Dear Captain Awkward,
I'm in a relationship for the last year. We started out as best friends for two years and it slowly evolved into a relationship. We have similar interests and he started hanging out with my son early on and doing fun things together. We never labeled anything and just sort of let it happen. My son just turned 12 and his father passed away when he was young and he has no memory of him. My boyfriend is the first man I have ever trusted around my son and if it didn't work out there would be no new men in our lives and my boyfriend (CJ) would always play a role in his life.
My son just asked me if he can call CJ dad and said he's tired of being the only kid without a father. I told him we can discuss it but that CJ is in our lives and loves us both regardless of what they call each other. I also explained that some moms have lots of boyfriends over the year and being a boyfriend doesn't automatically make men a dad. He said that CJ does dad things with him and loves us both very much so that makes us a family. CJ said he would do whatever my son wants to feel happy but I want to make sure we do the right thing. CJ's family adores us and his parents treat him the same as their grandchildren from their other son, and they treat me equally (better actually lol) than his brothers partner.
Should we let him call CJ dad??
Thank you.
Hello!
Here's your periodic reminder that I'm not a parent, so any advice about what's best for your son is gonna be sheer guesswork coming from me.
Maybe here's where I can help: What's the right move here for you?
In your heart of hearts, when you wrote to me did you want to be talked into letting this happen or talked out of it?
Feelings Check: If you were to say yes, does that make you feel warm, excited and hopeful or does it make you feel something else? Grief for what might have been, perhaps? Guilty that you "owe" your child a dad and you'd be letting him down if you prioritized your misgivings? Pressure to escalate or define a relationship you're not quite ready to define? And are your misgivings more about protecting your son from being let down or disappointed or are they more about protecting your heart? Feelings are weird. They are also information. Try to pull yours out and look at them without judging them or yourself.
You say of your relationship with CJ, "We never labeled anything and just sort of let it happen." I love a good friends-to-lovers tale! I've also read many, many letters where one person wants some kind of formal recognition of their relationship (everything from claiming a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner label, hearing/saying the words "I love you" out loud, being "social media official" or otherwise public about the relationship, being exclusive or committing to being non-exclusive together, to stuff that carries legal and financial implications like marriage, adoption, shared housing, business partnerships, or artistic collaboration) and the other person has a more relaxed approach along the lines of "It's just a piece of paper" or "But labels shouldn't define us!"
The person who wants more clarity is often afraid to push for it out of fear of ruining a good thing, which begs the question, if telling the truth about what you want from a relationship can "ruin" that relationship then you might have bigger issues. The person who claims it's not a big deal rarely has a good answer for "Well, if it's not a big deal either way, then why not just do what the other person wants?" aka a sure sign that something is in fact A Very Big Deal and worth approaching with care and caution until everyone is sure about what they want.
In that story, are any of those people you? Are any of them CJ? Right now you seem to be justifying the decision as "I guess nothing will fundamentally change if we add this label" but is that actually true? Maybe it's time to do more accurate labeling all around. For example, CJ said he would do whatever your son wanted, but he didn't say what he wanted. Do you know what he wants? Does he? Is it your hope/plan/wish to co-parent together in an official sense down the road? Could either/both of you make a list of things that would change and would not change if the word "Dad" entered the chat, and do your lists overlap?
If I could wave a magic wand right now I'd send you and CJ away for a long, lazy weekend alone together somewhere to pamper the shit out of yourselves and have the "So, I know we're doing this, but are we DOING THIS-doing this?" conversation about your relationship timeline and goals that I can feel fermenting underneath your question.Once you and CJ are on the same page with each other about how you want things to work, then you can figure out the right stuff to tell your son. The kid is absolutely trying to Step-Parent Trap you and the least you can do is make sure the adults aren't divided before they're conquered. 😉
For the record, I think how you explained things to your son demonstrates that you listen to him and respect his feelings enough to be honest with him, and that's lovely to read. Whatever decision you ultimately make about the word "Dad," your son is clearly surrounded by people who love him and who are able to collaborate in his best interest, and that can only be a good thing. Of course you want your son to be happy, but there are lots of possible happy endings out there for this story, and none of them work unless you are happy. Are you happy? What would make you happiest? The more you know about that, the better decisions you'll make.
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