There are facets of my being that love to stretch out and take up space. It feels real and raw. It feels free---I can be me. For most of my life, the bliss of this hasn't lasted very long. Oftentimes, opportunities to stretch out to my full stature provoke internal conflict in the depth of my soul. It's as though I have two perspectives inside of me that don't see eye to eye and have different reactions when thinking about taking up space.
On the one hand, it's all too easy to remember every implicit and explicit variation of messages that have told me, Stay small, stay quiet, don't be too loud, don't be too much. Wounded and scared parts of me can carry these messages on like a refrain, trying to protect me from possibly feeling their sting again. It's almost as though, without my consent or knowledge, parts of me conspire and decide: If I can keep myself from taking up too much space, I can protect myself from others making me feel small or unwanted. So here's the plan---shrink back and play it safe.
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