Today's video and post were sent from Katie: Why do I keep Attracting Men Who Cheat on me?
Dear Sybersue,
I am a 25-year-old woman who is having a difficult time trying to find a sincere and loving boyfriend who wants to be with me in a committed relationship. I don't have a problem meeting men, but I do have a problem with them stepping out of our partnership and cheating with other women. Not only that, but I seem to be attracting the same type of guys that all say and do similar things. Their actions and words are good in the first month, and then shortly after that time frame, they become less interested and I find myself dealing with another cheating scenario once again.
It is starting to take a big toll on my self-esteem because I never seem to be enough for the men I begin a relationship with. They always end up sleeping with other women while we're together. The sexual intimacy in my relationships is always wonderful, so why do they need to be with someone else when we have a great connection in the bedroom? Every time it happens, it makes me feel worthless and disrespected.
My friends tell me I am attracted to a certain non-committal type, and that I am too good-natured and easygoing to a fault. They also think that I sleep with men too quickly! I don't like confrontation for the most part, but I do try to pay attention to the red flags in the early stages when dating someone new.
Infidelity seems to become even more of a problem after the first two months. This tends to happen right when I am starting to feel more stable within the relationship. They seem invested and attentive when we get together, although as I am writing this down now, I realize that I don't see the men a lot in the first month of meeting them. I guess I trust them too quickly, which I am assuming is part of the problem.
Any suggestions on what I can do moving forward to alter this repetitious relationship scenario would be greatly appreciated. I am taking some time away from dating, as I hope to gain a better perspective, so I can remove this problem I keep having. Please let me know what you think, Sybersue.
Thank you so much for your time, I really appreciate it, Katie.
Dear Katie,
Hi Katie, I will get right into it and answer your questions. I first noticed that you say you have no problems meeting men. While this is a good thing for the most part, I have to agree with your friends who say you have a similar type of man that you're attracted to. You are in charge of who you are attracting toward you, so that is the first thing to take note of.
Whenever you have a similar outcome that causes another breakup, it is important to step back and analyze what transpired. There is a definite pattern going on with all these cheating scenarios you've had to deal with, and it seems to be "your attraction to unavailable men" that is the common denominator.
There is a difference between not liking confrontation, and standing up for yourself within a partnership.
The fact that you're good-natured, and you don't question many things at the beginning of a new relationship, often becomes a bigger issue down the road. Katie, it is very important to have respectful boundaries and some expectations about how you are treated.
You mentioned that you don't see them often in the beginning, and I am wondering if they think you are okay with having a casual relationship. If it isn't discussed early on, men will continue to see other women at the same time while they are seeing you. They may not look at this as cheating. I'm certainly not condoning this, but it is important to know where you stand early on. This open-style dating is quite common with both sexes today. Until you have the "exclusive conversation," it may become less of a permanent scenario than you are hoping for.
You have every right to know what his intentions are, so don't be afraid to talk about this! If they walk away, so be it. At least then you will know you weren't on the same page before you became too invested with them.
I can assure you there are some red flags early on that you may be subconsciously ignoring.
If every relationship you have, is ending similarly, there will be some behaviours that start to show up pretty quickly. At this stage in any new connection, you need to be aware of their actions early on. Don't let things slide. Ask them what they are looking for with you. It is important to know whether you are a casual fling/girlfriend, or are they interested in having a committed partnership. Listen closely to how they answer you and please hear what they are saying. This is the time to be honest with yourself.
You stated that you have discovered their cheating via texts and hearing them talking to other women on the phone, which is very hurtful, to say the least. They probably have been building up a rapport with other women, while also being in a casual relationship with you. I think the question to ask yourself, is, were you choosing to ignore these signs from the very beginning? If you were not seeing them often, this is usually a red flag that they are seeing other people.
In the future, take your time before sleeping with someone until you know them better.
Your friends made a very good point here. They have seen a connection with your past relationship patterns when you sleep with someone too quickly. Many women become very emotionally connected when they are intimate with a man. This can cloud your judgment, so you may not see things as they really are. You don't know them yet, so be clear about what you are both looking for before you jump into bed with them.
Moving forward, pay close attention to any red flags in the early stage of a new partnership.
- Are they claiming to be busy and spending limited time communicating with you?
- Is there a lot of space between planned dates?
- Do they spend a lot of time checking their phone in your presence?
- Do you feel them pulling back from you or often acting disinterested?
- Be mindful of their body language. This can show signs that the connection between the two of you is not as intense as you would like it to be.
- Does the intimacy between you feel more like a booty call than sensual lovemaking?
- If you met online, have they taken themselves off the dating site or are they still showing as active?
I am happy to hear that you have decided to take some time away from dating. I suggest that you take 6 months or more, from being in any relationship, to clear your head from everything that has transpired over the years. There are many reasons why you could be attracted to non-committal men, and that is something that you have to delve into and figure out for yourself, or with some professional guidance.
You may choose emotionally unavailable partners due to having a fear of commitment, without even being aware of this.
If you ever had a bad breakup from a past long-term relationship, it can be lingering in your thoughts, and sabotaging your happiness. It is always a great idea when you are repeating unhealthy patterns, to talk to someone professionally because they can help you get to the root of the problem. There may be something that you're subconsciously internalizing that is the reason you repeatedly choose the same type of men.
Your self-esteem has been crushed dealing with all of these past cheating scenarios, but the good thing is you understand that there is a pattern. You are definitely on your way to altering the choices you make, which is half the battle to changing your life. Take time to forgive yourself for those choices because you deserve to be in a loving partnership just as much as anyone else.
Finding your life partner is a process, but when you own and comprehend that you are responsible with who you allow in our life, you will then begin to see things much clearer. You then start to understand what works and what doesn't work!
When you're ready to go back out dating again, change up the type of man you would normally be attracted toward.
If you're dating online, ask a friend's advice to help guide you in the right direction. They've seen your pattern, so they know what doesn't work for you, and they can point out any habits you may still be implementing. The good thing, Katie, is that you know there's a repetitious problem and that you are ready to change it. That is a big step in the right direction!
You may be surprised how clear your mindset will be now that you have made that decision. You'll be able to see those red flags a lot faster when you're out dating. Not only that, but you will also be able to see the green flags because you know what to look for and what is important to you now.
Life lessons can be very difficult to overcome, but once you know, the reason why they are happening, it is so much easier to move on from allowing those situations back into your life. Thank you so much for writing, Katie, and please keep me posted on what transpires moving forward.
Sybersue xo ❤️
*Please watch the video below to hear more about Katie's question
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