#1425: "I can't comfort my partner and it's killing me!"

JenniferP

March 26

Dear Captain Awkward,

I (24, he/they) have been with my partner (24, he/she/they) for almost about a year now. We've had a great relationship and we get along together really well, my partner has an amazing sense of humor, cares about me a lot, is creative, very passionate and just all around an amazing person. I love him very much but it's also hard to be with him.

It's especially hard when they're upset, because I feel like there's nothing I can do. They tend to spiral and feel hopeless about everything. Words of encouragement don't work. Trying to say stuff like "oh you must be feeling xyz" just feels like I'm stating the obvious to them. And I get it. We are physically distant (not super far, just different houses), so we text most of the times and are only able to meet each other once or twice a week.

I'm not good at comforting people. I don't know what I can do to help. I've asked if they needed anything from me during those moments, but they don't know what helps them either, so I end up saying things that don't help or make things worse, or I don't say anything at all and that also makes things worse. They end up feeling like they're not compensated for their suffering, I end up feeling incompetent. They start calling everyone useless. They start feeling worthless because they feel like I'm not doing enough. I hear words like "nobody loves me", or "nobody cares enough to understand me", or "I'm always alone and I have to rely on myself."

The problem? He's right about me! I haven't been able to do anything. All I've done is make stupid little mistakes like being late and forgetting my lunch and inconveniencing him. I know he has a low tolerance to stuff like this, especially when it comes to inconveniencing him, but I keep messing up no matter how hard I try. I want to be reliable for my partner but he doesn't trust me anymore. Sorry doesn't cut it because I'll keep messing up again. He doesn't like it when I apologize. And proving that I'm really sorry doesn't feel like something I can do because I don't trust myself to not make the same mistakes again.

I'm forgetful, I'm clumsy and I keep planning things badly. I'm passive and I don't take charge enough. They've told me this both directly and indirectly. I've been called inadequate at times, and they've said hurtful things like they "don't think its within my ability to do xyz". I hate that I'm like this because it hurts him. I hate that he's right. He's incredibly independent. He does things very quickly and efficiently. He plans well. He does everything right. I'm just a doormat and I feel useless.

It also hurts because I'm trying my best, but I can't. I try and try and try but we always end up arguing about how I'm not doing enough and my efforts don't reach her. She says that she doesn't feel like I care about her, but I do. I try to be as attentive as I can be, I try to be there for her as much as I can. I keep doing research and trying to talk to her and understand her side of things, but we always end up in circles. I'm constantly thinking of what I can do for her but we both don't know what makes my partner feel comforted, so we both end up hurt.

They don't have anyone else to turn to either, so it's just me. But I have so much to deal with outside my relationship at the same time that my head hurts.

It's a lot easier when we're physically together because I can do something. I can buy things or talk and be there in their presence and they eventually feel alright. But through text I just don't know what to say, and it hurts to see her in pain. I know I can't control how they feel. I know I can't cheer them up sometimes. But if I can't do anything about it then I'm not doing enough.

I've been hating myself more and more and I don't know what to do. I get distracted at work and I'm snappy at my family because them being upset causes me so much stress and anxiety. We've almost broken up a few times now, but every time we're almost there, I either back down or don't bring it up at all, because in the end I still love them. He cares about me a lot until he's upset and lashing out. Then it's mean and hurtful words. Or maybe I'm just sensitive. Then I feel terrible because I didn't do anything about it because I was frozen thinking about what I can do.

I ended up in a panic attack once because I forgot to talk about something serious. And yes, that was my fault, 100%. I own up to that. But they were so callous and cold about it that I started shaking. At that point, they were also very upset. They said that "all you can do is panic and cry." They've since then apologized and said they were lashing out at the time but it still hurts.

Breaking up feels like running away. It feels like giving up, but talking only makes us go in circles. I've already done it once and that was definitely me running away from my problems before we patched things up. But it's exhausting because I'm constantly worried about my partner being upset over me or someone else. And she already expects me to fuck it up anyways.

The good is amazing, but the bad makes me want to die. I keep swinging back and forth between feeling angry and feeling happy, and lately I don't know what I feel anymore. I don't know if shes just being mean and lashing out, or if I really just am a terrible partner who can't do anything right. Am I just that selfish? Am I inconsiderate? Is what she's saying true? Am I really just trying to run from everything?

I don't know anymore. I keep thinking about this and mulling it over and I don't know what's going on.

I'm sorry this letter is all over the place. My head is a mess too and I don't really know what I want from this either. I'm confused and hurt and I don't know if I should even be mad at my partner for lashing out at my mistakes.

