Fasting Series: Fasting as a couple

lionunlimited

Jan 9

Q: Husband and wife do not agree to fast together because of their different denominational background and the resulting belief systems on the subject of fasting. Is this a problem?

A: Only if we let it be a problem.

Yes, quite truly there are denominations and their various beliefs on fasting. Some think fasting is from sunrise to sunset, which means it doesn't necessarily have to be 6 AM to 6 PM, whereas others hold very rigidly to 6 AM to 6 PM as the standard template for fasting. Some others accept that one can fast by skipping a meal or meals; it could be breakfast, lunch or supper, while others insist that fasting must start in the morning. And then there are some denominations who believe that Christians posts Pentecost do not even need to fast at all because Jesus fasted for us and declared, "it is finished" whereas there are those who think differently.

Well, this is one of the benefits of marrying people with similar viewpoint of life and faith as ourselves. This is easier to attain if we marry people from the same church or similar congregation and denominational background. Of course, one can argue that same church or even the same congregation does not mean we have the same orientations and values, and that will be absolutely correct. The solution to having a couple harmonised in value systems, orientations, and views on various issues is communication … talking lots and lots of talking. It is in the process of sharing our thoughts with each other that we find where the variations are and we find seek clarification or find common ground that allows us to operate together as entity under God.

With that in mind, the solution here is not to try to force one person to adopt the viewpoint of the other as regards fasting or any other issue at all. What to do is to continue to share what we think or believe with our spouses to the point where we can actually see things from approximately the same viewpoint or that we can adopt a new corporate viewpoint that allows us to function together more smoothly as a couple.

What I would recommend is that couples who disagree on the subject of fasting and how it should be done, for example, should not wait for a fast to be declared in their church and then start to argue back and forth as to how the family should operate within that period. Rather, they should start ahead of the scheduled fast to study together on the subject, seek counsel from people they trust and respect, sit down and think together, and search the scriptures together. This brings them together to a shared understanding, and based on that understanding, they can move forward on the subject of fasting. It is the same way they should attend to any other issue that they have varying opinions on.

As I said before, even if they have two different opinions and viewpoints regarding fasting, should this be a problem? My answer is absolutely not. It does not need to be an issue. If a man has a certain belief system about fasting, he does not have to impose or compel his wife (or her husband as the case may be) to adopt his own ideology for his own fast to be valid. What I mean is, if my wife thinks a born-again Christian does not need to fast, whereas I think fasting is absolutely critical for us as children of God and then a time of corporate fasting is declared in our church, I don't have to compel my wife to join in the fast for my own fasting to be accepted before God. No. I need to continue to share with her what I think about fasting but leave her to decide whether she wants to fast or not, while I give my full attention to the fast as I should.

As the Bible says in first Corinthians 7, I should not enter into fasting in a way that will jeopardise the relationship I have with my spouse without first discussing with said spouse and reaching some form of understanding and consent as to what I intend to do and why. If I have been reasonable before now, before the fasting issue came up, most likely my spouse would understand and play along with me even if she does not fast along with me.

Now, if in her state of refusing to fast, she begins to create conditions that make it difficult for me to fast, maybe demanding something that I currently consider a distraction to my fast, it means the issue is far deeper than the subject of fasting in itself. And that tells me that I need to work on my marriage. I may need to suspend the fast in order to be able to sort things out with the spouse.

Matthew 5:23-24 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

I think it should not be as an excuse to not fast but, seeing that the good that I intend is going to create an evil consequence in my marriage, wisdom would require that I put a pause on it. I'm quite sure That God sees my sincere heart and sees my situation and will make room for me to be able to fast as I intend … perhaps at a later date … perhaps on a different schedule.

Fasting is important for us as Christians, at least that is my understanding from the scriptures. But as important as it is, nobody is going to go to heaven just because the fasted and no one is going to go to hell because they do not fast. So it is not as critical as we might make it out to be. If you hold off fasting on account of the trouble it is causing in your marriage in order to listen or discuss with your spouse, you might come to understand what the real issue is, which may not even have anything to do with fasting at all, and you may have a chance to attend to it. You might then be able to return to your fasting exercise.

If a change of view is not available at the moment, you may need to consider a compromise. Maybe it would be more acceptable to your spouse if you broke your fast into 3 days stretches and took a few days as break, rather than a 21 day stretch. Maybe fast for 3 days and take a break for another 3 days or whatever works. The aim is to be able to find a common ground with your spouse.

1Corinthians 7:32 - 34 But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: but he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please [his] wife. There is difference [also] between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please [her] husband.

If you read the above scripture hastily, it would appear that a married person's entire focus is consumed by the needs of their spouse with no room for the Lord. Of course, other scriptures put things in balance but this verse shows how serious the conflict between kingdom concerns and marriage can be.

