I want to acknowledge that I have been in a period of darkness, which made me take to my bed. There is so much guilt around taking to my bed as a single parent so my understanding of needing to rest and sleep is a mixed bag. When I am feeling like I need to rest, there is that other voice that says, you are depressed and you need to fight through it and stay focused because you got shit to do. It is hard as hell to focus and stay present when I want to take to my bed and pull the covers over my head. It is reminiscent of pushing through no matter how I'm feeling. Again not pay attention to what I feel: never give up, never surrender.
I feel like I have been hibernating for the past two months. It has been cold and why not? I can't really rest because of the guilt of being lazy. There I've said it. The word "lazy" has so many trauma connections. All I ever wanted as a kid was to daydream. I was so happy inside my daydreams and I was chastised for "dreaming my life away". Daydreaming was my escape and it was used to shame me into action. It didn't matter which action, as long as it was some kind of movement. Well, I'm the hot-house plant that needed to lay in the sun and soak up its energy, to figure out my next move.
I have constructed my consulting business so I work when I feel like working. That usually means seeing at the max two clients a week. Anything more than that and I am exhausted from the conversation. If I facilitate a 4-6 hour workshop, it only happens once or twice a month. I work by referral only, which gives me the freedom of choice. I like this setup and then that voice creeps in about daydreaming and being lazy.
There are facilitators out there making a butt load of money off DEIB (Diversity Equity Inclusion and Belonging) and it is not about the amount of money to be made. Yes, I want to leave a financial legacy for my children. I have not gotten clear about what I mean by financial legacy. Do I want to work myself to death and have my kids enjoy the fruits of my labor? No! That doesn't sound right.
What do I want and what do I want it to look like? How much time am I willing to contribute to what I want and how much time will I save for the periods of darkness?
I think I am just getting used to believing I have something important to contribute. That people will pay me for what I have to contribute. That I can amass a solid financial legacy beyond my wildest dreams. That I can work with I feel like working and take to my bed when I don't feel like working.
Is it possible I've got the life that I have always dreamed of and I'm too damned trauma conditioned to appreciate it? I ask myself, what is missing that I really need right now? The real answer is, that I have everything I need. When I think about something that I would like and I don't currently have, it's because I'm not sure I want it. Say, for instance, love. I do not feel I am in a very good place for the kind of love I want in my life. Mainly, because it seems like a lot of work to me. I don't want to work that hard, remember. Maybe in my next life. In this life, my focus is doing something I love and getting paid for it.
Maybe that is the secret about trauma, is it holds on trying to convince you that you are nothing without it. You are lost and forever dreaming of something else, so you never get to be content or happy where you are. You never get to experience trust because trauma taught you "never trust". You never get to love deeply because trauma taught you, "true love doesn't exist". Trauma is a narcissistic SOB, and it is always there to remind you of your rocky start in life.
I am working on developing respect for my periods of darkness. Trauma is about rejecting the dark parts of myself and I am willing to accept the dark with the light. After all, my mission and I choose to accept it, is to be WHOLE.
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