Life is about change right now. Uncomfortable... Overwhelming... Scary... Change...
I am the first to admit I don't relish change. Not that I won't or can't or don't do it, but I dislike all the things that come with it with an absolute passion. BUT... I know that when I have travelled with it and through it, life is always amazing on the other side. Bigger... Brighter... Better... More exciting... Just more somehow...
For me it begins with doubt, with anger, jealousy, bitterness, sadness and a grief like emotion right in the centre of my chest. It comes with incredibly low self esteem and a desire to be everything I am not. Or think I am not. It makes me feel disgusted with who I am and the choices I make. I spend my days telling myself I could be more, I am not enough, I am a bad person. I tell myself I am letting those I love down by wanting something more that may or may not include them. I selfishly step forward with no thought of the consequences and how my change affects them.
Does that make me a bad person? Isn't my life ultimately about me?
Ooh a sharp intake of breath there. From me. I have no idea about you. And actually what you think of me at this stage is none of my business, as your life and feelings and thoughts are yours, and mine are mine. There is no reason for them to cross over unless we both choose that to happen.
I have a purpose and I am absolutely clear about what it is and go ahead with following that with a clarity that is sometimes too painful to witness, and I do. Witness it that is. I stand back and observe myself and my life, my interaction with others and my own downtime and thought processing. I witness who and what I am, how I interact with others and the world around me and I lovingly accept all that I see. How? Because I don't attach to it.
Non attachment for many years, I called depression, and perhaps some of it was, but much of what I felt or didn't feel, or did and didn't do, was down to my own observation of life. It's a lonely place because it's not something you can share - no two pairs of eyes are going to see something in the same way now are they? It is lonely and very difficult to express or discuss because who can you do it with except yourself.
I talk to myself. I talk to the universe I can only hope is listening. I talk to a God I cannot see. I talk to my loved ones who have passed and I hope aren't too busy doing something else to listen. I talk to any thing that will stay still long enough for me to get out the words that are burning inside me. That is why I write.
I am not writing for you. I am not writing to you. I am writing because I have words inside that I need to get out of my own heart space or head or that little pocket of soreness in my shoulder or lower back... wherever I am holding onto something that is causing me to be 'uncomfortable', I have to allow it to be free. It doesn't need to make sense or even be heard, but it cannot be allowed to stay inside, it is destroying me. How?
It is stopping me moving forward. It is causing me to build walls with people and actions and emotions and life. I have to change. I have to grow. I have to follow what I know I have to do, and say and create and be. I cannot sit behind a wall and do all of that which I know I am capable of. I have to release or I will always be stuck here, and that cannot ever happen.
So it all begins again with a self loathing that I wake with every day and I cannot shake until it is time. And it's time. It comes hand in hand with fear - have you met them? You cannot see them but you can hear them, constantly chattering in your ear that you can't, shouldn't, they wouldn't, you aren't capable, everyone will shun you, acceptance of the new you will be non existent.... And on they go. I don't listen to them anymore, not when I have change to do. I have things to do and I am becoming, so I have no time to sit and listen to them. They can walk with me, but no input is required. Not today.
Change and Fear stand with me. Hope is in one pocket and Trust is in the other. I am blind to what will be. I stand. I wait. I take a breath. I step, one small step, into something I have no control over, that I cannot see or feel or hear, But, I know I have to reach out my hand into tomorrow and say, "hello, I am coming and you and I are going to be amazing. Are you ready for me?"
Life is about change right now. Uncomfortable... Overwhelming... Scary... Change... "HELLO..."
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