By Pixie, 4 Sept 2023
...Today is Labor Day and I am sitting here trying to type with these new nails on and it is seriously impeding my growth as a human person I feel like because I have all these ideas I want to get out and they are slowing me down!!! I love them though, the design is simple, they're just glossy black with a moon and star on the accent nail but they represent something to me that I didn't think I would ever have again. Five years ago, hell even a year ago, I could not have pictured myself going into a place I had never been before to get my nails done by a stranger. Too many variables, too many unknowns, too much fear of judgement – not to mention that ever present fat girl fear of just not being able to fit into a space. I genuinely never thought getting my nails done again was going to be a thing I even wanted to attempt to face down and do. I was perfectly happy scouring the internet for deals on press-ons even though they don't last as long and I am very hard on them.
But I did it. I went to not one, not two, but three places before someone could get me in before four (another thing I have learned about me is that I would rather be home and cozy by 5 if I am totally honest). I did this little pampering thing for myself because I deserve good things. Do you know how long I have waited in my life to say I deserve good things? It's crazy to me that I spent so many years questioning my worth, questioning who I was, questioning what right I had to simply exist never mind the extras! I called myself a swamp demon, a gutter goblin… and I played it all for laughs, Like here, let me say this pretty demeaning thing about myself constantly (ad nauseum) and still expected my spirit to somehow grow? What kind of logic is that? We've all seen that meme about how when you talk nicely to plants they grow better, right? And the last line is something like "imagine what would happen if we did the same for people" – what a concept right? I think the post in general was probably talking about children and how we talk to them impacting how they talk to themselves and that impacting how they talk to others but I feel like this is an idea to explore.
See, I think our spirits – souls, vibes, frequencies, whatever you want to call the thing that makes us human beings, doesn't know the difference. I think our souls (or whatever) can't tell when we're "joking" and even if they could, the thing about jokes is that.. there is always a kernel of truth to them. When you say bad things about yourself… your soul, your inner child even, doesn't get that it's a "joke" because deep down it's not really a joke at all is it? Maybe I am just projecting, maybe for some people they can say nasty negative things about themselves but I have spent most of my life flaying myself alive for all the ways I needed to be more or different or better. I have tortured myself for literal decades and I think my little spirit was so beat up from it that she just rolled over and said "yup, that's me, worthless gutter goblin; actual swamp demon masquerading as a human person"… honestly picturing my little soul all battered like that hurts my heart. I do find it a little strange that I have to personify myself to feel the connection I so openly and willingly give to other people. I have to think of my spirit (soul, vibe, whatever) as a separate entity to feel comfortable giving it affection and attention. I don't know if that's a societal thing or a ME thing, but it's something!
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