Dr. Daniel Amen* writes that some people have a tendency to focus on the negative things in their lives to the exclusion of everything positive in order to motivate themselves to function. Amen also notes that the people who choose this method of motivating themselves tend to drive other people away and become pessimistic and depressed. This does not surprise me. This mindset goes way beyond being "a little pessimistic" or "a little glum". Constant negativity is very harsh to be around and often as difficult for the people around the negative person as for the person who is living in it, and it can drive people away.
The tendency toward noticing only the negatives is a mindset that anyone can fall into. Humans have a natural bias toward paying more attention to the negative than to the positive. This is because negative things are often dangerous, and sometimes can kill us. The thing is that focusing only on the negatives can kill us too; that death will be slower but it will still be just as deadly and very unpleasant for everyone who loves us. My daughter Kitty (age 7) has a gift for discovering the negative in any given situation. I'll give some true life examples from my days with Kitty. She seems to be growing out of her negative focus at this point, so these are a little dated.
Me: "I am going to make pancakes for breakfast."
Kitty looked happy: "What kind?"
Me: "The fluffy kind."
Kitty: "The best kind is the thin white kind you made once."
I was thinking, "What? I don't remember ever making thin white pancakes."
I tried suggesting a few different versions of pancakes I had made in the past. Kitty argued that they weren't right and acted increasingly annoyed. I already knew that she was probably going to be disappointed with the pancakes, and she was.
Anything I suggested, anything that happened, any situation, any plan could be subtly or overtly turned into a negative. Going to the park? Kitty suddenly hated the park we were going to and wanted to go to the only fun park. Which park was that? Who knows. Offer her some chocolate? She liked the other kind better. Or she only wanted fruit leather.
Kitty would be creating something with paper, scissors, paint, glue and tape, when she'd suddenly notice that her paper had a mark on it, or the glue was the "wrong" kind, or, or, or ... There were always ways to find a negative in whatever was happening--even if she had to resort to tripping and hurting herself.
Me: "Time to brush your teeth."
Kitty: "I hate brushing my teeth!"
Me: "You hate brushing them, I get it. And it's time to go brush them."
Kitty: "It's the worst thing in the whole world!"
Then Kitty fell on the floor, moaning, and crawled slowly towards the bathroom, gagging and flailing, and managed to thwack herself on the door frame and have a huge meltdown.
Having a treat. Schoolwork. Going to a park. Going for a walk. Shopping. Doing the laundry. No matter what it was, Kitty could reshape it into misery. She got a happy gleam in her eye if I protested or (God forbid!) pointed out any positive aspects to the little things she complained about. She argued vociferously, doubling down on her negativity.
This negative thought pattern can also lend itself to getting the people around the negative one to do what they want. My dad was particularly prone to falling for this with Kitty. All she had to do was complain and he jumped around trying to satisfy her. He completely wore himself out and she was still filled with discontent.
Sometimes people confuse this negativity with sadness, but it's not. Kitty may have been dealing with some depression and a lot of anxiety, but she was not sad, exactly. Kitty enjoyed her negativity. It satisfied her or helped her at some level. Perhaps it helped stave off her anxiety for a brief time? Perhaps it focused her mind momentarily?
The best way that my mom and I found to deal with it is to refrain from arguing about things. We don't give in or change our plans, or let her negativity affect the running of the household. We display neutrality as far as emotions go, accepting each as the gift it is without choosing to view them as "good" or "bad", accepting her negativity with no alteration of our total acceptance of Kitty as she is in this moment, and continuing to show her love and compassion.
Kitty is slowly moving away from negativity and spends a lot more time in a neutral, or even cheerful, frame of mind. I believe this change is happening because she is developing more interests, becoming better able to analyze her feelings, and becoming more empathetic. There are days when she returns to that negative way of thinking, but fortunately Kitty's tendency to seek out the negative seems to be fading. Hallelujah!
*Healing ADD: The Breakthrough Program That Allows You to See and Heal the 7 Types of ADD, by Dr. Daniel Amen.
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