Welcome to Dear Sybersue! Today's topic: How to break the cycle of repeating relationship drama.
This is a great conversation because many people have been in this predicament at certain stages of their lives. Why is this happening, and why do we keep choosing the same difficult relationship scenarios and hoping for a different result?
This unhealthy practice becomes a familiar habitual choice, even when it continues not to work out. You have done this for so long, it's really all you know, so you end up back in similar patterns regularly! The important thing to comprehend is that just because it's familiar, doesn't mean it's a good place to put yourself.
When a relationship ends, it is so important to learn the lessons to help you move on in a better direction, and not continue in the same direction that keeps bringing you heartbreak. Unfortunately, it can take a long time to understand this message if you don't take the time to process what occurred to cause the demise of your partnership.
#1 - The first step to changing repetitive relationship drama is coming to terms with why this is no longer working for you.
This may sound like a very simple statement, but it is not uncommon for people to repeat unhealthy scenarios because it becomes an addictive behavior. They don't often see this as an adverse habit that has become their consistent way of life. Therefore, some men and women continue to attract the wrong partners toward them for many years. This is often due to the mystifying excitement that drama brings into the mix. It's a false illusion that keeps things interesting!
If you want to change relationship patterns, you have to change your behavior. You are in charge of who you let into your life, and you are also in charge of who you say goodbye to when things are unhealthy. If you tend to go from one relationship to the next, you may not understand what the repetitive problem is because you're not taking time to step back and look at what transpired each time. You just end up back in repeat mode because it's what you know.
I always suggest taking at least 6–12 months away from dating after a break-up, to reflect on your partnership. It is imperative to spend some time on your own so that you can better understand what needs to change. The sooner you alter your behavioral patterns, the easier it will be to meet your special person to have a happy and fulfilling partnership with.
It is often said that timing is everything, but sometimes we take way too long to get it right. This doesn't have to be the case when you're in touch with your feelings, and take ownership of your part in why your relationships have not worked out.
Ask yourself what made you happy in your last relationship and what was missing. Moving forward, what would you like to see change in your next partnership? Would there be different priorities this time around? It is important to know what you want before you end up in another questionable commitment. You would be surprised how many people don't really know the answer to this question, but there is no time like the present to contemplate what that is.
#2 - What steps can I take to break my cycle of dysfunctional relationship patterns?
- Analyze what stands out about the people that you end up in relationships with. What initially attracts you to them?
- Make a pros and cons list of the last few relationships you've been in. Take some time to reflect and be honest with what you write. Pay close attention to both sides of this experiment, as it will help you decipher why you choose similar partners. You will have more clarity and be better able to see any patterns that have been formed once it's written down in front of you.
- What are the commonalities with each partnership that you have been in? Is there something repetitively familiar about each one?
- Get to the root of the repetitive problem. Was there a difficult breakup in your past that your heart is holding onto? Can you see that you may be choosing similar people to replicate what you lost? Was their childhood drama? Did you deal with abandonment issues or emotional unavailability from your parents?
- Sign up to see a therapist who can help you get to the bottom of why you choose to be in unhealthy partnerships.
- Respect yourself and own your choices. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.
- Learn how to communicate more openly and ask for what you want.
- Take some time away from being in any relationship. It is very difficult to make changes in your life when you don't put in the effort to discover what is causing the ongoing drama-filled lifestyle you keep allowing.
- Keep a journal of daily feelings and your emotional health. What are the triggers to certain behaviors that you repeat.
#3 - Counseling and self-reflection is the key to breaking barriers that keep you from having the loving partnership that you deserve.
If you are presently in a relationship where there is a lot of dysfunction, it is time for you and your partner to sit down with a counselor to discuss why this is transpiring between you. Some couples end up in a repetitive break-up and makeup scenario because they become addicted to the makeup portion that temporarily brings passion back into their partnership. Ultimately, they know it's not a great habit to get into, but it's difficult to walk away from at the same time.
Most people are attracted to like-minded people, so it is really important to be in a good place of self-love when you choose to be in any relationship. When you honestly look back at past partnerships, can you see that you had many similarities and vulnerabilities with your exes? Or was there a repetitive pattern in choosing people who were dominant and controlling? You may not understand that there is something from your past that is holding your emotions captive.
Photo by Vlada Karpovich
#4 - Make a healthy checklist that you adhere to in a relationship.
- Your partner must be emotionally available and ready for a committed relationship.
- You should have similar boundaries and self-respect.
- As a couple, you both feel worthy and ready to having a loving partnership.
- Communication must be reciprocated. There shouldn't be a lot of questions because you openly discuss everything. There is no drama, game-playing, or control issues.
- You are both on the same page with future goals, starting a family (or not), and your living arrangements.
- There is a mutual attraction and your intimacy needs are reciprocal.
- Your morals and values are united as a couple.
No one said relationships were easy, but when you find a reciprocated love, it is well worth the road traveled to get there. Regardless of what difficulty you go through in your life, there is always something to be learned so that you can be in a happier place of where you are meant to be.
Having a mature outlook and taking ownership for some of the difficult choices you may have made along the way, is really an important key to finding what truly brings you joy. A few bumps here and there make you appreciate your life, and help you to further understand what it is you're ultimately looking for. Embrace the ups and downs because they will always bring you closer to achieving contentment in your world.
*Please watch the video below to hear more on today's topic!
Thank you, Sybersue xo ❤
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