Forgiving Yourself

Steve Keating

April 28

Generally speaking I think people are pretty forgiving. It may take a while but we eventually forgive others. Sometimes even for some serious transgressions. But there is often one person we find it incredibly difficult to forgive and it's really the person who frequently needs our forgiveness the most.

That person is ourselves. Until we can forgive ourselves it is much harder to accept forgiveness from someone else. The forgiveness of others is almost irrelevant if we are hanging on to the feeling that we are unforgivable.

You are not unforgivable. Here's one absolute certainty…before you even knew you had done something requiring forgiveness, God had forgiven you. Think about how amazing that is because once you're able to digest that thought you'll find it easier to forgive yourself.

But even then, forgiving yourself is a journey that requires patience and self-compassion. It requires the knowledge that making mistakes, even some whoppers, is as human as a human can get. I should also note here however that making the same "mistake" repeatedly is not really a mistake, it's more of a choice. I personally struggle to be as forgiving with someone who repeatedly makes choices that negatively affect others.

But assuming you've made a genuine mistake, here are some steps you can take to begin the process of self forgiveness.

Acknowledge your mistake. Recognize what you did wrong and accept responsibility for it. Sometimes we're haunted by a mistake that we won't even admit. Somewhere inside you know you did wrong, admitting it, to yourself, is a must if you're going to forgive yourself.

Understand why it happened. Reflect on the circumstances and factors that led to your actions. Were you just stupid for a minute, were you malicious, were you seeking revenge? You need to know this because it will impact what actions you take to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Feel your emotions. Allow yourself to feel any guilt, shame, or regret associated with the mistake. Remember, you're human. You're an emotional creature, own your emotions and they become easier to deal with.

Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would a friend who made a mistake.

Make amends if possible. If your actions affected others, apologize and take steps to make things right. It's easy to wallow in guilt and shame. Being proactive in making amends tends to prevent too much wallowing. Don't feel sorry for yourself because you screwed up, do something about it.

Learn and grow. Use the experience as an opportunity for personal growth and self-improvement. This is the "making lemonade from lemons" part of the process. If you learn from your mistake it can make you a better person down the road. That makes self forgiveness much easier.

Let go of the past. Release yourself from the burden of guilt and allow yourself to move forward. Do not keep reliving the mistake. Remember the lessons learned but forget the mistake itself, at least as much as possible.

Repeat as necessary. Forgiveness is often not a one-time event but a process that may need to be revisited over time. But if you require forgiveness for the same "mistake" over and over you may need to start thinking more about the choices you're making.

Forgiveness is a gift we most often reserve for others. Don't forget you deserve forgiveness as much as the next person, even if it means you have to give it to yourself.