I believe that if your heart is set on fasting (in the true sense), then even those days that are sort of breaks, your heart would still yearn for the Lord and he knows how to reach out to you in his grace. See, we don't get the blessings and miracles from God, because we do everything exactly correct as it should be by God's standards. We are already off base, it is Christ and the grace of Christ that makes us stand perfect. So I do not think fretting over whether I did the fasting according to the exact protocol is going to do me any good. You remember from Daniel's story? His answer was issued right from the day he set his heart to seek the Lord. So it wasn't the duration of the fast that got him heaven's attention. Immediately your heart is in the right place. God will show you system by system, option by option, how you can navigate this spiritual exercise without jeopardising your marriage and your relationship with your spouse. Because, believe me, God wants you to have a happy marriage. And when you do fast, one of the things that you can spend your time praying for is that the Holy Spirit will visit your spouse and show the truth about fasting. You will be pleasantly surprised how that spouse of yours might turn around and become the champion of fasting in your home.

There is an example that might be very troublesome for most of us today, especially from the point of view of being so dogmatic about things that are themselves, not dogma. Fasting is important, but as I said, it is not dogma for a Christian. It is matter of understanding and relationship. As I said, our salvation is not dependent or affected in any way by how much we fast or don't fast. Anyway the example is the Syrian General who was healed of leprosy and thus realised that there was truly a God in Israel that deserved his worship. But then, he knew that his King did not share this new found faith in Jehovah with him. So he asked Elijah, please entreat your God for me so that when my Lord, the king goes to worship my former god, and I have to do my duty as his general to accompany him for his security, that the Lord God of Israel would take pity on me, understanding that my duty the king's right hand man is what will make me bow, and not a matter of devotion. What did Elisha say? He said, go, it is well with you. (2 Kings 5: 17-19).

See the Bible says in Hebrews 4 that we do not have a high priest who is not touched by or who is not aware of the difficulties that our human lives present us, but one who feels what we feel how we feel them because he himself walked many miles in our shoes as a human being and was tempted in every manner as we care tempted. So, we can talk to God and he will show us what to do with compassion. Remember,

James 1:5 But if any man among you is without wisdom, let him make his request to God, who gives freely to all without an unkind word, and it will be given to him.

I know the concern is about agreement. "Whatever two of you shall agree upon shall be done." Yes, I get it. But the fact is that if you do not share the same understanding, it does not negate your fast and does not prevent your prayers from being answered if you work with wisdom. Do the two of you have to agree on fasting for what you are requesting to be done? You need to remember that fasting is not to get God to do anything but it is for us to be able to hear and see what God wants to say and do so that we can align with him. What if one of the two can catch what God is saying then communicates it to the spouse for the two of them to work together with? I don't think that is unreasonable. I think it is better build a harmonious marriage rather than trying to force the other person to join you in a fast. Remember, obedience has to come with willingness for it to yield the result that God desires.

Again, if we look at it, must every married person fast the same time as their spouse in order for them to properly fast? No. Can the husband or wife not go on a personal fast at other times of the year? Of course, they can. The fact that there is a fasting season in our churches nowadays does not change the fact that though it is a corporate exercise, it is still a personal devotion. So, it can be treated as a personal fast, and you can negotiate with your spouse as to how you are going to execute the fast in a way that it does not disrupt your life with him or her personally.

Would the issue of husband and wife not agreeing on fasting even be a consideration if one of them was not born again? Of course not.

1Corinthians 7:12-13 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.

If you received Christ and your spouse did not, you are not required to compel them to be Christians in order for your own salvation to be authenticated. No. You would leave them to their beliefs and choices and face God while including them in your prayers. So why should it be a problem if your Christian spouse does not share the same opinion as you do on fasting? Part of the tension is because we are starting to treat these fasting seasons in our churches as one sort of master key that we cannot afford to miss. Many push themselves to complete this fast and forget about fasting or any other spiritual exercise for the rest of the year. We are developing an "dues paid" orientation that's robbing us of much of what God would love us to be and have. Anyway, I think if you bring up this discussion before the tension of the fasting season even starts, your wife or husband would see that you consider them even when you are thinking about the things of God. They will realise how much you respect them and their viewpoints or opinions regarding spiritual things even they do not yet appreciate or understand your own, and it might actually be the key to winning them over to a better understanding. First Corinthians 7 says if you need to go on a fast, set your house in order so that the devil will not tempt you and the good that we seek to do will not be evil spoken of.

Daniel Oyanna is a conference speaker on relationships, health, faith and other subjects and a Pastor and teacher blessed by God with a grace to make things easy to understand. He is the author of the book To Date or Not to Date, Instructions in Submission, Crushing the Crushers, several mini-books most of which are free. He started UnLimited to help people reach their God-given goals by walking with them to their finish line. He is reachable at pd_lionunlimited@yahoo.com