Hi Captain,
I'm hoping you can help me find a way to navigate a non-optional relationship with my mother-in-law of close to 15 years because I'm at my wit's end and things keep escalating.
The backstory is this: I (they/them) was the first child-in-law. When I first started dating her oldest (they/them), there was an initial flurry of excitement. She was effusive and enthusiastic, seemingly welcoming. I didn't have a great relationship with my own parents, so this was a welcome experience. I had high hopes that we would be close. After we got married, that "honeymoon" period lasted for a bit longer, but quickly started to fade as I realized she was intrusive and had high expectations of involvement with the family. She often turned to my spouse for emotional support that she couldn't get from her husband. Her marriage has never seemed to be an overly close or happy one, and she had really sunk her identity and sense of fulfillment into her kids but relied on my spouse more than the others for the companionship of a spouse. She also borrowed huge sums from us to pay off credit card debt a couple of times at a time when we could ill afford to lend money because we were just starting out.
I was trying to learn how to set boundaries with the help of my first therapist and processing an incredibly abusive childhood that I hadn't come to terms with. She became the practice ground for setting boundaries, but I often did so by being unavailable for what she requested or giving simple no's. I did have to work on de-triangulating my relationship with her and my spouse (I had to tell them they couldn't agree to have me do favors for her without her asking me for favors directly). She would do things like set up family pictures and just tell us when to show up, not checking on availability for work schedules or anything. She wanted us to spend the night on Christmas Eve so my spouse could "wake up on Christmas morning with their family the way they always have" and would drop birthday parties on us with short notice "It's sibling X's birthday tonight, we're having a family dinner." (NOTE: My spouse has many siblings and a large extended family). I learned that she could be manipulative and vindictive when I was overly obvious about setting boundaries. She arranged for my spouse to get flown to a family vacation while I was left to choose to go by buying my own ticket. I still have a framed photo of everyone except me because I wasn't willing to call out of work on short notice for the family picture. There were several other very hurtful things she did in the early years that soured my relationship with her, but the way I handled it was hard-core gray-rocking.
My spouse was often defensive of her even though they also recognized her behavior was a problem. Without their support, I tried to be as unavailable as possible for things I didn't want to do and then tried to be utterly invisible at family functions. Perhaps in the beginning that was the best I could do, but over time it became habit. Since I didn't do holidays at all with my own family, she basically got all major holidays.
Then in-law number 2 came along and I watched a similar process of enthusiastic acceptance followed by attempts at enmeshment and control and manipulation and eventually a souring of the relationship. Same thing with in-law number 3. Except with both of those, they still had good relationships with their own family's of origin which caused another angle of conflict as they would want to divide holidays between the two families. Eventually she would begin to gossip to me and spouse about how much she disliked 2 and 3 and would go on and on about what she thought were problems in their parenting methods or relationships with their families etc. My relationship with her for the most part became less rocky because I was suddenly the golden in-law, but I also had to navigate increasing bids for attention that would seem to follow conflict or displeasure with the others.
In the process of watching these relationships, I had to confront my own perpetual attempt at invisibility and the fact that it wasn't working. I didn't have real relationships with my sibling-in-laws or with my M-I-L because of this strategy, and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life and my marriage this way. So I upped my attempt to be authentic. I started to lean into planning things with her that were things I was interested in, not just on avoiding the things I didn't like. And for a while, it seemed to work. I felt like we were developing a begrudging friendship, and I was elated that I had seemed to find a way to have a peaceable relationship with her where others had failed. It didn't mean her antics necessarily stopped though. I had to navigate the feelings of her manipulating another family vacation without the in-laws during that time, except this time, I wasn't the only one left out. I still had to navigate a minefield of "what's the hidden agenda in this seemingly benign conversation" and extricate myself from expectations and requests that felt unreasonable. I also had to navigate her utter lack of privacy on family trips when we'd stay together and she would WALK INTO OUR ROOM WITHOUT KNOCKING. But I felt more positive and more connected to her and that seemed important.
