I'm starting to think that women actually like for their men to be foolish, naive, or 'green'. I think that they like the idea of having power over someone who might be physically stronger than them (possibly alpha) amongst men, but is like putty in her hands.
She won't respect him necessarily, nor be attracted to him in the long term, but he'll act as sort of a backup plan in case the object of her lust doesn't act right. He'll provide the financial and possibly emotional support as a safety net. He kind of has to be a bit spineless when it comes to her. He should be afraid of losing her, no matter how difficult, bitchy, or problematic she becomes.
They want a simp. He needs to be on the hamster wheel of constantly trying to impress her. It should be his life mission. I think that as young men, society somewhat conditions us to sort of be this way. Many if not most of us has at one time been completely under the 'spell' of a woman. We call it "being in love." We develop one-i-tis.....Meaning that we only have eyes for her and we're willing to sacrifice it all for her.
This typically does not bode well for most of us. She either does not want it from"him" specifically or she's sort of gets turned off because there is no challenge. He's willing to do anything to be with her no matter what and that gives her a sort of power that she abuses. On top of that, if she is fairly attractive and can get a few guys to feel "like that", then she believes that she can get almost any man that she wants to feel that way. Vanity.
Unfortunately for many of them, they often mistake a man's sexual interest with another's willingness to "die on her hill"..... for her. The downside of vanity.
I think that after a heartbreak or two, many of us realize the perilous position that 'falling in love' actually puts us in. Most guys I've spoken to on the matter...... Who have had serious long term relationships anyway tell me that every time they try to "do right" (meaning "fell in love") with a woman, she ends up doing him wrong.
The emotional fallout is way too much and I for one am terrified at the proposition of actually "falling in love" again. I want one who I like for sure, but I can't see myself ever wanting to be in a position of possibly getting hurt like that again. I can't see myself feeling like "I need her" or being emotionally dependent on her "happiness" out of fear of her leaving me someday. This basically means that getting married for the sake of "love" isn't really something that I would be interested in. In fact, I think the ONLY reason I'd even propose for a relationship is to appease her. Still though, it would sort of fall under the category of acting out of the fear of "losing" her, so she'd either have to be REALLY special before I consented to that or I'd have to have succumb to my greatest fear of being in love.
Many women would dismiss this being as being fearful and afraid. Some told me that it's unfair to make future women pay for the sins of STBXW. They say that I'm acting out of hurt and might miss out on a good one someday if I keep this mentality. Many say that I do this so that I can keep my "options open".
All of those seem like reasonable theories, but in reality, the truth that I don't tell them is that most are not really wifey/girlfriend material for me. I don't trust them with my heart like that. The basic truth of her being just my turn (and not mine) has proven true too many times for me to ignore. As if she would stay with me if she changed her mind simply because she gave her word. From my experience, they don't give a fuck about you once you don't make them feel the same way anymore. IF someone else comes along who they 'fancy' more, then all those promises, soul mate talk, best friend conversations, and expressions of how much they love you go completely out of the window.
While I do believe them when they tell me that they love me, I think that our definition of what love is differs greatly. I mean, love is sometimes sacrificial. It's more about actions and staying on your square than it is about how you feel. I think that love comes easy in the beginning, but that isn't actually real love. It's just a form of infatuation. Under this influence, they will say (and probably mean) everything that they say at the time. But once the rose colored glasses come off, they get used to you, possibly take things you do for granted, then they feel that they have no use for you anymore. You're discarded like an old sticky note. Your feelings, investment, history, and time together become meaningless. And they feel no obligation to you whatsoever. Not even enough to try and rekindle the final embers left in the relationship.
This is a fair assessment because many, many women have told me that they will check out of a relationship before they actually break up. There are many men out there right now still simping and fearing losing their women, not realizing that she's already gone mentally. And once that happens, there is very seldom anything you can do about it.
At worst, she'll cheat and monkey branch to the next man. She may just break up with you, but because you're still stuck on 'stupid', you will be trying to win her back. At best, she'll stay but resent you for still being "in love" with her. This is how dead bedrooms happen and how couples stay together, but one is just waiting for the first opportunity to get out of the relationship.
I guess it's safe to conclude that I don't really believe in 'love' like that anymore. Or rather, I don't believe that a woman could love me in the same way that I could love her. The emotions or intense feelings of "being in love" don't really matter that much to me. People "fall in love" all the time only to end up hating each other in a few years. It also seems that many women have a "kill switch" in their brains where they can wake up some day and just not love you anymore. I've heard of men saying that they have it too, but so far, it's never happened to me.
Then again, I don't really love in love easily. I like easily. I also 'love' pretty easily. But the deep head over heels feeling has only happened once. Yeah, it blew up in my face, but it made me realize that I really don't want to take the risk. I wasn't "in love" like that in any of my other relationships, but it made me realize that I don't really need it.....and to be honest, it didn't kill my sexual attraction towards them. I still appreciated our 'friendship', the intimacy, and sex. It still made me happy to make them happy, I just didn't feel the pressure to do so.
