Coping with the Unavailable

Rosa Castro Psy.D

Dec 25

Sometimes, we find ourselves attracted to someone who is not ideal for us. We fantasize about the possibilities of a relationship. We notice the qualities we like and disregard all the red flags and signs that they are not into us. We feed ourselves romantic notions based on small encounters and gestures. We confuse friendliness for flirting, smiles for interest, and kind gestures for attraction. In our heads, because we feel attraction, it means something.

Even if the person finds us attractive, it does not mean that it is instant romance. Of course, we enter the realm of denial and minimize the facts in exchange for our romantic dreams. Regardless of how many excuses you make for someone unavailable, the bottom line is that you find yourself waiting.

Let's take a look at possible reasons you stick around other than love:

You are in love with their potential and overlook their current behavior.
You confuse flirting for romantic interest.
You believe that being in love with someone means you tolerate whatever you face.
You confuse familiar patterns with soul mate connection.
You have low self-esteem and think they are the only person good enough for you.
You invested time and hate the idea that someone else will benefit from your efforts.
You think if you are patient, you will be rewarded with love.
You believe everyone deserves a chance, and waiting for someone to overcome their obstacles is part of it.
You are invested in believing in the excuses because you hate to admit that the desire for romance is one-sided.
You buy into their lies about their relationship because you have seen how rude their partner is. Of course, you only know their side and not the reasons behind the behaviors.
You feel if they get therapy, they will heal enough to be in a permanent relationship. Of course, they avoid therapy at all costs.
Since they have been in a toxic relationship before knowing you, you decide to wait around until they heal.
You don't want to appear pushy, so you permit yourself to linger and wait until they feel ready.
You believe his family, culture, or religion does not accept you, yet you remain waiting, hoping something changes.
You hang around because they contact you every time you decide to walk away.
You believe they love you but need more time to get in touch with their feelings; meantime, you have known them for a few years now.

You need to do whatever it takes to break the habit of buying into someone's list of excuses for not being available or willing to commit to a full-time relationship. You need to learn to look at situations for what they are rather than how you wish them to be. Here is a reality checklist to help you sort through the web of romantic fantasies.

Stop being the entertainer- Everyone gets bored and sometimes seeks us out when they have nothing to do.
Respect your schedule – avoid rearranging your schedule at the last minute to make yourself available.
Stop being the instant companion – there is a natural tendency to seek company when alone or lonely. Don't be so quick to fill that void.
Stop granting wishes – People will seek the one who is ready and willing to meet their needs, even if they know they have nothing in common.
Avoid being a Sexual surrogate –. If you are not in the mood for sex, stop being so available to keep the person interested.
Stop people-pleasing–. Giving someone everything they want does not guarantee eternal love.
Setting boundaries – Learn to say no and respect your limits.
Stop being low-maintenance – Expecting proper treatment does not mean you are complicated. But by appearing low maintenance, you are sending the message that anything goes.
It's cool to be supportive – It is nice to be generous and supportive, but never weaponize your support to obligate anyone into being available when it's not their intention to do so.
It's okay to give attention - Most folks enjoy compliments and attention; remember, just because they enjoy the attention does not mean they want a relationship.

Keep in mind I am not saying to avoid romance, but I am saying. If you have been dealing with someone for a few months and they are stuck on the non-commitment cycle, do evaluate the situation. Of course, it is not realistic to expect someone to want commitment just because you feel you are a good match. In addition, romance may not be on their agenda if you have known each other for less than six months or if you are just friends.