This year has been something else. First off, I have to say that overall, I am feeling better than I have in years. I had to deal with depression for the first time in my life a few years ago. Basically, I thought if I never broke my Husband's heart it would somehow keep him safe from that ever happening, but then tragedy found Him again and again and there was nothing I could do but watch. Then 2020. Then everything after. Hello. Some of it was bonding but most of it was just crazy tragic shit. No one needs anything like that to happen. Just want to set the scene. It's been crazy.
Summer is usually very challenging for me mentally… I do not like to be hot. Or sunburnt. Anyway, since Winter and Spring were restorative Summer hasn't even been getting on my nerves this year at all. Not the weather, anyhow.
Last month we went on (an overdo) trip up the eastern coast and it was wonderful. I didn't even want to talk about it because it was so nice. My first instinct was to document the entire thing but that was getting in the way of enjoying it. There is nothing like going somewhere you've never been. Anyway. Fun. That was the end of July.
Apparently, (yes, popcorn if you got it) that was too much fun AND WE HAD TO BE PUN-ISHED. We already had one car that came to us broken. It was supposed to replace his old car. When we finally were able to get one into the shop the tires on his old car gave the fuck out. They gave up the ghost. Their actual give-a-damn was busted... Jo Dee Messina. Aright, so for a minute we were down to one car. No problem, right? Because that's enough, right? Heaven help me and please don't stop.
Because we aren't idiots, we knew that trouble might come down on our good car, Our Beloved, Jacob. Specifically, we thought the battery. Now we are at the alternator. I have faith that it will be taken care of soon. It's alright. Since getting new tires for his old car (now named- "Super Fun Exciting Amazing Best Car That Ever Freaking Was"... "Adams-Davis") we can get around and it is a blessing. Car trouble completely wigs me out. My Father and Grandfather know cars. I do not know cars. It hits me right in the insecurities. I want desperately to be the one to fix the problem. On top of that, I know how (some*) mechanics are. Fortunately, finding a decent mechanic in this area isn't as difficult as it would be somewhere like Southeast Alabama. Of course, there I could get it done for free, but alright, let's keep moving. My Father struggled with keeping his vehicles moving. It isn't cheap to have a vehicle or put gas in it to say nothing of insurance. My normal reaction to unexpected (actual) stress is to throw myself fully and directly at it, but car trouble knocks me off balance.
He has been wonderful throughout us having to share a vehicle. No having the option to get in my car anytime I want is hard. You don't really appreciate that freedom until it's gone. (I love you Jacob, Your Daddies Love You.) We're alright. It's been a long time since I've been so sweet on Him. Love is crazy. It has made the whole situation not as terrible. It's not always easy for me to focus energy where it needs to be focused. I have never regretted putting my everything into loving. You get hurt, people will try and humiliate you for being a romantic -fuck them- you have one life. Love saved my life and continues to be my salvation.
Did I tell you I have a birthday this month? I just started looking forward to my birthdays again last Winter, thank you thank you thank you whatever is up there out there in there, Thank You.
Smells like
Sunshine and Honey
Lemon and Pine
Warm Rain in the Afternoon
Moonlit Nights on Water
Lemonade on a Hot Day
And a Storm to Clean it All Up
Hopefully, wherever you are things are good for you.
Looking forward to my late 30's. I mean 20's. Wait, what was I saying? It's late here. Not that my youthful, perfect body is capable of feeling fatigue.
I'm tired and hungry. I've been tired and hungry for a long time. Things are looking up. It's felt better this year.
Professional Success is the next order of business. I have been getting on stage whenever I can.
It's gonna be alright,
We're gonna be alright.
Get some rest.
We love you.
Next order of business is to start getting up early enough to get the good morning air.
I know you may not all see this, but I love you anyhow and you are always welcome here. I know I have lots of reading to catch up on here. Wanted to give you something real and not just a quick bite. I'm trying to get it all done. We've been getting to the gym consistently and I'm feeling like I did the first time I lost weight. This time I am impatient, though, which is rough. I'll never just let myself go again. I owe it my family and myself to feel as good as I can and for me that means working out. I know it helps anxiety and mood. Get You Some. It's good for you.
Things are looking up. It's been so long since I felt hopeful. I know things are crazy but you are here and there are so many wonderful things that can happen here. In this place. Right damn now.
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