The year 24 arrives and in contrast to my usual joy or wonder, I can only describe my feeling with one word. Uneasy.
They say your twenties are your defining decade, well, I'm halfway to the end.
This must sound ridiculous to the late twenties and over thirty guys but this is my story, you're just in it.
Uneasy, This isn't to mean that I'm scared or ungrateful but there's a lot that's unsettling and uncharted. It feels like learning to walk again. Which isn't particularly terrible but not fun either. There's a lot of falling and flailing around.
Flailing around's a perfect way to describe how my life looks right now. Like I don't really know what I'm doing but I'm doing anything anyways to pass the time.
Anyway....let me paint a clearer picture.
Dear reader, we are gathered here today to say goodbye to Joanna's unlived lives.
Life 1: INCOGNITO MODE
If there's one thing, I can be very good at is living my life incognito mode. Not to mean that I am completely hidden. I do, however have an uncanny ability to keep myself from the light. I realize it every day when I downplay my abilities and skills. I make light of my own beauty and brilliance which does nothing good for me in any case. Why I still do it anyway, I wonder.
As I have lived like this I have watched as the lives and talents of others have flourished and grown. And distancing myself from jealousy meant, appreciating and applauding this growth and power. It also meant looking in the mirror.
Your heart is a house of mirrors, the stars said. Suddenly everything was a reflection of myself. Especially, this idea in my mind that when hidden my time to shine will come. I understand the essence in a time for brewing and growing, just like a bamboo tree. Talent, in my view requires a different kind of brewing. The kind that works it day in and day out, gently pushing and pruning, prodding and applauding, learning and evolving.
The twenties are for this, the pruning, the gentle or hard pushing. These are the years to explore and discover yourself. So, I say goodbye to the mindset that hiding my talent will make it grow or make it shine. I say goodbye to the fear of trying and the fear of being seen trying.
May the future twenties bring more exploration, more colour, more words and more ideas. May the twenties bring joy in art and deep wells of creative inspiration. May my art and imagination evolve and explode, playing outside the lines and foregoing the box.
Life 2: THE OLIVIA POPE PIPEDREAM.
Where were you if you didn't experience Shonda's wicked trio of How to get away with murder, Grey's Anatomy & Scandal? I was there and Scandal was the holiest of them for me till Grey stole the crown. I loved and breathed Olivia Pope. From her hair, to the nails, to the career to the outfits. That became the picture of what I wanted my future to look like.
I wanted the corner office, heck I wanted to be a lawyer, and climb the legal ladder to be one of Kenya's female Chief Justices.
Then came reality, delusion came a little late for me. My dream of a legal career died. I was okay with that. I did that downplaying thing again. I could live without law.
At my current job, I came to realise that the politics and tap-dancing that the corporate world required would be difficult for me. I don't have the capacity to kiss-ass older men and play daughter to older women, who with a blink of an eye could fire me, as they wished.
The work I do currently involves dealing with a lot of corporate women and I encounter how desensitized they are to reality and I cannot imagine myself as such.
And so, my Olivia Pope dream, died. Slowly but i have come to the point where my career has a new path. I do not know what it will look like but i know it will involve communities and writing. These two I cannot live without and as such, will make myself an invaluable resource concerning them.
Goodbye Olivia Pope, the corner office, the nude nails and the three-piece suits. I welcome the uncertainty of the future and the surprises on this new path for me.
Life 3: UNHEALTHY LOVER GIRL
Obviously, I am a lover girl. But I have been an unhealthy one. I have manipulated, gaslit, lied, pleased and abandoned myself for the sake of this ideal love i chase and crave.
"All suffering originates from craving, from attachment, and from desire." EGDAR ALLEN POE.
He told no lies there. My attachment to this rigid and self-abandoning love led to me suffer in many ways. I have done all the emotional labour and carried so much weight and anger, all in the name of love.
My unhealthy love looked like rushing into a relationship, putting them on a pedestal, not listening beyond their words, ignoring my gut and dismissing the advice of friends. I have strayed further and further from the actual kind of love i desire. A love that doesn't wash away who I am but magnifies and emboldens me.
THANK GOD FOR THERAPY. Without it, I would have never learnt to pace the dating phase, to self-soothe in cases of anxiety and to lean on myself when I am overwhelmed. I wouldn't know that I don't have to react to everything they do and that slow is good too.
This is one goodbye i enjoy. Goodbye to my Unhealthy lover girl era. Goodbye to crying over emotionally unavailable men and freaking out when they don't text back. Goodbye to rushing relationships and setting premature ultimatums.
I relish this new era of patience and brewing. Of presence and peace within uncertainty.
Life 4: I CARE A LOT
One of my favorite ideas is free will. The phenomenon is that each and every human has the will and choice to do absolutely whatever they want to. Within or without the bounds of law.
I am a certified people pleaser. I will break my back for you to cross the bridge. I will say up late with you even if i have work the next day. I will do it all to make sure I fit in with your idea of me.
However, now stepping into the power that comes with free will, I do not care anymore. I no longer feed into the idea of shame and embarrassment. Albeit, i will feel its voice at the back of my throat, i will fight it. And i will win. I no longer let shame cripple and control how i dress, speak or enjoy. I am learning to accept every part of me that appears and to adapt accordingly. Even to the parts i don't like, i accept ad work on.
I will no longer care what anyone says about how slow or fast my career progresses or why i am still single. I will no longer care even when my mother dims my light when i try to seek her approval. I will not be held back by the eyes and words of people who have no idea what it takes to be me. What it takes to show up in the world, everyday as me.
Goodbye to caring about what people think or what they'll say. I will not miss you.
To these four lives, we bury you deep in the bowels of the earth where no living or dead thing could find. May you never rise or show your head again.
I set myself free of these, that have held me back from enjoying the only life I have live. I open myself up to knew experiences, divine protection and guidance. May the road I take be paved with love, peace, joy, resilience and growth.
I hope that you, dear reader, may borrow a leaf from me and have a funeral of your own.
With love,
Joanna.
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