We usually look for reasons when relationships don't work out for us. We either blame the other person or blame ourselves. We obsessively try to determine what went wrong and why we failed to make it work.
When a relationship is not working as we like, we attempt to change the other person's mind by convincing them we are their soul mate and no one else. Our attempts to convince the other person we are good enough can become an obsession, creating an unhealthy and unhappy pursuit of the impossible.
We are so eager to commit that we already have plans for our future together, how we will live our lives, and even when we have children. And in some cases, some of us have our wedding outfits ready to go to the altar. So why are we failing?
How we fail
- We attempt to make others fit into our ideal person, even when they demonstrate they are not our fantasy. In short, we try to fit a foot into a glove.
- We do not listen because if we paid attention to the truth, we would have to face the fact the person is not suitable for us.
- We have OUR future mapped out without the input of the other person.
- We know what we WANT and are determined to get it, even if the other person might resist.
- We refuse to accept who our partners are and, as a result, attempt to modify them.
- We are in love with our partner's potential and disregard who they are in the present.
- We believe if we can activate our partner's potential, we will have a perfect relationship.
- We push with our agendas whenever we undermine who they indeed are.
- Because we are ready for commitment, we assume the other person should be willing to do the same.
- We confuse causal sexual interest with a relationship.
- When we do not accept our partners as they are, they often withdraw from us by lying, not sharing everything with us, and not giving us what we want.
- When the other person attempts to inform us that they do not want a relationship, we insist they just need time to get to know us better and hope to change their minds.
- We often blame the other person for the failing relationship, even though they never promised us a commitment.
- We get upset and take it personally whenever someone is not ready to commit.
- We do not believe our partners when they tell us they don't want a commitment.
- We assume that the more our partner gets to know us, the more inclined they are to fall in love with us.
- We date married people and believe their stories that their partners don't understand them. We buy into their blame game for infidelity so we can live with the guilt of having an affair.
- When the married person does not leave their spouse, we blame them for lying to us, when in fact, we choose to believe we were unique enough to break up a marriage.
- We assume that love automatically indicates compatibility, so we don't bother to work on the necessary maintenance.
- We believe that true love means our partner has to accept everything about us, even if it is challenging.
- We expect our partner to demonstrate their love precisely as we do.
- We blame all our relationship struggles on the other person because they don't live up to OUR expectations of the perfect relationship.
A healthy relationship does not have to be a painful ordeal and heart-breaking experience. The key to a healthy relationship lies in the honesty and communication exchanged in both directions. One person alone cannot make a relationship work. It takes two individuals willing to participate in mending a relationship, to make a relationship long-lasting and healthy.
Copyright©2023 Rosa Castro
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