"There are going to be some changes around here" announced my 6 year old daughter, standing proudly in her blue Daisy Scout smock with several Boy Scout merit badge books tucked under arm. She was headed off to her very first experience in Girl Scouts but she clearly had some preconceived ideas about what it might be like. Her brothers were 10 and 11 years old than her and they already had quite a few Boy Scout merit badges sewn on their brown sashes that they wore to their meetings each week. My spunky young daughter was not here for monkey business. She wanted to learn real life skills, like how to pitch a tent and make a fire. Her suspicions that Daisy Scouts would be about making toothpick crafts motivated her to become an activist for change. I'll be honest -- I was incredibly proud of her.
In case you are wondering, my daughter did not last too long in Girl Scouts. This did not come as a surprise to me or her -- or even her scout leaders who asked her to leave. It's just human nature to be resistant to change - and especially if it comes blazing in a pint-sized blonde haired, confident, feisty spokesperson. What could she possibly know?
Turns out that kids instinctively know a lot. Sometimes they are keenly aware that change is in order even when we ourselves can't see it.
The image of my amazing little girl in her blue Daisy smock and those Boy Scout Merit Badge books is a touchstone for me. It also represents a pivot point for the direction of my blog in 2024 and it is all about change in action. I'll be sharing real life examples of how game-changing it is to update our brains, embrace new parenting models and modernize our life skills backpacks.
So let's dive in!
A few weeks ago, I was attending a swim meet for my grandddaughter. Four swim clubs coming together at the premier indoor community pool to compete for the season championship. You could feel the excitement in the air mingling with giggles, splashes and indecipherable loudspeaker announcements. Coaches were busy making last minute changes to their event line-ups when some of their swimmers were unable to attend for a variety of reasons. Anxious parents watched from the second floor gallery as their kids nodded in agreement with a coach or got into big discussions with other swimmers.
During one of the 200 yard medley events, a young teenaged girl dove into the pool, the last leg of her team's freestyle entry in the field. All the other teams had already finished this event when this teenager entered the water. She swam the first 25 yards but when she reached the end of the pool where she should have done a flip turn and continued on, she stopped and hung to the edge. An adult volunteer assigned to make certain that each lap was completed, leaned over to talk with the girl who was now shaking her head and visibly crying. Initially the volunteer urged her to finish but it was clear that this young teen had not only hit the pool wall, she had hit her emotional wall. She could not go on.
She was trembling all over as she gingerly climbed out of the pool. Her coach wrapped an arm around her shoulder and escorted her to a quiet spot on the poolside bench. Her coach stooped down in front of her, made eye contact and was talking with her. Her mother appeared and sat down beside her, wrapping her in a towel and a hug.
Meanwhile, up in the gallery, nosy spectators watched with deep interest and more judgment than curiosity. The comments that were made ranged from pity to criticism to shame. There were more strongly held opinions about how to handle such a situation than there banners hanging above the line lanes.
I could not hold my tongue - the opening to plant a seed of change was too prime to ignore. "This is exactly what should be happening in a moment like this," I stated loudly enough for those around me to hear. "According to Dr. Dan Siegel the power of showing up and being present with a child when big emotions are consuming them validates their experience, builds resiliency and prevents shame and insecurities from taking root."
In that moment, I felt just like my Daisy Scout daughter, speaking up when it mattered most. We don't know what we don't know.
We don't realize that our old parenting models were broken and they set us up for failure, for poor coping skills, limiting beliefs and a fixed mindset.
Shame and embarrassment do not motivate us to try harder, begin again and learn from our failures. Criticism erodes trust - trust in ourselves and our potential as well as trust in others that they will do all they can to help us overcome obstacles. Pity is the near enemy of compassion - and it puts a lot of distance between us and others (even in the face of a similar situation that we could easily find ourselves in). Pity just enables us to think we are so lucky because we are not having that experience.
But wait -- what if it was OUR child having that experience? Would those in the gallery who were so judgmental when it was happening to someone else, do a complete 180 if it was their own child?
Even if it was only briefly, I could see that some people were taking a minute to reflect on my comments. I knew that some parents were well aware that their own child had been asked to swim in a new event for this meet - and yes, they were anxious about the looming possible outcome.
None of us really know the full backstory for that young teenaged girl. Yet it was clearly evident that something much bigger than swimming another 25 yards was in play. Imagine for a moment that you were asked to swim 50 yards in a relay, to be the last leg of your team's event. And you knew the moment you dove into the pool that your team was going to finish dead last because every other team had already completed the event. How would you be feeling? Defeated before you started? Why bother? What's the point? Why me?
The more life experiences that we personally have, the greater our ability to tap into our empathy and compassion for others; the more likely we are to normalize moments like this for children and parents. Why would we ever deny another person the support they need the most in moments like this?
What if this young girl was really struggling with all the hormonal imbalances of puberty? What if her parents had recently divorced or the family was newly relocated to this town? What if this was her first swim meet? What if this was her first Christmas without her beloved grandma? What if her teammates had taunted her and said she shouldn't be in this event?
I left that swim meet that day thinking about that young girl, hopeful that her mom was skilled in offering her daughter the scaffolding she needed to fully process this experience and grow through it rather than unhealthily "going through it".
The power of showing up and listening to a child's full emotional experience is a game-changer. Validating their true feelings and helping them to name all the emotions they feel is how we become the training wheels for an expanded emotional vocabulary and healthy coping skills.
This is how we build resilience and inner confidence in our kids. They are more likely to try again and trust in their own potential. Kids are more open to trying new things that may seem hard and challenging. In fact, conquering their fears feels empowering to them.
Food for Thought: One of the best ways to help others in moments like this is to validate and normalize it for them. We've all had experiences like this even as adults. When we know that we are not alone in what seems like the worst moment of our lives, it is incredibly comforting. Refrain from offering how you would feel in that moment -- and let the other person fully express their own emotions. Surprisingly, many times what they are actually feeling is not at all what you might feel.
RECOMMENDED RESOURCES:
All of us come into contact with children - and being knowledgeable about vastly improved parenting models is like having an ace up your sleeve. Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers and coaches will all benefit from discovering brand new skills and tools for age old childhood emotional moments.
I highly recommended reading Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy and by all means, check out her wide array of workshops on her website: https://www.goodinside.com/about/
Dr. Becky is a mom first and foremost. She is a child psychologist by profession - and she is a shining example of putting her work into practice.
If you follow her on social media, you will be highly entertained by her sense of humor and oh so relatable parenting moments. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll commiserate and you find real support for real life.
MATT EICHELDINGER - check out this incredible teacher who has created the most heartfelt videos about his students over many years as an educator and caring human being. Life lessons from real life with kids that will stay with you and your kids.
https://matteicheldinger.com/ 
ATLAS OF THE HEART is a family reference guide that should be in every home. If you want to get serious about building your emotional vocabulary, this book is for you. Not only will you gain a working knowledge of 87 emotions and experiences, you will discover when those emotions are most likely to show up.
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