Hazel learned that her husband had a sex addiction when he confessed to having cheated on her - many times - over the 15 years of their marriage.
Below is our interview with Hazel …
I would like the chance to share from my experience in case there are other women who are going through what I went through – because this is such an isolating experience. It is something which isn't openly talked about.
I think one of the hardest things for me has been the loss of trust. You know, that ability to just relax and feel safe in my relationship.
Before I learned about my husband's addiction, I didn't feel scared or threatened when we were with other women. Yes, they might have been younger or prettier than me … or they might have been more interesting, or more highly qualified than me, but that didn't every really bother me. And the reason for my quiet confidence was I felt my husband was committed to me, and that he only had eyes for me.
However, that changed when I learned about the addiction: how extensive it was, and how long it had been going on for.
After that discovery, any woman I encountered felt like a threat - because he'd hooked up with so many women, and so many different types of women. There were women from different cultures and backgrounds. Women from different socioeconomic groups. Women who were different colours and ages. Women who had different body types.
The only thing they seemed to share in common was that they weren't me! They were new and enticing. They were somebody new.
So, perhaps you can see why I couldn't relax, and was constantly triggered by other women.
How did this play out in our everyday life?
Here's one example: If a woman from his work wanted to socialize with us – even if it seemed quite innocuous and friendly, I didn't want us to go; I didn't want us to meet up.
Why? Because I knew he would be seeing this woman at the office, and I didn't want to risk them becoming good friends (as opposed to them having a purely 'work relationship').
Also, if we were at the beach, or we were at the pool, and there were attractive, scantily-dressed women around, I would almost have a panic attack. Any fun I'd been having before we saw these women, would dissipate, and I's be seized with fear.
Why? Because I couldn't throw off the distressing thought that, silently, my husband was 'eyeing them up', even although there was no evidence of this.
So, living like this has been absolute torture because I couldn't just relax and feel safe any more. I felt as if I didn't know this man that I had married, and I also, now, knew what he was capable of.
Yes, I knew he was contrite; and, yes, he'd said that he had changed; and, yes, he said he truly hated that person he'd once been.
But how can you know? How can you ever really know?
So, what I would say to you today if this is something you are going through, as well?
First, I would tell you that your feelings and reactions are all normal, and it's absolutely awful to have to live this way.
So, you owe yourself compassion for what you're going through.
But I would also say that it eventually gets better – although I still get triggered from time to time.
And I hope, one day, you will feel less triggered, too. That you'll waken up and realize that, somehow, you have changed and, somehow, you've moved on from where you are today.
Hang in there. I'm rooting for you!
"When infidelity wrecks a marriage, the hardest thing you will do is make the decision to stay together and work it out."
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