There are times and places in life where it is not only expected that one dress to impress coupled with doing one's best to shine the brightest. A place that comes immediately to mind is a job interview because this is a place where a person should be dressed appropriately and endeavor to stand out from the competition. How this applies to the world of D/S is that some newer dominants are inclined to approach the lifestyle as though it is a vanilla bean job interview and they place a heavy burden on themselves to be impressive rather than just being themselves.
Perhaps part of the desire of these dominants to appear outstanding is the very human desire to make connections within the lifestyle. Perhaps not a love connection but just to stand out from the crowd so they might be noticed, thus opening the door to developing lifestyle acquaintances and friends. It can feel like the desire to be noticed is somewhat like a talented musician who puts on an over-the-top show to gain followers which unfortunately holds them back from being their authentic self because people just see their public persona.
Another thought is that there is so much written about what a "real" or "true" dominant is or is not with much of this just junk but someone learning does not have the experience and education able to figure out which is which. Some examples of this are that dominants must be: extroverts, successful in their career on the path to wealth with a side of fame, error-free, and of these wonderfully sounding but incorrect ideas. It can be very easy for someone new to all of this to be easily pushed onto a track where they feel they are dominant but must put unrealistic pressures on themselves to conform to these false expectations.
Another hurdle that can trip up less experienced dominants is self-acceptance. In the journey through life, one of the struggles is growing to understand how D/S links with the rest of what makes you who you are. Part of the challenge is reaching that point in life where one starts to put all the puzzle pieces together, deciphering and decoding themselves but the D/S tab was not an easy one to both accept and place. Even though we never stop growing, and sometimes our puzzle pieces are broken or misplaced, as we gain experience by exploring it is easier to solve the internal personality puzzle.
When it comes to a dominant's age and/or limited background in the lifestyle, it can be unfortunate to witness mature people, even leaders in the community, be dismissive of someone simply because they have not traveled around the sun as many times. Something that those who have leveled up in life a more need to keep in mind is that age is no guarantee of maturity. Everyone can look at their life and see those who are more capable, even young adults. It is an incredible experience interacting with new and/or younger dominants, as well as submissives because they are coming to things with a fresh perspective not tainted by the lens of things that are just always done this way. D/S is always evolving, growing, and changing. Youthful and less experienced people should be applauded while being embraced for bringing new ideas to the community. Everyone we meet knows things we do not, so experienced lifestyler veterans should look to learn from those who are new rather than looking only to share their wisdom.
While this is not a complete explanation of why people try to be an impressive dominant but in many cases this is just part of the process of finding footing when the lifestyle is new. Learning to just be oneself can be a challenge for less experienced d-types because they are not only facing an internal pressure to figure out who they are but when it is coupled with encounters with some of the stuck-in-their-ways veterans who have forgotten they too were once new and less experienced offers unique challenges. So if you are new to all of this, remember you will not be everyone's cup of coffee but for the right people, you will find them, you will be their cup of tea, coffee, or whatever is your beverage of choice. Focus on being who you are, accept yourself, and enjoy the ride as you blossom in life and the lifestyle.
What advice do you have to help a less experienced person find their own way in the lifestyle?
As with all of my writings, please see this disclaimer.
©TLK2023
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