I just want to stop feeling like I'm going crazy.

Thanks,

Very Sad Boyfriend

Dear Very Sad Boyfriend:

Thank you for your letter. Please allow me to describe the physical sensation of reading it for the first time.

I had a sinking feeling when I read that your "amazing" partner expects you to serve as their on-call unpaid personal therapist and improvisational court jester responsible for fixing their bad moods. It sunk further when you revealed that everything you do to try to help gets used as an excuse to blame and punish you. Which is it, you're the only person on earth who can possibly help them or you're the worst at helping? They don't seem to know what might make them feel better or be able to give you any direction about what they need, nor do they have any other plans to mitigate these low mood spells, and yet they are extremely certain that everything you do is wrong. Could it be that manufacturing opportunities to blame you whenever they feel bad isn't the bug, it's the feature?

Then I read about when you had a panic attack, your partner had nothing to offer you except contempt, and you feel like that's your fault, too. When I got to the words "all you can do is panic and cry," all the blood that is currently inside of my body rapidly switched places with other blood. Did all the color want to drain dramatically from my face until I was white as a sheet or did it want to puff my cheeks out like a choleric beets? Yes, extremely both, NOW. I was telling Mr. Awkward about your letter over lunch and it happened the same way again. "All you can do is panic and cry." He got completely still and said "Beg your pardon?" in that too-quiet voice people use in old timey westerns right before someone flies out a saloon window boots first (if they're lucky). And there it went again, all the blood from my brain just fell down through my jaw and pooled in my clenched fists, and all the blood from the lower body rose like an elevator through my trunk and bloomed out of my cheeks like fireworks. We were both so angry on your behalf that I couldn't close my hands all the way and he couldn't move his face for a few seconds. We were angry because that is not how people talk to people they claim to love.

I beg your pardon, but NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS YOUR FAULT AND YOUR PARTNER IS NOT "RIGHT ABOUT YOU." What if I told you that somebody could be clearly going through it and also making choices to devalue and mistreat you, and one does not cancel out the impact of the other? Mean is a choice. You don't always know precisely what to say when they are upset, but I guarantee that you don't insult and berate them, blame them for everything that's wrong in your life, or use their most vulnerable moments to find the cruelest thing a person could possibly say under the circumstances. This person consistently kicks you when they're down, they kick you when you're down, and now you're in my inbox wondering if maybe you just need to work a little harder on the relationship. The automatic self-blame more than anything is the marker for abuse for me, because it means you've internalized the idea that on some level you deserve to be treated like everything you do is bad and that being emotionally drained and crushingly unhappy is just the price you pay for love. It certainly is convenient for them if all your mistakes are your fault and all their mean bullshit is also your fault. You clearly value accountability, but you'll never make up for what your partner lacks by supplying more of your own.

"The good is amazing, the bad makes me wanna die." To borrow from a past column, if I make a giant pot of delicious chili and hide a tiny cat turd in it, that's eight quarts of Shit Stew now. There's no safe serving size for abuse and no amount of amazing that someone can be that cancels out how mean they are If you can't trust that just yet, then trust how bad you felt when you wrote in. Any relationship that made you feel so exhausted and confused that you wanna die would have me looking around for exits, not fixes. I'm so sorry if you thought you were gonna get scripts for working on your bedside manner and instead I teleported to your house like the Terminator. "Come with me if you want to live." But it is that bad. I'm sorry.

You say that breaking up "would feel like running away from your problems" as if running away from people who hurt you and make you miserable is a bad thing. I get it, our terrible culture means that any time you talk about quitting literally anything, someone's gonna show up with a persistence narrative. "Quitters never win and winners never quit." "Relationships take work!" "No pain, no gain." Like leaving our book club for a hobby we might enjoy more is the only thing between us and putting another Nobel Prize on the shelf where we keep our EGOTs.

Whenever someone suggests that the best and only way to deal with a situation where you are unhappy is to invest even more time and energy, I want you to ask: 1) What do they win if you keep doing something that hurts you? Since the person applying pressure here is you, what do you win besides more feeling helpless, unsupported, unappreciated, and blaming yourself for all of it?

2) If you were to stick with it, when do you get to the good part? Be specific. "In the first couple of episodes of Schitt's Creek, they need to make the mayor grotesquely unbearable so that the family will seem sympathetic by comparison, you can skip or fast forward through his parts without missing much." I can (and did) work with that. When do you get to enjoy your relationship instead of feeling like it's a job where you're perpetually on a performance improvement plan? It's been a year. More effort from you has not made anything better, it has only gotten worse. That's because you cannot love another person into being okay, and you definitely cannot love someone who treats you like shit out of treating you like shit.

