If you are reading this, you're either trying to navigate the confusing world of dating, or there is a certain someone who is sparking your interest. If it is the former, stick with me until the end. It might be the best thing you've done for yourself recently. If it is the latter, then this someone could potentially become closely entangled in your life - which should give you pause for thought. However, they are, right now, still largely a stranger. Even if you have been talking with them for weeks or months, you have still only had access to limited aspects of their personality - and when you read the paragraph below, as explained by the American Psychological Association, you'll understand why this matters so much:
Personality refers to the enduring characteristics and behavior that comprise a person's unique adjustment to life, including major traits, interests, drives, values, self-concept, abilities, and emotional patterns. Various theories explain the structure and development of personality in different ways, but all agree that personality helps determine behavior.
Going back to my initial statement, that your love interest could potentially become highly involved in your life: that could be a good thing… or a very, very bad thing. Ask anyone who has witnessed their initially wonderful new partner morph into something else entirely, once the honeymoon period (which can last for days, weeks, or months) is over. Ask anyone who has ever cried "They were great at first… but then they changed." You don't want to wake up one day, as miserable as sin, trapped in a relationship with Mr or Ms completely wrong, and either not know how to end it - or, to realise that they are perfectly happy keeping you in that unhappy position. The good news is, you don't have to experience that nightmare. You can be smart and keep yourself in a safe and empowered place, by not giving your desire, emotions, and hormones free rein. Because, believe me, they'll all be chomping at the bit.
Here's a question for you. When making a major purchase, do you grab the first shiny thing that comes along? Do you throw your hard-earned cash at it and install it in your life? When seeking a new work position, do you mindlessly take whatever becomes available or is offered, without research or forethought? When looking for a roommate, do you accept the first person to apply, without knowing an awful lot more about them? If your answer is yes, then I probably can't help you - unless you're keen to change your approach. If your answer is no, then presumably you'd adopt the same mindset in your quest to align yourself with a compatible romantic relationship that has long-term potential. And if not - why not?
But why is all of this so important? Apart from the obvious? Well, because the dating arena is currently in a state of major disrepair - which is fact, not opinion. Yes, people are still finding love and committing to the development of a joint future… but many others (more than ever before) are seriously struggling. Statistics reveal that singledom has been on the increase over the past 10 years, and particularly since the pandemic. But I don't need statistics to tell me what I know to be true, from professional experience. I have even had to finally refuse to accept the questions "When will I find commitment?" and "What can you tell me about my future husband?", because they were beginning to absolutely dominate my work. And often, those who had already asked such questions would return again and again - making the same enquiry. Impatience, frustration, and desperation eventually start to seep through - though, naturally, no one ever wants to admit that they are feeling that way. But it is complicated. There are many, many reasons why people remain single long-term when they don't want to be. Sometimes they simply haven't yet aligned with a compatible significant other and it's just a matter of time. Sometimes, though, something they are persistently being or doing is just not working, and for very real reasons. The problem could lie in their attitude, approach, or expectation. It could be that they unconsciously continue to choose the same, unsuitable type as a romantic interest. They might be so programmed to accept poor treatment or rejection that, again, unconsciously, they attract, and are attracted to, those who will never be a mature, responsible, loving partner. But they often won't see that, of course, because it feels overwhelming. Or, because they prefer to view romantic relationships through stubbornly idealistic eyes, regardless of any insight, guidance, or advice they ask for and receive. Not everything is as it immediately appears, and not everything is exactly as described or explained… at least, where matters of the heart are concerned.
So, the smart seeker of a compatible, loving partner will accept, even grudgingly, that the dating arena is in crisis. They won't pretend otherwise. It is what it is. However, they can also believe that it isn't dead and buried, and that hope is entirely reasonable. But I'm talking about the smart seeker, here - the resilient and the patient seeker. Because those qualities are probably going to be called upon.
The fact is, physical attraction isn't enough. It's important, obviously - but that's only the honey trap that initially pulls people toward each other. It's the very first step. How many good-looking, sexy people turn out to be real pains in the ass? Or seriously lacking in the personality department? Or just plain self-absorbed? How many smooth talkers turn out to be shamelessly insincere? Not all of them, of course - but too many hopefuls have had to face cold, hard, disappointing realisations about the object of their desire.
