Dwania Duhaney-Millen
"My child's father promised to marry me after I had my first child […] And because I said that I will wait until I have the baby and to be able to fit in my wedding dress and look pretty, he said I should not talk to him about getting married again. He said that I should give him back the money he gave me to buy the rings." (The Star, 2018)
What does it mean to "play wife"? This occurs when an unmarried woman does all traditional things that a woman in a committed marital relationship does such as pleasing her husband sexually, cooking his meals, cleaning the house, ironing his clothes, bearing his children and taking care of them. It is considered "playing" because while the unmarried woman does all these things, she is not, in reality, in a committed marital relationship that would warrant her necessarily needing to do these things. She is not a wife, but many times these women are pregnant with the hope or expectation of someday becoming a wife. The excerpt above from The Star gives an example of what can go wrong when a woman is in a cohabiting living situation. How many people do you know in this situation?
Cohabitation (living together while being unmarried) happens for many reasons. One of the basic reasons for cohabitation is for the fulfillment of sexual needs (Faturochman, 1995). Interestingly, studies have shown that cohabitors are more sexually involved than married couples (Samson et al., 1991; Tanfer, 1987). There are other factors as well such as cohabiting due to the influence of friends or modeling by parents, financial considerations, the inability to marry due to religious differences or ideological reasons, trauma from a previous marriage, and cohabitation due to an underage partner (Faturochman, 1995). We see therefore that people choose to live with their partner for a variety of reasons. Where I am from (Jamaica), cohabitation is also a common occurrence, and it has become a preferred option for many single young people.
The Dangers
In our society today, cohabitation is referred to as "shacking up". My Jamaican grandmother would call it "playing dolly house". In these living situations, it is clear that there is not just financial security but there is also sexual activity. In scripture, we see how Jesus deals with a woman who was in such a relationship- The Samaritan woman to whom he speaks in John chapter 4:13-18.
13 Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
15 The woman said to him, "Sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water."
16 He told her, "Go, call your husband and come back."
17 "I have no husband," she replied. Jesus said to her, "You are right when you say you have no husband. 18 The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true."
This Samaritan woman has had five husbands, and she was now cohabiting with a new man. While we do not know the reason why she had found herself in this position, we can see from the passage that Jesus wanted to confront this particular sin in her life. He knew she could not go to call her "husband" because the man with whom she was living was not married to her. Jesus' reason for sending for her husband was not so much about her getting help to carry her water, but help for the brokenness and sin in her life. Jesus intends to speak to her conscience because before she could get this living water that she has requested, it was not the husband who needed to show up at the well, it was her changed heart which at the time was unconvinced of and unrepentant about the sin in her life. Cohabiting is a sin, and it requires repentance. There are a number of scriptures which discourage this type of living situation:
1 Corinthians 6: 18 instructs us to "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body."
See also Acts 15:29, 1 Corinthians 6:13, Galatians 5:19 and Ephesians 5:3. Sexual immorality and any lifestyle that might lead to it is detestable to God. As a result, women who enter into relationships with hopes of getting married but who aren't and who in the meantime fulfill these wifely roles are not just setting themselves up to be disappointed, but they are also living in a sinful lifestyle. The ring (which might never come) does not guarantee a strong marriage since research shows that couples who cohabit, despite the short term advantages are likely to end up in divorce in the long run (Rosenfield & Roesler, 2019). Interestingly, Axinn and Thornton (1992) show that the choice to cohabit is most likely to be made by people who are less likely to marry and are more approving of divorce. Playing wife to get the ring is not really worth the wait afterall. One key scripture to remember in a situation like this is 1 Corinthians 7:2.
"But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband."
God, in his wisdom and love for us warns us against putting ourselves in this vulnerable position. Thus, he created marriage as a safe space for those who want to be committed to another person. It is a holy covenant before God. The covenant of marriage is a commitment that God takes seriously, and it cannot be waved away with just a wish. In fact, God instructs us to honor marriage. He says in Hebrews 13:4 "Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against casual and illicit sex." The Samaritan woman in John 4 had either buried 5 husbands or divorced 5 husbands; whether or not she had buried them or divorced them, Jesus referred to them as her "husbands''. It means then that in his view, if she had separated from them, buried or divorced them, they had not stopped being her "husbands". She was in adultery when she married the second one, third, fourth and fifth one, and she was now living in adultery with this new man.
