once every few weeks on a Saturday morning, it usually pops into my mind:
oh what videogames do we have on my laptop?
there's like—a spark of fresh air, in that state of mind:
to think of something as carefree as playing a videogame after weeks of sheer classes and depression—it sounds just fun.
but then there always comes the second kicker:
oh instead of videogames, wouldn't it be more genuinely fun to have a chat with a friend that i care about?
or here's another example:
sometimes when i open YouTube for the hundredths time in the day, it suddenly dawns upon me:
instead of half-consciously seeking a glimpse of excitement from the sheer luck of finding an amusing clip, why don't i read that novel i just bought and, like, spend a conscious, deliberate amount of attention for this one thing—something i know for sure will bring me joy (at least the book reviews said so)?
or like, instead of watching a relaxing film (let alone looking for a good one) in which the character takes a walk in nature, why don't i just go out for a walk and feel the nature through my own skin?
i feel like my rather mindless use of the internet and fast entertainment is making me stuck hitting an ever-suboptimal level of joy—it's so cheap but never quite satisfies the stomach so i keep buying it just because it's so cheap even though no amount of this cheap entertainment will ever make me content.
that, when i know deep down that contentment lies in the
modesty
and mundanity
of the moment.
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