Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 04-14-2024
"There was something more important than us, that needed to be the driving force of every action we took. Honor, courage, commitment, integrity, service before self, excellence and more. We have beautiful core values, but do not let them be the death of your journey after service. Do not let the death of those core values be the death of you. We have to lose everything, even the most 'cherished' parts of us." -EaE
Due to multiple failed, melodramatic break ups in my adult life, I found myself reflecting more on.... everything. This includes the values I was raised with, and whether or not the men I dated shared those values with me. It's also equally important to reflect on whether or not my friends shared my values. Why is this important? I believe that when we are raised with core values, we are raised with more 'rules' and 'laws' that we live and breath; incorporating more into our daily lives. It leads to focus and discipline and the intention of 'not doing harm' on others. Values exercise our moral compass. When we exercise something, it grows stronger. If we do not exercise the values, the muscle stays weak.
The first 3 values I want to go over are the values I was raised with due to having a Marine military father. He was one of my primary influences over the years, whether he was near or far. He stayed consistent enough in my life to have an enormous influence.
Honor: Honor, from my perspective, meant behaving in a moral way, and being as honest as possible. It means that whatever is happening, we behave in a way that will not embarrass ourselves or those around us. I also think of courage, when I think of honor. Bravery. I wanted to honor my Dad's legacy in a way, as he had an enormous influence on me enlisting in the military.
Courage: Speaking of courage, courage meant doing the things that I was most afraid of. I was already an anxious and traumatized child with major depression, but I wanted to push through and do things I was afraid of. Courage means fighting even when things are scary. It fosters discipline. It takes courage to continue your discipline, and it takes discipline to live a life of courage.
Commitment: It takes courage to foster both discipline and commitment. I believe that commitment means you are willing to get up and do what you are 'supposed to do' no matter how much it hurts. No matter how exhausted you are, a life of commitment keeps you going. I know it may sound a bit 'crazy', 'stoic' and/ or cliché. But I admit, I want people in my life that have the same level of commitment I do. I love growth!
The second set of 3 values I want to go over, is what was instilled in me from day one Air Force Bootcamp. I served in the Air Force from 2008-2014; Active duty. Then 2014-2018 I did four years as an Air Force reservist. Ages 18 - 24 years old I was Active duty; my brain still in development.
Integrity First This value is so important to me, I lectured my ex boyfriends about it. (during the relationships and shortly after the break up too) Integrity means to do the 'right thing when no one is watching'. It means to be honest even when it's terrifying. Especially when it's terrifying. Living honestly is better than living a double life. Truthfully I wouldn't have the energy to live a lie, I'm not sure how other's do it so well.
Service Before Self This value absolutely bled into my already 'people pleasing' 'fawner' complex. As a survivor of childhood trauma, I felt the need to put other's above my needs anyways. In the military, it was no different; "mission comes first". This value is beautiful, however, I lacked boundaries and the ability to 'self care'. So watch out with this one! It's a tricky balance.
Excellence in all we do If you are not trying to do your best, then what are you trying to do? Give up? And when I say this I do not mean 'never rest' and 'burnout'. Even our rest days require excellence. Are you doing self care with excellence? Are you working with excellence? Are you loving with excellence? Are you learning as much as you can? Are you finding ways to be the best version of yourself? I hope so!
With all of that being said, I can't help but notice as I get older, that I've met some people that were not raised with even one value. Imagine that?! But it happens. Everyone has a different upbringing. Upon meeting people with less values, I found myself hoping I could instill values on to them. This was my first mistake. People have free will. For some people living by more values, principles, work and/ or self reflection could be intimidating. People may freeze or run away. Or perhaps self sabotage their progress and go back to 'square one'. And as a 'people pleaser', I felt like a failure. Why can't I help them?!
Conclusion:
I want to continue living by my core values to the best of my ability. Therefore, I need to look for other people that live by these values; friendships and relationships. I believe that simply being around people that cause me to drift from my values, may have a direct impact on my 'fight or flight' system. I go into a survival mode, and I cannot function at my best. Practice your values and strive to surround yourself with people who do the same. ❤
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