On existing

Workers' Archive

Sep 7

by Christina, 6 Sept 2023

During the last couple of days I was hit with a wave of depression. It showed itself in the usual ways. Constant harsh self-criticism, toxic shame, thinking I don't deserve to breathe the air in front of me. Thinking I don't deserve anything. Thinking no one would care or even notice if I just vanished off the earth. Crying after waking up. Crying before falling asleep. Crying during the hours in-between.

But, and that was different than usual, I couldn't explain where it came from. I was doing so good lately, have been feeling so happy. During the last months/years I was slowly starting to do things that „normal" people do. Like getting a higher education, applying for jobs that weren't bottom end anymore. I started to like myself, to build a life I fell in love with, to look forward to the future. I started to stop overthinking every single conversation and interaction and now just naturally say and do what comes to my mind more. I even have small talk every once in a while. I started a couple of art projects (one of which I will announce soon) and dared to put myself out there more. Why was I feeling so down suddenly?

Then I realized it's the ‚putting myself out there' itself.

I always strived to be invisible.

No matter what I was doing, I was always thinking „how can I do this, so no one notices?" Even good things. Even art. Especially art.

Being seen, being perceived still feels unfamiliar, uncomfortable and sometimes dangerous. It triggers so many scary emotions which I've avoided for so long.

All my life I was constantly oscillating between gut-wrenching self-hate and thinking „I deserve more than this". And always, as soon as I made a step forward, in a wave of confidence, I immediately regretted it. The slightest bit of criticism sent me spiralling and hating myself. „I told you so, what were you thinking?". And even if there wasn't any criticism, I made sure to give it myself instead. I wanted to make sure to always point out all my flaws before anyone else could do it, so it wouldn't come as a surprise or hurt too much when it happened. Instead I hurt myself, twice.

There is this famous (and falsely attributed to Aristotle) quote: „The only way to avoid criticism is to do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." It's impossible to be or to do nothing, so you might as well just be yourself. But I legitimately tried saying, doing and being nothing to avoid criticism for a very long time. I literally went mute and wouldn't speak up (except „sorry". I said that one a lot), wouldn't dare to have needs, I tried to disappear so hard. I felt so bad, so ashamed for existing.

I know this episode of depression will end soon, maybe tomorrow, or even today. Fortunately, these self-loathing states don't last that long anymore for me, unlike before. But I know a part of me will always get a little scared when being made aware that I exist, that I have an impact. I'll probably never grow to like attention. It will take a while until I will finally be able to stop averting my eyes when someone looks at me. And I will always have sad days.

But I will always have good days, too. I hope you have a good one today