The magic answer (and I've been banging on about this for years) is… not blindly and prematurely throwing yourself in. Not becoming emotionally invested before you've had the time and opportunity to see the human being behind the love interest facade. Because, until you know better, it will serve your purpose to view it that way. By adopting this approach, you'll be investing in your future self - the one who could end up feeling utterly rejected, or in a relationship that becomes a head-f**k. Of course, there is no way of not feeling any degree of hurt if your love interest suddenly starts to blow hot and cold, ghosts you, or inadvertently sets the red flags waving. Even if you don't go all in, if you have been in regular contact you'll have developed some degree of affection for them. You'll have become accustomed to their text messages, phone or video calls. They'll have become a part of your day, and probably night, too. Can you imagine, then, how bad you'd feel if you'd fallen hook, line, and sinker? If you'd allowed this person to become the centre of your universe, finding them increasingly in your thoughts? What you might not recognise, under these circumstances, is that the person you invested so much in, the loss of whom you are now grieving, was not that person - because you didn't really know the human being behind the projection. You had glimpses, you had a few of the pieces - but not the whole jigsaw. It can still really hurt to have to let go of something that has become a hopeful and familiar part of your life - but you'll recover more quickly if you aren't in way too deep.
So, what is it that you really need to be open to recognising, where a promising love interest is concerned?
Firstly, you need to develop a sense of their true, actual intentions. And this can take time to figure out. Women are susceptible to compliments and attention. It is the way we are wired. Even when we pride ourselves on being savvy and independent, it can still get to us - especially if we've been emotionally thirsting for it, due to past experience. We can feel like a dry plant that is finally being watered. Men, even more so than women, communicate their intentions through their actions, rather than their words. If his actions start not to match his words, over time, pay serious attention. My research has led me to conclude that a lot of men on dating sites, who would be considered attractive to most women, are not actually looking for love. Some are, but many are not. Maybe they started off hoping to find the love of their life - maybe they didn't. They seem to enjoy the initial buzz, the chat, the flirting - but they soon wander off. I have also noticed how jaded people are, on dating sites. It is becoming a half-hearted, half-assed activity, with an initial rush of interest in a new profile… before it quickly dies down. Something else, which I feel is highly alarming, is that a lot of men don't seem to be interested in actual conversation. Maybe it is a lost art. They talk a lot about themselves, showing little interest in their match. I have even heard of men ceasing communication with a woman when she teasingly enquires if there is anything he'd like to ask about her? And this is why I say that it appears that a lot of people who frequent dating sites are not looking for an actual grown-up relationship. Which is a real nuisance and a shame for those who are. Whether you've encountered your love interest on a dating site, through work, friends, or socially, you'll need to be alert to their developing intentions. If all they want is a distraction, someone to talk to for a while, someone to boost their ego, and you are hoping to find a relationship with long-term potential, this is a major mismatch. On the other hand, it could be that they start out being genuinely interested in you but find, over time, that they've changed their mind (and vice versa, of course) - but even then, their intentions need to become clear to you.
But, what if it all appears to be going swingingly and you quickly enter into a relationship with your love interest? You both jump in, head first, and talk of the future abounds. You might even believe that this time you've found 'the one'. And you might be right. It would be fantastic if you were. However, without having given yourself the time and opportunity to experience them when they're operating from their 'normal' default setting, you put yourself at risk of the following (bearing in mind that mental health problems are increasing exponentially):
Finding yourself with a partner who:
Has been masking serious mental health issues - and, as a result, you're expected to become either their emotional punchbag or their carer.
Is controlling and critical.
Has little motivation or ambition and feels challenged by your personal growth.
Is awash with bitterness and resentment toward the past and life's unfairness.
Ceases to communicate in the way they did when you first met - just can't be bothered anymore.
Is an intellectual mismatch.
Has a habit or addiction they completely kept under wraps - until now.
All of the above are examples from real life… and there are likely to be many more that I haven't mentioned. Obviously, even after having been in a relationship for years, we can still suddenly be faced with an aspect of our partner we hadn't previously been aware of. However, here, my intention is to help you to keep yourself on the safe and empowered side of dating… whilst you're still in a position to do so. You don't need to approach potential love with suspicion, fear, mistrust, or defensiveness. Indeed, if you take my suggestions and advice on board, you won't need to - because you'll be in control of yourself and the situation, as in how it can potentially affect you. You can't protect yourself completely and you shouldn't waste energy and time attempting to do so. But you can certainly engage in damage limitation, as you gradually move nearer toward the person who will become a promising part of your future!
I have written other articles on the subject of dating and relationships, which you'll find on my website - go ahead and check them out.
No comments:
Post a Comment