Then this year spouse and I had a much needed long vacation very far away by ourselves. When we came back, I felt like I'd been transformed. I was feeling grounded in my body in a way that over a decade of therapy hadn't even achieved.The first time I saw M-I-L again, that immediately disappeared. I dissociated the whole time. It made me realize that maybe that period of time where I felt like I was building a relationship with her was not so successful after all. Maybe I had just been stuffing down my discomfort. Since that vacation, her own behavior has escalated as well. I directly confronted her for the first time after an egregious overstep in my home that I couldn't ignore and the retribution has been so subtle that, though I'm certain it's there, I can't even point it out to her or anyone else because there's so much plausible deniability that even I doubt myself at times. Nevertheless, it has felt in more ways than one that she is trying to steal my spouse's affections and loyalty.
That was bad before, but it got worse very suddenly. My spouse started their own business this year and recently disclosed they are thinking about hiring M-I-L as their secretary, presumably temporarily. This is a nightmare. It would involve her even more in my spouse's life and subsequently blur the boundaries I've clawed my way towards. Because of the start-up of the business, they are working long hours, and the idea of her spending potentially more time with them than I do and having an even more in-depth understanding of their day to day (which we can't talk about because of confidentiality laws they have to abide by) than even I do feels like the ultimate usurpation. They don't see or understand enough of what she does to see it as a problem. They think I'm being unreasonable and over-reactive even though in separate conversations they've admitted she's manipulative and inappropriate and even mean sometimes. I'm hoping beyond hope you have some good suggestions of how to navigate this situation because I'm all out of ideas aside from going utterly nuclear on her in a way that will make me look like the problem. Traditional advice on dealing with in-laws doesn't seem to cover this particular situation.
Sincerely,
Desperate Spouse and In-Law
Dear Desperate Spouse and In-Law,
I used to have this pair of snow boots that were perfect in every way. They got stellar reviews online, and multiple friends had similar ones and swore by them. They were waterproof, they had great traction and a springy supportive insole, they were my size, they felt great walking out of the store and seemed to need no breaking in. They were also absolutely freaking adorable, with this sassy little plaid that matched my brown jacket and favorite blue hat and worked equally well with pants or tights/leggings/skirts. People used to stop me and ask where I got them.
Only one problem: Sometimes when I wore them for a long time, the next day I would wake up in terrible pain.
But they were the perfect boots! Better than any other boots I'd ever owned, and besides, these had felt amazing at first, so even if I found some that might work better, how could I be sure that the same thing wouldn't happen again? They'd been a splurge and it's not like I could afford to replace them, so I'd just have to make it work. I tried everything: Shoe stretchers, different socks, special insoles, wearing them constantly around the house to break them in better, saving them for only the snowiest days and rotating them with different, lesser boots. I asked my physical therapist for foot and ankle stretches I could do before I put them on and before I went to bed and did them diligently. On long teaching days, I tried to bring street shoes to change into and save the boots just for the snow, but that was one more thing to carry around and keep track of when I bounced between multiple work sites. I lost so many shoes and then had to wear the boots all day anyway that it was honestly better when I forgot to pack them or eventually stopped trying.
Contrary to what you may have heard, winter does not last forever in Chicago, so eventually I would limp into spring, put the boots in the closet mumbling something about replacing them before next year, forget to do that, and restart the cycle on the next first snowfall. It didn't help that they always felt great until they didn't, and they still looked brand new so there were no visual reminders to chuck them out.
I wore those boots for THREE YEARS. Three years of boots that were perfect except for how sometimes I woke up crying and couldn't put my feet on the floor.