If you need a how-to review for breaking up with someone who might not let you go quietly, here are some suggestions:

Make a safety plan. Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time. Better to have the plan and not need it than need it and not have it. Everybody's safety plan is gonna look different. One thing I might add to yours: If your ex threatens self-harm, what steps could you take to stay safe and stick to your boundaries? I know you worry about them, but there is no problem on earth for which your compliance and continued exposure to someone who hurts you is the cure.
Box up any stuff of theirs that was in your living space and get it ready to ship. With your safety plan in mind, if you can stealthily snag anything of yours that's at their place without alerting them to the imminent breakup, do it, especially any important documents. Anything that can be replaced is probably their stuff now, write it off as the Cost of Freedom.
Make a list of ways they have to get in contact with you: Phone numbers, social media handles and platforms, email addresses, etc. Make a note of any mutuals who might be tempted to play peacemaker or help them get around your blocks.
Compose a breakup message. Sample: "I'm so sorry, but this is not working for me anymore and I am ending our relationship. I'll drop your stuff in the mail by [date] and send you tracking info. After that, I need a clean break, so I won't be replying to messages, and I'd ask that you not contact me. I'm sorry things didn't work out and I wish you well."
I know people think that texting a breakup is cruel and that people we love are always owed at least one face-to-face conversation. If this were a relationship where you weren't being abused into being this person's on-call crisis support and punching bag, that might make more sense. But you've tried to break up before and been sucked back in, and they know that they can use their own suffering to summon you whenever they like. If they don't wanna break up, how you did it will just become part of the story of how you left them because you are mean and selfish, etc.Sometimes you gotta choose what's safest and least painful for you and let other people tell the stories that they need to tell about why you did it.
Communicating the decision is more important than arguing your reasons. If you want to supply reasons for the breakup, make them all about you. "I'm so sorry, I love you, but I know that I am not happy with how things are and this is the right decision for me." "This isn't working for me and I think I will be better off if we stop trying."
Please know that you're never in a million years gonna convince this person they were being abusive. I'm not sure I convinced you that they are abusive, but if I convince you of one thing today let it be that it's okay to break up with someone who doesn't make you happy even if they are not abusive, and if I convince you of two things let it be that if you even breathe the a-word in this person's direction they're gonna DARVO-reverse-Uno you until you apologize for being abusive to them.
When you're ready, send the message. Then you can either block them or use filters to make sure that their messages do not show up for you.
Tell mutuals what's going on. Sample: "Ex and I broke up as of today, and I've asked for a clean break with no further contact. I'm letting the people who care about both of us know in case you want to check on them and so that you know not to pass on messages or news about me to them or vice versa. Sorry to make it awkward, thanks for your understanding and support!" Tell your support system what's going on without the part where they might wanna check on your ex.
Mute notifications on your phone for the rest of that day, take yourself out for a treat, and drop their stuff in the mail on the way.
Expect an extinction burst where they try everything they can to make you respond and pay attention to them one last time. You are accustomed to being their caretaker, and it's going to be the hardest thing to just tune them out. It will feel terrible, like you are turning your back on them. If guilt doesn't work, they will demand closure. But you can't give other people closure. Closure for them starts with believing you that it's over and you want to be left alone. They will get that (or not) in their own sweet time. The more you try to fix it instead of staying gone, the longer it will suck.You must disengage and let whatever they do run its course. Reminding them of your decision counts as engaging. If they send you 27 messages with no answer and you respond to the 28th one to tell them to leave you alone, now they know it only takes 28 messages to get your attention.
Over the next several months, be very gentle with yourself. Let people who care about you pet you and tell you how smart and pretty you are. If you can access therapy, this is a very good time to do that.
Grieve. For the good parts of being with this person, of which I do not doubt there were some. For yourself, a person who was working so hard to take care of everybody he forgot to take care of himself.
Heal. Let anger do its work. Let time do its work. Both are cleansing if you let them be.
Down the road, when you're ready to date again, try to steer clear of people who expect a lot of emotional and crisis support from you out of the gate and people who have no other friends or social connections. They might be perfectly lovely people, but until you remove the invisible "How can I help?" sign on your own forehead they are maybe not your safest bets. There's more to loving and being loved than being useful.
Always steer clear of anyone who is mean to you or mean to other people in front of you, especially anyone who tries to explain why they were mean or why what they did wasn't mean instead of saying "I'm sorry." Those were never your people.