Caretaking with Boundaries

Rosa Castro Psy.D

Sep 23

Some of us learned at a young age how to be the "responsible adult" in many circumstances, even though we may not have been of age. We learned to take care of others and make things right for everyone else. We often give so much we forget to eat right, get our personal goals done, or simply fail to rest. We give and give until we collapse. The idea of placing ourselves first has always been a strange and foreign concept, so we seldom do it, or when we do, we feel incredibly guilt-ridden. In short, we learned to take care of others to our detriment.

We take care of others for many reasons, and it always comes with a price. We do many of the following things.

We learned that we are the only ones capable.
We worry that things will not get done if we don't take care of things.
It's expected since we have been in the caretaker role since we were children.
We are afraid to make others upset or disappointed.
We learned to avoid conflict by taking care of things.
Our identity is enmeshed with the caretaking role.
We don't know how to say no.
We believe that without our help, our loved ones will get into trouble or suffer.
We feel good and significant when others need us.
We like how we feel once things are completed.
Others are dependent on us.
We believe we are the only ones who care enough or are most capable of doing the tasks.
We are the only person left in the life of the individual we care for.
We feel obligated because they did so much for us.
It's part of our job to care for others.

Whatever the reasons we have become caretakers, it really does not matter. Whether we care for others as part of our vocation or simply as a genuine humane gesture, helping others is what you do. The key to helping others is to learn when to scale back and rest. Just because others need or want our help does not mean we must neglect ourselves. We are no good to anyone if we lack the proper mindset or physical stamina to help. To actually be there for others, you need to be there for yourself. Focusing on yourself does not mean you are selfish, self-absorbed, or a narcissist.

You can be a caretaker and still have boundaries. Though it may not feel comfortable or natural for some who are so used to overextending themselves, it is healthier to have boundaries. Remember that boundaries are not just for other people but also for yourself. The idea that you feel inclined to take on the entire role of a caretaker puts you at all times in a very stressful position. For starters, learning to have boundaries is about doing the following:

Take time to rest and revive yourself.
Learning to say no without guilt.
Save some time for the thing you need to do for yourself.
Prioritize to avoid overdoing it or overcommitting to others.
You need to learn to stop people-pleasing because you fear disappointing others.
It's ok to have "me time."
Even if someone has been good to you, postponing helping them when your plate is full is okay.
Do not allow others to guilt you into doing things you dislike.
Stop assuming you are the only one who can help; let others help even if they are not as good as you.
Learn to ask for help and stop trying to be the only superhero.
Let others take the initiative without being the first to volunteer yourself.
Everything does not have to be fixed by you, even if you may be better than others.
It's okay to cancel if you are too tired or stressed to help others.
If you are sick, do not commit to doing things.

In summary, caretaking can be both rewarding and stressful. Your reasons for being there for others are yours to enjoy; however, you must take care of yourself as much as possible to be there without sacrificing your physical or mental health.