Its been a weird few weeks. My emotions have been running high and low with lots of normal in between. Zaps of frustration have become my best friend but that has led to some snappy remarks. I'm argumentative. If you tell me a red jumper is a red jumper, I will tell you that no, it is not in fact red, it is Burgundy'! I have stooped to that level of pedancy (?). And for what?
But it goes deeper and I'm beginning to figure it out. The frustration bubbles up when I feel overwhelmed. And it's the little things that really get to me. They are so trivial but the burst of agitation I feel over them is not.
I'm so giving. Generosity is my gift to the world, helping others, being reliable, making sure everybody is looked after comes as natural to me as breathing.
But the last few weeks, where I've been struggling and needed people to look after me, it just hasn't happened. Or at least not to a standard I offer to others. It's been exhausting directing everybody at home and work.
And yep, communicating my needs is something I am responsible for, for others to be able to know what I need, but I just haven't had the energy. And most of the time it sounds like nagging. Or I am accused of nagging. Or moaning.
I was asked today; what would happen if you stopped doing all the things for everybody? What would be the consequences?
And I said I'd feel cruel. If I didn't get my son out of bed and into the shower and sort his clothes to get dressed and tell him to brush his teeth, empty his bag, sort his lunchbox, make sure he had all his equipment for school…he'd go to school, hungry, trampy and end up in detention. That would be cruel.
I'm a bad colleague or boss, or not a team player if I don't help pick up work from others. If I don't constantly drive forward, customers don't get the best service. But I absolutely cannot keep supporting them and do my own job effectively. I have to step back. I had a meeting on Monday with a colleague to organise responsibilities. It was a way to set boundaries. And honestly, I feel so much more relieved and a bit lighter, it's made my week if I'm honest. I have my lanes and I will not be budging a single millimetre outside of them!
And then there is home. Mr no-name and how we approach life. I remind myself that he is in his infancy of adulthood really, whereas I have had years of practice. Thoughtfulness and romance are hard to deliver when your missus is being a moody mate. But I do feel disrespected at time. I'm never late to take him to the train station, but we are never out the door when I want to be. I find the pen leak, that is not in my bag and share this, to be told the next night the pen has leaked and the following morning it's me finding the fucking pen leak. And leaving 10 minutes later than I wanted to!! See what I mean about getting wound up over trivial matters?! And if I don't support him, I'm a bad girlfriend!
So then I ask..is my reliability and generosity just kindness, or am I a people pleasing push-over, made to feel guilty when I express a need? Let me tell ya, I've had enough of that in my life.
Maybe I have to learn to accept that I'm organised and the men in my life (at home or work) are not. Last minute Nelly is fine when it's on my terms. But not when I'm already pissy.
So, I've decided the answer is checklists. A run down for everybody to check their responsibilities and save me wasting my breath. And if they end up at work or school hungry, missing the train, getting detention, being held accountable in performance meeting, then they will learn to be autonomous.
Or maybe, just maybe I'm grieving and all of this is just a phase which I will move past if given time, space and patience.
But until then, sucks to be you boo…
…too harsh?
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