It feels like a long while since I turned to this space for comfort. Perhaps, too many new experiences have infiltrated my life in this half a year that has gone by, I feel the need to pen some down. They are too much for the heart to contain.
The greatest thing about this time capsule is the people living in it. I got to meet so many individuals each spectacular in their own ways. Although many parted ways, those memories formed from shared experiences would remain frozen in time. It is absurd how a plethora of surprises could be weaved from a single connection you make with a random person. We all have our own network of friends and family but sometimes, connecting with another person introduces us to a whole new chain, expanding our web. Continuously building on this newer part of the web requires luck and chemistry which makes things all the more special. Because as busy adults, how many of us truly set aside time to invest in new people that are not in our immediate circles? We have to like the new, foreign parts enough to work on them. That being said, having open hearts and minds make a big difference. If we are not open, how we see individuals and situations would be shadowed by our insecurities. No matter how good something is, we would shrink away such that we would never expose enough of ourselves to get hurt.
Spending a lot of time with someone new and important has taught me a lot about myself, especially my insecurities. Time and again, I find fear to be the root cause of behaviors I am not proud of. I am afraid to be perceived lowly by him, therefore I get so defensive. I refused to let the gap (based off external metrics) grow too big because I hope to be viewed as good enough by him. I set my own standards on what it means to truly value someone, getting upset when he does not hit them because to me, that would mean he does not care about me. They are all inner workings of my mind, mechanism independent of the other person. By choosing to view his dispositions and actions in this light, I see that I am putting a lot of pressure and strain into the relationship. It could stop him from being himself and acting from a place of good intentions because my distorted view could just pummel them down to something negative.
My instinct naturally prefers to be defensive and on edge. I guess I want to be ready to take flight or fight, in the event that I have to. I am afraid that things would not end up well. Even though we are not there yet, I find myself preparing for it like a mad man rationing canned food for war. I fear getting my feelings hurt. Therefore, I want to make sure we are in a good place by confirming that his feelings are true based off my distorted metrics. Simultaneously, there is this impulse to detach myself as much as possible for a bubble of indifference around me, protection.
The main point is, I know I have to let go of the fear that things might not end up well and I might wind up really hurt. I headed into things knowing this risk. It is a risk that I was not prepared and am still not prepared to take, but one that I have to take because the good that have come along with this decision is too good for me to give up. I want to build more memories with this person.
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