Dear Lola,
My daughter and I have been battling over her hair for years. She has never been a fan of brushing it and will only wash it sparingly. As a result, her hair is constantly a tangled, greasy mess and smells like sweat. Things have finally exploded and I told her that she is old enough to maintain her hair and if she will not do it, then we will have to cut it. I gave her a month to sort it out and then we would go to a salon.
My daughter decided to call my bluff and did not wash it for the entire month.
I made an appointment to the salon, took my daughter down there, and she told the stylist she needed it cut up to her shoulder blades. My daughter's smug attitude should have alerted me that she had a plan in mind to win this battle. When the stylist asked why she was cutting 'such beautifully long hair' my daughter told her that I was making her do it as a punishment. The stylist instantly refused to cut her hair and told me I was no longer welcome to get my hair done there in the future.
Lola, I am livid.
This was in no way a punishment, but a preventative measure to ensure that my daughter has a reasonable length of hair to care for. I wasn't even the one who decided how much to cut off, leaving it up to my daughter to tell the stylist what she wanted. The stylist jumped to a conclusion and instantly labeled me a bad mother. I contacted the salon owner and explained what happened and she was contrite. She said she would talk with the stylist and I was of course welcome to come in to the salon to get my hair done in the future.
However, my original issue with my daughter still stands. Not only is her hair getting more greasy and smelly by the day, but she is now gloating about her win at the salon. School starts in just a few more days and I am mortified by what the teachers will think. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Hassled By Hair
Dear Hassled By Hair,
I must admit, I read your letter and had a good chuckle envisioning the antics every night when shower time rolls around. You ordering your Miniature Human to the bathroom, her going in and turning on the faucet - only to emerge with a stinky mane that looks worse than when she went in thanks to the humidity of the hot water. Short of holding her under the spray and squeezing an entire bottle of shampoo over her head, you are extremely short on options.
Somehow this rule doesn't apply to canines - I get lathered up every week against my will.
I am also aghast at your treatment at the hair salon. While there are some cases of punitive hair cutting, and stylists should NEVER traumatize a person with cutting their hair against their will, you did not indicate that your Miniature Human was in distress. I cannot fathom why the stylist was so instantly sure that your Miniature Human was in the right and you were in the wrong. Surely she could see that the hair was tangled, greasy, and smelled like it needed to be washed three times.
To make matters worse, the stylist banned you from the premises that are not hers to control!
I was relieved to find the salon owner was more understanding of the situation. Your Miniature Human is old enough to know how to care for her hair. Expecting her to do so is a key part of parenting. If you had simply allowed her to continue down this road of raggedness, imagine what that stylist would have said about your lack of parenting. The whispers, the judgement, the stares from people as they wonder why you haven't done anything to correct this problem.
As if you could just cut it yourself...
While I wanted to recommend that plan initially, I decided against it. Something tells me your Miniature Human would choose the worst moment to flinch, causing you to create chaos that will take months to grow out. Imagine the smug face she would sport every single time she told people that her mother cut her hair at home as a punishment.
There is nothing humans enjoy more than a shocking tale, even if it's a lie.
You asked what solutions are available and I'm going to recommend my absolute favorite one when dealing with stubborn Miniature Humans. It involves you sitting back and doing absolutely nothing. I know it seems crazy, but trust my process. You will simply allow this rebellion to reach its natural conclusion. While this technique goes against every instinct a parent possesses, I have found nothing works quite as well when dealing with a Miniature Human who has decided to test the boundaries of polite society. Luckily for us, this technique can only be deployed during a relatively harmless rebellion. Remember, no one died from dirty hair.
Though to be fair, the origin of the plague is still a bit of a mystery.
School is looming closer each day. Your Miniature Human will either wash her hair or she won't. I am guessing she will choose to wash it the night before school begins. If I am wrong, then the plan will naturally move on to phase two - which requires you to gird your loins and prepare for whispers. Peer pressure. Your Miniature Human has reached an age where her peers will inform her what showers are for. They will not be shy about it. I imagine she will make it through exactly one lunch before someone asks her to either shower or sit somewhere else so that everyone can eat their lunch without their bellies turning over.
Sometimes you get lucky and society fights the battle for you.
Lola
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