Someone recently asked me, "How do I even know if I believe in God? What about God is worthy of believing?" Little did I know that the journey I would take the next few weeks would entail loss, and grief, and confusion. Little did I know that amidst that loss and grief and confusion I would see glimpses of God and God's Kingdom. Little did I know that I would need those glimpses, not for the person who asked me, but for myself.
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I could see the images on the screen clearly, I could see the absence of a fetus, and I saw the lack of a heartbeat when she tried to find it. But she said nothing, I imagine trying to mask the disappointment, the upsetting reality, and the bad news that she had to wait for the doctor to share. Almost robotically, she said, "Okay, you are all done. Go ahead and get dressed. Your doctor will probably give you a call and tell you what to do." I knew it wasn't good news, but I also needed her to say it. I walked to my car and as soon as I sat down, the tears came.
I had lost the baby.
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