I have to admit I was in agreement with the things I heard growing up because I had nothing to compare it to. What I heard and what I was told to me became my truth and I would fight to the death to protect my truth. My truth consisted of tips, tricks, and antidotes to keep me safe within the protective bubble that was my community. I never questioned the training or the advice because it came from people and places that were familiar to me. I would not dare question because that would mean I did not trust what was given and I did not trust who gave it to me.
We all want to belong to someone or someplace. We want to be able to point to a person or a place and say, "I'm from there?" It is a normal response to feelings of belonging. We follow without question. We inherently understand the love and care that went into the offering. Most times the offering is the only connection with the person doing the offering and therefore it is seen as a love offering.
What would it mean to reject their offering? Does it mean that we don't love or respect their word? Does it mean we don't trust that they have our best interest at heart? It cannot mean either because then we would question our connections. We are conditioned to follow blindly and with unwavering loyalty. Sometimes we can do that without mental injury and sometimes we have to say, "Nah bruh, I have to say no".
What am I getting at?
We have to question our conditioning when it is blatantly obvious that it is no longer valid.
Sure it might have worked for them and their circumstances. An example of an offering: Don't trust white people. I can see how that was true for my family when it was offered to me and I can also see how holding on to that offering, limits my current world.
Don't trust white people was about keeping the community safe. There was never an offering to develop a system where I would not have to go around scared and not trusting. What would have been helpful in addition to that statement would have been advice about what trust is and how to develop trust in myself so that I would not have to depend on outside sources/circumstances to have limited access to the trust.
Most times when I am facilitating a training about Trust, folks will say, "I don't/can't trust so in so." What I hear when they say that is no one ever told them that trust is an inside job. Trust is something you have to get clear about within you. What is trust to you and what does it look like? Then the statement changes from "I don't/can't trust so in so" to "I trust myself to set boundaries that are clear and consistent." When you spend the time understanding that trust begins with you, you will no longer be a slave to outside circumstances. You will have a clear understanding and clear values around trust.
Trust is a difficult topic to message. Trust is different for everyone and it is a difficult topic to get folks to take individual responsibility for. We are not ready for the conversation that puts the responsibility where it belongs. It is not someone else's job to get you to trust. You have to know what you will tolerate and what you won't and be clear about saying it out loud.
Trust begins with you. Trust yourself to know what you need to be able to connect with another human being.
When I think about trust, it is always about telling the truth.
The difference between TRUST and TRUTH is S and H. What other words begin with SH? Shit, Shame, Shine, Sheep, Shallow, Shepard, Shamble, Share, Shield, Short, Sham, Shock, Shark, Shaft.......etc etc.
What is real and true, is we accept the shit that people offer and convince ourselves it is their best, knowing it is not enough but we settle because we don't believe in ourselves. We have no patience for truth because we give lies so much space. Lies have become our truth and when that happens, trust goes out the window. It takes a lot of mental, and emotional work to figure out what we value and then live by those values, no matter what else is going on around us.
We create whole retreats for our work families to spend time talking about how to rebuild trust when the truth is trust was never part of the working relationship, to begin with. So what are you rebuilding? It is a lie that we believe and we engage in trust building as if TRUST will magically appear because we closed our eyes and fell backward into someone's arms.
When trust and truth are primary in your relationships, you know. There are no questions. When trust is not there, you also know why, and most times it has to do with your ego or pride or some other random reason: I don't trust redheads.
We are comfortable in our "no trust stance" which is why we are so quick to announce it. In the telling, we become the victim and we all love to play the victim. It makes us feel like we belong, with an endless supply of empathy and concern from other folks who are also comfortable not taking personal responsibility for their growth.
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