The only difference was that it made it a shit ton easier to walk away when things started going bad. Usually due to some deal breaking disrespect (ie cheating) or she just left because I wasn't interested in taking things to the next level (ie "I need to grow up"). I considered those relationships meaningful despite not having that "in love" feeling. I was honest and treated them with respect. I actually preferred those because I didn't have the incessant need to try and keep them impressed and happy. I don't know why, but there was always this niggling thought in the back of my head that I wanted to keep stbxw happy no matter what it took. I was afraid of losing her.
Her first AP and I once had a conversation over the phone (stupid me I know). He jokingly told me that my problem was that I felt like she was the best thing that ever happened to me. I smugly responded with "of course, why else would I make her my wife." At the time, I felt that I won that exchange, but now, a few years later, I am thinking that he was telling me that you just can't love the hoes like that.
As counter-intuitive as it sounds, he may have been right. Again, making stupid decisions, I used to snoop through her phone and found it strange that he'd talk to her in ways that I had never imagined. In between the 'lovey dovey' and erotic texts (which i also did when we first got together), he also quite often said some fucked up things to her. I never called her a bitch (at the time) and it never would have crossed my mind to, no matter how annoyed i got. Yet there it was, him calling her a bitch. He made promises he didn't deliver on. Made her buy a hotel room once, but didn't show up, nor call until a few days later. He gaslit the shit out of her and she ended up apologizing for things she really shouldn't have. This guy lived with his baby's mother and she'd sneak and either drop him off or park up the street so that she could pick him up.
I don't know what he said to her to 'come back' from those things, but it's obvious that he didn't seem afraid of losing her. At all. Despite those fucked up things he said and sometimes did, she was willing to say "fuck my feelings" and even leave our kid for months on end.....pretending that she was make more money, but in actuality it was to be close to him. The money wasn't adding up and the math wasn't mathing.
It's not my intention to throw her specifically under the bus for that, but all that to say that it doesn't really matter how well or bad you treat her, if she's into you, then she's into you. I have had to question a few times why some of the women I've dealt with since then still fuck with me so heavy. It's not uncommon for me to wait a few days to reply to texts. I never take them out. We talk from time to time, but I'm not looking to impress. I forget important dates. We'll sometimes make plans and a lot of times and I'll give some excuse or reason why I can't make it.
They even tell me that I'm not being a good "friend." I mean I know that sooner or later, they'll get tired of my shit, but the point is that 1)i don't really care and 2)this could be why they keep doing this shit.
If STBXW's 'boyfriends' , even the latest one are able to pretty much have her out here looking stupid, despite doing the least and having other relationships, then this just tells me that either a woman fucks with you or she doesn't. I don't think those guys look better than me. They are in the same tax bracket. They don't seem too funny or have amazing personalities from what I've seen. I mean unless they're packing some tree trunks down there, then I can't see anything that they are doing different. With the exception of not being "under her spell" aka being "in love."
I don't think that they are too bright intellectually just based on some of the texts I read. I'd expect them to be texting some pimp tight "game" or something where I'd be like, damn, I could use that line myself. Instead I often found myself scratching my head like "what the fuck" or "she went for that?"
Either they're more equally 'yoked' to her intellectually OR again, there's just something about them that she liked. She had never been the sharpest knife in the drawer. I think I'm way smarter and intelligent than her. I think that I underestimated her moral fibre and character. This was a downfall because despite not thinking that she was the brightest in the room, I never anticipated it bleeding over into her character (as a person).
The fact that they are willing to cheat with her (despite also being in relationships themselves) and knowing her status as my wife and our child's mother lets me know that they aren't of the best moral character themselves. I'd go further to say that they operate from a sense of lack of abundance. I mean if they really had 'game' for real, then you would think that they'd easily be able to find single women and wouldn't have fucked with her for so long. They would have been on some, yeah, I'll take you for the weekend or possibly a few, but you need to go home to your husband type thing.
So here u have an immoral, treacherous woman dealing with cheating men. As if the thought never crossed her mind that if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. There is no sympathy or regard for the other women in this situation. She doesn't seem to consider that there could be negative karma for her doing this to me or to those women. Just as it seems that they never considered how fucked up it is that she did her husband that way or left her kid behind to be close to them. Maybe in a way, they do deserve each other and all the bullshit that is likely to come with it.
I'm sure that she wanted me to be naive and to let her get away with this bullshit. Or perhaps she did want someone as equally fucked up as her to equally share the blame for the toxicity of the relationship. Maybe if I had cheated first or hadn't treated her like I truly loved her, then maybe she wouldn't have expected so much out of me.
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