tainted

Sierra

January 31

I remember shortly after my separation, my mom, in addition to feeling hurt and angered for me, started to feel embittered because she felt she didnt recognize the person i'd become.

prior to marriage, i was known as a smiley, selfless, people pleasing, generous, chipper type person. I was know for other things too, but i'm making a point lol. post, however, i was not only super sad, hopeless, unmotivated, but i'd also changed in other seemingly unrelated ways.

i no longer wanted to exert myself altruistically for people. i no longer wanted to give anything really. going into marriage, i had so much love, so much energy, so much life, effort, and soul to give and to invest. leaving marriage, i was spent. My perspective on the world was grey, i no longer saw the best in people, no longer trusted. no longer felt optimistic about relationships or friendships, or my place in the world at all.

for a while i no longer saw the value of existence itself.

to an onlooker such a change was no doubt drastic and to some jarring. as mentioned at the outset, my mom was so disconcerted and upset about the change she witnessed. even though i wish she couldve kept that to herself at the time, but thats not life. and probably not fair i guess.

in times like that, one might feel like no one can understand them. i was blessed to have so many friends and family who really sympathized with me and felt for me during my difficult time. but one of my closest dearest longest standing friends - Lisa, an amazingly artistic, musical, poetic goddess - made a painting while i was in the thick of what I was going through that i was recently reminded was inspired by my experience and touched me because while not having been through my experience, she knew what i was going through. she put herself in my shoes and saw what i was going through her eyes but also through mines.

The piece is called "tainted"

so as you can see, the picture depicts a lady in a beautiful field surrounded by daisies and scenic sunset, but a sudden action by someone ruined or tainted her view. now, while the beauty around her hasnt changed, her perspective has. she cant see the world without that black paint impairing her vision.

when she told me it was about my experience i could see it immediately. because as we discussed, trauma can truly change the way you see the world.

and really if we want to get granular, every experience we have affects the way we see the world. we are never the same we were before, even if before was five minutes ago. as time passes, every moment becomes a point of reference, and can fine tune, sharpen, saturate, or render more brilliant our perspective. but the opposite is possible too.

has any experience tainted or strongly changed your view of the world? tell me below.