As metaphors go, this one could apply to multiple questions on this site and an embarrassing amount of my adult life. I'm intimately acquainted with sunk cost fallacy in the sense that I keep making out with it behind the bleachers and going to graduate school, or sacrificing all my favorite shoes to the Chicago Transit Authority Lost-and-Found because feeling like my feet have been hit with a sledgehammer and encased in cement is just normal life now. There is something deep inside of me that only comes alive when things are as effortful and unrewarding as possible. For fifty years it has grown sleek and plump on narratives about perseverance and hard work being the only way to attain anything worthwhile and how quitting = giving up = failure. Knowing that it's in there and that I should absolutely not let it drive the bus does not mean it will ever stop trying to take the wheel. I have to fight it every time. One of the ways I have learned to fight is to pay very close attention to times when I am unhappy and in pain correlate with messages about how I am too sensitive and probably overreacting.
And then I run a series of tests to evaluate the premise.
First, where is the message coming from? Do *I* fear I might be overreacting, or is someone else insisting that I am? In the case of the ill-fitting boots, it was all me. But when other people are involved, it's not always clear-cut. Because of how my brain is wired, the potential for outsized emotional reactions comes with the territory. So when I feel overwhelmed or unusually reactive or avoidant, before I do or say anything I can't take back, it pays to stop and check: Is this reasonable reaction given the circumstances, is it my brain being a jerk again, or is it some combination where one thing exacerbates the other? Once I stop and think it through, what's the worst thing that happens if I trust how bad I feel and act accordingly?
What was I reacting to? Setting my reaction and its relative scale and appropriateness aside completely for a second, in the plainest possible language, what happened? What did the person say or do? This step is very useful for cutting through euphemisms that attempt to minimize bad behavior. Was it a one-off or part of a pattern of similar events? What were the consequences for me?
If the "you are overreacting (again)" message is coming from someone else, then what do they think would be a more appropriate reaction? How did other people react or not react to the same events? Do I trust this person's feedback, perspective, or sense of proportion? Is there *any* reaction on my part that they would find acceptable?
One last failsafe: What are the consequences of potentially overreacting vs. not reacting at all?What's the worst that happens if I do nothing else about this problem? Specifically what happens to me if I do nothing? If I apologize and promise to stop reacting so much, does the problem go away on its own? Everything is all fixed now?
If you were to run your history with your spouse and their mom through these tests, I think what you would find is this:
It doesn't matter what you do, it's always the wrong thing. Try or don't. Work very hard at setting boundaries, or don't. Show up to family pictures or don't. Grey rock or engage proactively. Decide now that every holiday, birthday, vacation, and other supposedly fun life event revolves around her and comes pre-ruined for you, or decide that you'll start skipping stuff again even if that means staying home alone when your spouse inevitably goes without you.This lady doesn't care if you are included or not as long as her child shows up and participates on her terms. Said child always shows up, so why should she change anything? Whenever her whim conflicts with your comfort, convenience, or happiness, your spouse chooses her and criticizes you. That problem was not caused by you not trying hard enough, and it won't be fixed that way either. If you can find some minimal level of engagement that is sustainable for you and does not create a lot of friction for you, do that. But if it doesn't work, it's not through lack of trying!
It's been fifteen years. You've tried all the things. When is it time to acknowledge that your spouse is not only fine with the status quo but is actively choosing the maximum level of engagement with this person? They want this level of involvement. Not only do they not see the problem as it pertains to your peace and happiness, when they need someone to wrangle communications, scheduling, finances, and sensitive information for a fledgling business, who do they hire? The nosiest person they know who hates doors and loves shit-talking people behind their backs, who is notoriously loose with money, and who does not so much "schedule" as cast a summoning spell the day of and come up with subtle ways to retaliate against anyone who is slow to be summoned. Cool, cool, cool. You're worried about the additional wear-and-tear on your relationship, but this is a bad idea for business reasons, too. What could possibly go wrong when she blabs confidential information to the wrong person, gate-keeps access and alienates clients and staff who take up "too much" of baby's attention, or tries out a little light embezzlement (as a treat)? I hear you never forget your first disbarment/HIPAA lawsuit.
