: That she probably already had someone else, she probably checked out years ago, and the best thing to do at this point would be to get a non-contested divorce while the offer was still on the table.
The advice guy said that he is noticing a trend and that he gets tons of letters similar to that one. This sparked an interesting conversation in the comments.
It seems that I'm not alone in thinking that "she's never yours, it's just your turn." Many guys don't want the headache of a relationship because it seems that the way that women love is different. One guy in the comments proposed that most women don't love you, but are in a state of temporary limerence. This is a condition similar to infatuation where their emotions take completely over. It's not really love in the sense of a selfless giving type of love......but a perversion of it where you (the object of their limerence) is simply an object that makes them feel good emotionally. It's selfish in that it is actually self serving. It can also be deceptive because it gives the appearance that she's willing to be like a real partner through ups and downs and thick and thin. She is, but only provided that you give her those feelings. Once those feelings dissipate, then you (as a person) are worthless to her. The relationship no longer "serves" her. In fact, resentment may grow because she now feels that you are impeding on her 'happiness' or ability to go out and seek it. This is a shaky foundation to have as a base for a marriage.
Why do they feel that they 'need' their husbands or anyone for that matter to "fulfill them" in the first place? Isn't your happiness your responsibility? How is it fair to put something like that onto someone else? Why does it seem that searching for 'happiness' require for her start riding different penises? How does duty, responsibility, keeping your word/ promises/ vows/ etc. come second to finding "personal happiness" ? What is happiness but a temporary emotion? Who told them that "happiness" was a guarantee in life anyway?
I personally think that it's a cop out and if there are no instances of abuse or infidelity or extreme circumstances, then it does make her a terrible person to destroy everyone else's lives in order to search out some vague sense of a fleeting feeling. It seems that their idea of happiness is really just having a limerent and lustful attraction to a guy. The capricious and serendipitous manner by which these types of women disrupt everyone's lives (and fully justify it in their minds) doesn't make them "brave", but it makes them selfish in my eyes. The mental gymnastics required for this to make sense deserves a gold medal.
I mean if everyone used the justification of "by any means" in order to achieve their goal of 'happiness', then any and all sins are justified. The rapist, child molestor, thief, murderer, or adulterer are all justified since their actions are simply a means to the end of their search for happiness. That mentality is not just a selfish one, but indeed makes one a terrible human being. Yet this is promoted by a large number of women and it's really perverted how they can compare this to a noble characteristic such as "bravery". There is nothing wrong with having 'emotions', but to act on them in a way that harms others (especially those who trust, need, and depend on you) is a selfish and immature way of looking at life.
Again, because this is so prevalent in so many female spaces, it's really no wonder why men no longer want to get married and dedicate their lives to such a person.
On the flip side, for me anyway, I don't need that intense passionate feeling of limerent attraction to love someone, respect them, and "do what's right" by them. I saw a real friendship with my ex's despite not necessarily thinking that they were the "best" out there amongst 4 billion other women on the planet. In fact, it seems that if I believed she was MY "10", then that was enough. She was beautiful because I chose to feel that way about her. I found the beauty in her and appreciated it. Not necessarily because she had stunning looks. I loved, but wasn't "in love" with most of them.
However, tt seems that their love is only based on the emotions of lust/attraction/entertainment that YOU can provide for them at the time. We love in principle (steady, fixed, solid), they love based on their emotions(fleeting, easily changed, flimsy). This puts us at a huge disadvantage in this 'love' game if you don't know how most operate. How ironic is it that they are usually the ones who push for commitment?
Commitment isn't only showing up to the gym on the days you feel like it. It isn't bitching and moaning and complaining "woe is me" because things aren't going my way right now. It isn't quitting mid season because we lost a few our last games as a team.
The advice guy says that he's also gone through that a few times. Before getting put on 'game' about how this all works, he says that he used to wonder why whenever he'd get into a long term relationship, women would often change, become unhappy and either leave or cheat. (Sounds very familiar to my experiences). They'd do this despite (according to him), there was nothing terribly wrong with the relationship.
His theory is that you have to keep a woman entertained to prevent this from happening. It becomes your JOB to make sure that she doesn't get bored. This can be a daunting task because....'unless you're a talented "court jester", then her majesty will send you to the dungeon and find a new jester'. .... "Are you not entertained?"...... "No I'm not, now off with your head."
Seriously, who wants to be responsible for someone else's emotions anyway?
After running on this hamster wheel a few times and being basically dumped like some old garbage each time, I'm at the point where I'm not putting on the jiggly belled clown hat. I believe that while she is "in love" with you, then she'll automatically imagine that you're wearing it. I've noticed how women who really liked me really crack up at my jokes even if don't think they're that funny. They have projected positive things onto me that I don't necessarily believe to be true. In fact, some wise fool somewhere once said that you don't have to lie to women, they lie to themselves.
This can be a double edged sword cutting for or against you if you're not careful.
Misery loves company so I guess that hearing this stuff makes me feel that at least it's not just me.
Still though, I think that stuff like this stays on my mind because of the radical shift of opinion I've had about women in general. While I still respect them as people, I'm no longer think of them as innocent victims just waiting a fair shot at love. In fact, despite this being a controversial and illogical conclusion, I do believe that most modern women get bored with good men. They say that they want a good man, until they have one for a few years.
Modern times call for modern solutions and i think the best way is defaulting to the position that modern love is just a temporary thing. I honestly don't think that most can really love you for real. They can be infatuated or in temporary limerence. In theory, you could possibly extend it by trauma bonding with them..... doing something really fucked up to them and then apologizing while they are still in the infatuation phase. But who wants to do all of that? Especially if it's not in your character as a person to do such things.
I think the best way to win at modern love is to not fall into it. Remember that she's never yours, it's just your turn. Always be willing to walk away. And put less emphasis on what women say, but place more focus on what they actually do.
No comments:
Post a Comment