The Jamaican Situation
When a woman "plays wife" there is no real commitment. The man has not indicated, despite all the work you do to please him, that he wants to "leave all others and cleave to you" (be tied to you forever in a godly covenant) (Gen. 2:24-25). This puts you in a vulnerable position as you can be dropped, tossed aside, chased away or abandoned on a whim if, for some reason, this man changes his mind. This can have devastating consequences. Dr. Janet Cain-Walters of Northern Caribbean University (NCU) carried out a study entitled "An investigation of the Factors Influencing Cohabiting Couples Reasons for Remaining Unmarried: A Phenomenological Approach". She studied 20 cohabiting couples in the parishes of Manchester, Clarendon and St. Elizabeth between the ages of early 20s and late 50s. Her study showed that despite a woman's willingness to wait for years (even until death) for a marriage proposal, men were hesitant to marry because of deep-seated concerns such as commitment-related fears and fears about their wives changing after tying the knot. Some of the other reasons related to the women's financial security, the men's comfort with cheating while letting the woman wait it out and the common belief that some men have that there is no need for a piece of paper to make a marriage legal (Virtue, 2019).
...men were hesitant to marry because of deep-seated concerns such as commitment-related fears and fears about their wives changing after tying the knot.
If you want to drink the milk, you must buy the cow.
"Playing wife" gives a man all the privileges of a marriage without any real commitment, and one of those major privileges is sex. Giving someone access to the most intimate parts of you without requiring them to commit to you is not just irresponsible, it is dangerous in light of the many STIs floating around. Without any real commitment to you, the likelihood of having multiple sexual partners increases. Of course, all the other roles are still being filled, not just sexual. A woman who "plays wife" will be expected to keep on playing the role because you have set a precedent that this is what you are willing to do to show your love and to keep his love. What happens when you refuse to show up for work? What would happen if you stopped cooking, cleaning, giving up your body or taking care of his home? Would he still love you and want to be with you even if you had nothing more to give? Work then becomes the condition on which you are loved, but you never entered the relationship to become enslaved in the first place. In the excerpt at the beginning of this post, we see an example of how easily a woman can be manipulated when they put themselves in such a vulnerable position. She is now swinging on a pendulum as fickle as this man's changed mind, and yet here she is carrying his child, her prospects of marriage gone.
What can you do?
"Playing wife" is a desperate signal for love and acceptance, and because of your vulnerable position, you are likely to be used. Since there is no reason to commit, no guarantee of marriage, and she keeps on doing everything a wife would do, then why is marriage important anyway? "Playing wife" undermines marriage. Ironically, these women are waiting for a ring while in a cohabitation, but it only points out that these women do not understand the importance of the marriage covenant before God. What can you do? If you are in a situation like this, speak to a Christian counsellor or pastor who can provide guidance for you. It would also be helpful to get into a church community that can provide godly, loving support for you. Also, check out these two books Not a Single Shade of Grey and 21 Days to Choosing Mr. Right which can provide valuable insight on singleness, marriage and relationships!
Thanks for reading! I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Leave a comment below. I would love to hear from you. God bless you!
References
Axinn, W. G., & Thornton, A. (1992). The Relationship between Cohabitation and Divorce: Selectivity or Causal Influence? Demography, 29(3), 357–374. https://doi.org/10.2307/2061823
Faturochman, F. (1995). Determinants and Characteristics of Unmarried Cohabitation and its Impacts on Marriage: Western Experiences. Populasi. 6. 52-63. 10.22146/jp.11445.
Rosenfeld, M.J. and Roesler, K. (2019), Cohabitation Experience and Cohabitation's Association With Marital Dissolution. J. Marriage Fam, 81: 42-58. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12530
Samson, J-M., J. J. Levy, A. Dupras, and D. Tessier. 1991. "Coitus frequency among married or cohabiting heterosexual adults: a survey in French-Canada", Australian Journal of Marriage and the Family, 12: 103-109.
Tafner, K. 1987. "Patterns of premarital cohabitation among never married women in the United States", Journal of Marriage and the Family, 49(3): 483-497.
The Star (2018, June 6). Tell me Pastor: Boyfriend Wants Back Wedding Ring. Retrieved from https://jamaica-star.com/article/tell-me-pastor/20180606/boyfriend-wants-back-wedding-ring-money
Virtue, E. (2019, February 17). Editor's Forum: Women still want a ring, study shows. Retrieved from https://jamaica-gleaner.com/article/news/20190217/editors-forum-women-still-want-ring-study-shows#slideshow-1
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