Look, I never applied to be a roving curator-at-large for the International Shitshow Museum, Traveling Exhibitions Division, Subcategory: Family and Relationships, but as we are called, so must we serve. This is probably a bad idea. That said, your current ability to influence whether your spouse hires their mom is pretty much, "Whoa, that sounds like a terrible idea, but you're the boss! I hope you'll reconsider mixing work and family like this, but if you do it, I hope it goes way more like how you want it to than how I think it will."
My reasoning, please pick whatever makes the most sense to you:
-Doing this job I get a front row seat to a lot of other people's imminent mistakes, and one thing I clutch onto for dear life is this: I always want people to not suffer more than I want to be right. Always. If we're right about how this will probably go down, your spouse will suffer as a result. Ergo, we should probably hope your MIL is secretly a god-tier admin who is totally different at work.
-When your spouse's mom wants something that you think is a bad idea, how does it usually go? The last fifteen years seem to indicate that she gets her way whether or not you speak up, and the only variable is how much you get blamed for not sufficiently enjoying that. If this goes poorly, and you're all up inside it, it might be one more instance where it's safer and easier for your spouse to shoot the reasonable messenger than it is to confront her. Think "You never even gave it a chance!" "You never believed in me/her/us!" "Well I hope you're happy now!" and the like. If your spouse doesn't hire her and the person who does get hired makes a single mistake, get ready for that to be your fault, too.
-Just like the cure for control is never more compliance, the antidote for someone who is embroiled with a controlling person is never more control. You will never beat this lady on that playing field in a million years without becoming someone like her, which I do not recommend. Sometimes all you can do is remind the other person of their own competence and agency, because the controlling person will be doing the opposite.
You can certainly ask questions, like, "Hmmm, whose idea was that?" and "Is this a business decision or is this about helping out family, and are you sure you want to mix those things together?" and "Are you asking me to weigh in or telling me about a decision you've already made?" "Do you want to be talked out of this or into this? What makes you want to do this, and what are your fears?" "If it doesn't work, what's your plan then?" You don't have to ever pretend to be happy about it or lie, but at the end of the day, it's not your business/circus, not your monkeys/mother, and not your decision.
Which leaves you in the heart-rending decision of being almost certainly correct and relatively powerless to do anything about it at the same time, at least as far as the hiring goes. And as long as this remains a story about a manipulative mother-in-law and a helpless spouse who can't see how she is, it will be the story of your marriage, too. Your spouse has choices about how they treat you. They're the person who lent "huge sums" you could not afford. (And because I'm petty like that, how many of the all-expenses-paid-except-for-you family vacations did you foot the bill for without even realizing?) Your spouse watched as the therapy you needed to heal from your childhood got hijacked to deal with their family of origin and was there when all the other people who married into the family got treated the same way you did, and they still think the problem is you. Are they incapable of being in solidarity with you or simply unwilling? How many years until it stops mattering anymore?
You have choices, too, about where you search for acceptance, belonging, community, support, and vacations that don't suck. Probably that is not comforting to hear right now. However, may I suggest that you spend this coming year when your spouse is likely to be occupied to the hilt with the business investing your energy in growing your own choices in ways that don't depend on someone else's capacity or interest in learning to set boundaries with their mom? At the very least, plan more vacations like the one you actually enjoyed.
The story of the boots doesn't have a satisfying, feel-good ending. Eventually they hurt so bad that I would rather be cold and wet than force my feet into them even one more time so I threw them in the trash and told my spouse to physically restrain me if I even thought about fishing them back out. Then I got an unexpected bonus from a freelance client and used it to go to the nicest store I could find, try on all the boots, and buy multiple pairs, one of which ended up working out long-term. I donated the uncomfortable ones instead of making the mistake of assuming that there was an amount of work that could change them or my feet into something that could co-exist happily in the same place. I was the only person who could decide when enough was enough. If that sounds like a metaphor for something in your life, it probably is. ❤ and solidarity.
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