This year has brought a lot of new situations into my life. And, of course, changes have come with them. I have had to change many things, especially the expectations I have about myself, my work, and my purpose. It's been a bit of a free fall. When I first started feeling restless, unmotivated, stuck, apprehensive, and frustrated, those adjectives were just on the edges of life. In the center there was always a lot of routine activity. There were distractions of all kinds. There were people to help, events to attend, all of it pointing to getting back to being my former self. Until things got quiet.
I think it was easy to divide life into before and after the death of my husband, and to think that I would get back to being my usual self, whoever that was. Now that some time has passed, I'm starting to view it differently. My life is more like an ever changing timeline. Dennis's death was a significant event on the timeline, that is true, but there were other events as well, and change came with each of them.
Getting right to the freedom part, I made a decision this week that started this whole chain of thought. Here is what happened.
I like to call myself a writer, but who am I kidding if I don't write? For over ten years now I have managed to do a blogging challenge, the April A to Z. At first I filled the 26 days of the month with random posts. Later I started picking themes because it was easier and more interesting. The last couple of years I've struggled to find new themes that sparked creativity, but still managed come up with something. Last year I did character sketches, based on real people I've known but fictionalized. This year I thought I might work on putting those people in plots. I told myself that doing this challenge was important to me and made me a better writer.
I got a few stories done, and then I hit a wall. Nothing was coming together. I was avoiding writing any way I could, and feeling ashamed about it at the same time. I felt like I had to do it, because I had done it for so many years. This self imposed mandate was sucking all the fun out of my days. So I set myself free. What a relief.
I don't have to join the challenge. I don't have to follow a theme. I can forget about the alphabet if I want to. I don't even have to write anything this coming month at all. It feels pretty good to rebel against some kinds of restrictions. So much so, that I've been looking around for other things that I don't need to do, things that I have bound myself to that might be up for re-evaluation.
What will my summer be like if I don't put in a garden? What will my files look like if I clean out some of the trivia? Is it time to let go of my high school and college cheerleading letters? How will it change my relationship with my mom if I'm more of a friend and less of a caregiver? How might it feel if life is simpler, less burdened?
This thought train has just started to pick up steam. At this stage in my life there are compelling reasons to think about lightening the load, letting go of things, and throwing off chains. Of finding new freedom.
And what things would God have me do with the new freedoms that have come my way?
What have you been freed from recently? Join the conversation - I would love to hear your thoughts.
Still have them, but their days are numbered. Go team, go!
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