Marvel #15

I've Been Dating For You

Jan 7

Today is a fitting date for this post... I wasn't sure I even wanted to keep writing this story, to be honest, I haven't been writing it or keeping a record of anything until recently – something inside me has said 'Update that timeline #IBD4U.' WTF is that little voice about?! So you haven't had an official update on Marvel since Feb 2023 which was basically catching up to about that time in real life.

Honestly, I think I haven't written this because I don't want you to hate me, I also don't want you to hate him. Though there are days where I hate him, like today when I messaged yesterday & asked "Are you going to ignore my availability?" when I'd given him a few times he could see me this week & next, he read it & then didn't reply…

We'd moved over to snapchat as he has a hidden account on there, which I end up changing his stupid nickname he made up to his actual full name – which helps somehow, no cute name. No nick name, just his full unabbreviated name… After the chat app went completely ad crazy every time you open it & he'd has issue which is why he didn't see me in January 2023, so he'd asked for my snapchat when he saw me next & we migrated over to that. I have actually barely been on the chat app since & honestly don't even look at it…

That night though waiting for his reply, seeing he read my direct question & ignored it almost 24 hours ago, I stupidly look at the chat app & see he's chatted nine days ago in a group I own. I know he enjoys chatting & that he still chats on the chat app, this is not news to me, but it kinda catches me off guard. I'm not upset about it, like I said he likes chatting... It makes me wonder though… Wonderment is not a good place to be for an overthinker! For some reason, I think about the anonymous app… I haven't had it for ages, perhaps even over a year?! Mainly because it stopped working for me, I deleted it & it wasn't in the play store so I just gave up on it. I work out how to add the anonymous app back on my new phone, as it's still not in the play store, I have to download it from a website… I open it up & who is the first fucking post on my 'nearby' tab only nine hours ago? Oh yeah, Marvel, "Anyone from Adelaide for a chat? Str8 guy here 38" Like fuck mate. Just fuck. Why do I do this to myself? This is why I hate stalking...

Of course I send a chat to him with this new account - last time I chatted to him on the anonymous (probably back in 2020ish!) app before it fucked up for me, I'm 99% sure he knew it was me that was always replying to his posts, we'd chat for a bit then he'd stop, post another post, I'd change my name & chat to him for a few days till he just stopped… He moved on quickly so he didn't get attached. It was nothing of note to be honest, jut me stupidly trying to get a snippet of his time & also trying to show him that the women out there that he is still trolling for are not all they're cracked up to be... (I may have needed some professional help at that point!! Hahaha)

But with a brand new account & the fact I've told him in real life that I don't have the anonymous app as it fucked up, he never confirms or denies that it works for him… So this time he doesn't know it's me, he won't suspect it… I'm not gonna play with him & get intimate details out of him, though I have those intrusive thoughts about doing that to him but if I wanted to know I would ask him directly, but to be perfectly honest… I really don't want to know anymore. Later the next night, still no reply to my direct question snapchat message, yet he actually messages my fake persona on the anonymous app… URGH! He only messages twice before he doesn't ever reply again…

Anyway, hahaha that's a long winded intro about the happenings, but as you all know, I have been turning my blog posts into E-books, of sorts. This meant, to do this, I had to download every fucking blog post – all 539 of them!! What a nightmare that was, it wasn't as easy as clicking download... I had to copy & paste from WordPress to a word document for every fucking post! I put them all in one giant document but copied & pasted the significant men posts into their own 'collection' document which will become an E-book. Well of course, Noodle has an E-book. I wasn't going to read it/edit it/skim it, I thought it would be too depressing, too hard, seeing the good, the bad, the ugly… But I started & I couldn't stop reading it.

134,505 words.

302 A4 pages.

Let's just say that it was an interesting read, it's also the first time that I have read that story since posting it, in its entirety. No filler posts. Just Noodle after Noodle post. I can see why I fell for him, I can see why I was so stubborn! FUCK was I stubborn! It's like a car crash that I can't look away from. It's not as depressing as I thought, but fuck it's not easy to read it, reading the real quotes of messages that we sent each other…

Of course, I make up other E-books (all yet to be published & edited) for Milky, Max, Origin, Elvis, Boyfriend, Crows, Dom Dom, Erotica, I leave them all unedited & instead I read Silverlining…

88,198 words.

198 A4 pages.

Another fucking car crash, like an epic car crash… It makes me wonder if I was medicated for my ADHD, would I have been so irrational those final days? Things may still be the same, I'm not going to pretend that it would have changed anything, I mean, the man married her ten days after fucking me on their couch, however, would I have been different… Would I have been strong when five months later he was presented to me again & I still chose to have one more hit, just like a junkie.

I make up further E-books for the men after Silverlining - Noddy, Motocross, Eastwood, Daizy, M8, T**y, the fiction Fleaz then I'm onto reading Marvel, while the story isn't finished obviously as I am currently writing #15, up to #14 is in the E-book.... I read...

15,997 words.

55 A4 pages.

It's not finished. It's not over… It goes on & on, it's like the song that doesn't end… So after reading a combined 555 pages which depicts our six year liaison over three separate affairs, I should be rocking back & forth in a corner, being medicated with the worlds strongest sedatives, but instead I feel empowered… I can see the relationship clearly now, finally after all this time. I can see the part I played & the emotional destruction for all the parties involved… Even six years later, I feel the raw emotion in my posts, I feel it with everything inside me, even if I am a stone.

I have to be honest here, because I don't doubt what we had, doubt is the wrong word, but there is something that makes me start filling out the timeline for 2023 & randomly asking Shark, "Do you genuinely think Noodle loved me?" I ask him as he saw us in the chat groups together & I still chat to him every now & then, I need to know if it was all in my head? Did I make up this love story? Re-reading all the other stories I am turning into into E-books, I fucking made most of them into something bigger than they were… Fuck Motocross, M8 & Noddy! (Though I don't think I'm 100% to blame there, those three men were smooth talkers & sucked me in! Plus they were keen as a bean till they weren't!) Shark says he can't answer that because he doesn't know. I rephrase the question like any good lawyer, "Do you think he was just playing me or was he genuine?" I know the real answer & I'm pretty sure I know the answer that Shark will give me… "I'm sorry #IBD4U I think he was just using you to stroke his own ego… If he was madly in love with you he would have grown some fucking balls and either left his wife or broke it off with you and cut ties so you could heal and move on… either way I think he's a selfish egotistical cunt cos he's done nothing to help you." Sigh.

I asked for that answer… Maybe Noodle didn't love me, maybe he made stupid choices, maybe I am an absolute idiot, but have you ever had to see something through, even though you know it's not right? I haven't been sent, by the universe, any other great love, any other decent man since Noodle/Silverlining/Marvel, I have dipshit after dipshit, even when I do let my guard down, I have given some of these men no reason for them to think I am not into them…

I recently went to see Papa Roach in Adelaide – it was the best fucking concert I have ever been too without a doubt… I wasn't drunk, I wasn't on drugs, I had two drinks & had an amazing time. I got pulled into the circle mosh, (basically a mosh pit where everyone is just running in circles.) sang at the top of my lungs & danced like there was no tomorrow… I won't lie, the whole time I was there, I was on the look out for Marvel with his wife in tow. I never saw either of them, but that didn't stop me from making sure that I looked cute as fuck in a pair of tight jeans, a white DKNY jumper, hair extensions & a pair or white sneakers… White jumpers & long blonde hair is not something you wear to a rock emo concert, but I do, I like to stand out… Also just in case she saw me. What a wasted effort on a woman I didn't even see! Hahaha.

Despite this, I have obviously heard the song many times before that night on their new album, but what's that saying about a cord hitting home?! Struck a chord? Or hit home? Whatever it is…. This song did it that night. It is actually about suicide prevention & Jacoby even does a spiel about the song before they start – I saw him on Tik Tok, he gives a similar spiel at every concert including Adelaide, he's very passionate about mental health. So while the song has an amazing, powerful message, (that I urge anyone to seek medical help if you need it for your mental or physical health.) about suicide prevention, it's about something completely different for me. I listen, really listen for the first time at the concert, singing along to all the words & maybe because he's been on my mind all evening, but I think about Noodle. Yes Noodle. Not Marvel. Not Silverlining. Noodle... I will always leave the light on for Noodle to come back to me.

Papa Roach – I'll leave a light on

Dry bones rattle in a lonely soul

Slipped and fell into a deep black hole

I can tell you're lost, I'm here for you

Wildfires burning you down to stone

Blind eyes, turning from a world so cold

A million miles apart, within my reach

It's not like me to worry

But when I see you fading in the dark

I'll leave a light on for you

Through the long nights, I will be right

There for you if you drift too far

I'll leave a light on for you, you, you

Rain comes following an endless drought

To wash away the remnants of all your doubt

I hope that you'll see me looking out

It's not like me to worry

But when I see you fading in the dark

I'll leave a light on for you

Through the long nights, I will be right

There for you if you drift too far

I'll leave a light on for you

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

Through the long nights, I will be right

There for you if you drift too far

I'll leave a light on for you, you, you

I don't expect you to understand. I don't expect any positive comments on this blog whatsoever… Maybe that why people don't comment on my posts as much as they used too… Maybe that's why I haven't done an update on this story - on the sex, on the conversations in text & in person… But despite Marvel's fucking risky little games of reading messages & not writing back or even having any form of a proper conversation with me- he doesn't know the intrusive thoughts I have about going to her work or being an absolute nutcase... Despite this... Despite what Shark thinks... Despite what you think...

I love him.

So for Noodle... My light outside is always on... He can always reach me...

I will be there for him, if he drifts too far...

#IBD4U